full mark essay example

Annotating a Full-mark Sunset Boulevard Essay with a 50 Study Scorer

Written for those who favour examples over general how-to instructions, this blog will dissect a full-mark sample essay on Sunset Boulevard—a “show don’t tell” way of helping you get started with writing your first practice essay. Featured in this blog are detailed annotations breaking down each part of the essay, advice on how to set you apart, as well as the exact elements that will impress assessors.

The prompt:

‘Sunset Boulevard’ reveals the dark side of celebrity and fame. Discuss.

As soon as you see/receive the topic, brainstorm synonyms of the key words to avoid repetition. During the drafting process, make sure you extensively unpack the essay topic. Every word has been chosen to provide an opportunity for analysis, so ensure that you understand its implications and nuances. The ability to properly understand essay topics will separate you from weaker students.

If you are looking for more Sunset Boulevard analysis, check out our Ultimate Guide to Sunset Boulevard here - featuring theme-by-theme analysis as well as a detailed breakdown of the opening sequence.

Based on the key words, I have constructed the following arguments. With the prompt asking us to investigate the “dark side” of celebrity, it is easy to fall into the trap of agreeing with it completely. Across all VCE subjects, “discuss” as a command term has a universal definition :

Present a clear, considered and balanced argument or prose that identifies issues and shows the strengths and weaknesses of, or points for and against, one or more arguments, concepts, factors, hypotheses, narratives and/or opinions .

Therefore, it is important to examine both sides, which is why the third argument addresses optimism rather than Hollywood’s corrupt nature.

1. Personifying this complex world as a dystopian nightmare, Wilder satirically contextualises the hidden horrors of Hollywood.

2. By the catastrophic climax of Wilder’s horrifying creation, it is overwhelmingly transparent that the dark side of fame will ultimately eclipse its idealistic counterpart, as this hope cannot survive unadulterated in the poisonous atmosphere of Hollywood.

3. Challenging his fervent condemnation of Hollywood’s evil, Wilder manufactures a hopeful alternative that appears to exist untarnished by celebrity 

Features of a top-scoring essay:

Topic sentence/key ideas: As mentioned above, your essay should not be one-dimensional. Many assessors skim through all of your topic sentences before reading the body paragraphs to ensure that they make sense and address the prompt. If you’ve memorised an essay and simply regurgitated it, markers will be able to tell from reading these alone—you’ll be penalised quite heavily for this so be extra careful. 

Explicit and implicit responses to the prompt: Consistent references to the prompt show evidence of engagement with the task. However, it can sound quite repetitive if all mentions of the prompt are explicit (it just isn’t practical). Instead, you can address the prompt in more indirect ways. For instance, with the prompt requiring us to discuss “the dark side of celebrity and fame”, I have addressed the key word through phrases such as:

• hidden horrors of Hollywood
• inevitable tragedy
• burgeoning corruption
• perpetual chase of fame
• fame is too often synonymous with prostitution
• oppression that this pursuit of celebrity has manufactured
• trapped by the noxious allure of Hollywood
• deceptive façade of fame through his pioneering direction

Textual analysis and metalanguage: This is the core “substance” of your essay – it is what separates an A+ from an A, and when done well, it becomes the difference between a 45 and a 50. Our rule of thumb is, never end a sentence without considering how you can “analyse” the text. Essentially, the difference between “analysis” and “summary” lies in, firstly, the semantic focus of your sentence, and secondly, the use of language to convey it (in this case, “metalanguage”). In short, you need to know how to talk about what the author is doing and the language of the text. Examples of this are:

• gothic lens
• noir mystery
• blend of fiction and meta-cinema
• a classic trope of film noir
• amalgamation of fantasy and sobering realism
• eerie posthumous narration of this ‘poor dope’
• non-linear structure
• foreboding non-diegetic string music of Franz Waxman’s pertinent score

Analytical verbs: Lastly, top-scoring essays are specific. The best way to elevate your essay is through a vocabulary makeover. Given the importance of textual analysis, focusing on analytical verbs will most quickly transform your marks. Examples are:

• Personifying
• Immediately referencing
• literally emphasised
• ironically exposes
• thematically foreshadows
• Symbolising
• Functioning as a provocate
• controversially deplores

The introduction:

Exposing the powerlessness of naïve ‘dream[s]’ of fulfilment against the toxicity of celebrity which has ‘seized [their] heart[s]’, (1) Billy Wilder’s quintessentially American (2) film ‘Sunset Boulevard’ (1950) poignantly unveils the dark side of fame that is inextricable from Hollywood’s allure (3). Compounded by the skilful overlaying of a gothic lens, this noir mystery (4) performs as a deep meditation on the brutality of this business, and a sardonic, yet subtly sympathetic, depiction of the victims of its endless cycle of sadism (5). Through his intelligent blend of fiction and meta-cinema (6), Wilder’s iconoclastic opus emerges as a powerful vivisection of the dangerous illusions of stardom.

Annotations:

(1) Beginning the piece with an embedded quote adds a degree of complexity and immediately highlights to markers that you have an understanding of the text. It also improves the poetic and sophisticated nature of the text, almost as if it is a literature essay, thus separating your piece from other purely analytical responses.

(2) Recognising the context from the outset also showcases one’s understanding of the wider societal issues and themes.

(3) An immediate reference to the topic is necessary. If the topic isn’t explicitly or implicitly addressed throughout the response, it cannot receive a high mark.

(4) In just a few words, multiple elements of the genre have already been expressed, fortifying the analysis of the film as a whole.

(5) By establishing an equivocating and complex contention, you can prove to markers that you are thinking deeply about the film. Less advanced students will simply explore the ‘dark side of celebrity’, and ignore the opportunity to analyse the silver linings and romantic moments that still exist in the film.

(6) Even in the introduction, metalanguage is woven consistently

(7) The final sentence must return to the topic, but with sophistication.

General introduction tips

Even in the introduction, every word should be selectively chosen to improve and elevate analysis. Be sure to include the director, title and year of release, the context of the era, the genre and conventions (i.e. gothic and noir mystery), as well as the contention.

The importance of introductions cannot be understated. This is particularly significant for the end of year exam, as markers are extremely time-pressured . After reading a few sentences, they will have an idea of the type of student that you are – and the according score – so you want to impress them . Introductions serve as an opportunity to showcase your poetic and literary abilities, as well as your intelligence and sophistication

Body paragraphs:

Personifying this complex world as a dystopian nightmare, Wilder satirically contextualises the hidden horrors of Hollywood (1) . Immediately referencing a classic trope of film noir, (2) a disturbing amalgamation of fantasy and sobering realism is established through the eerie posthumous narration of this ‘poor dope’, with this non-linear structure exposing this inevitable tragedy from the outset. Heightening this strange sense of unease, (3) the foreboding non-diegetic string music of Franz Waxman’s pertinent score (4) warns the audience of this ensuing horror. Indeed, ‘Sunset Boulevard’ itself can no longer be hopefully associated with fame and luxury; rather, its disconcerting introduction in a gutter with ‘dead leaves’ and ‘scraps of paper’ alludes to its burgeoning corruption, as literally emphasised by the titular finiteness of ‘sunset’. Ominously towering over this decrepit street, the silhouetted palm trees embody personified judges (5) of the ‘distorted’ and ‘blown out’ stories that ‘Hollywood columnists’ weave, as fortified by the intense chiaroscuro lighting (6) . Similarly, (7) although swimming pools were an iconic image of glamour, the floating corpse ironically exposes that this perpetual chase of fame is a deadly enterprise. As a poignant reflection of this danger, the toxic relationship between Joe Gillis – our cynical antihero – and Norma Desmond – the stereotypical antagonist of a femme fatale – (8) is inherently doomed. This Gothic synthesis of old and new Hollywood thematically foreshadows their demise, as both are dangerously delusional: one is confined by their obsolescence, the other ensnared in the shallowness of the present. Symbolising the subordination that defines their affair, the loss of Joe’s car is a ‘matter of life and death’ that resolutely deforms him into an item of Norma’s possession, as fame is too often synonymous with prostitution. Subverting the traditional gender stereotypes of their time, Edith Head’s pertinent costumes of shared leopard print – a predominant motif of Norma’s wardrobe, which is also reminiscent of her silent-era glamour – illuminates the oppression that this pursuit of celebrity has manufactured. (9) In a house with no locks, Joe is already irreparably caught in the predatory grip of Norma’s atrophic talons, and thus, by extension, trapped by the noxious allure of Hollywood. Functioning as a provocateur to brazenly ‘bite the hand that feeds him’ (Mayer) (10) Wilder controversially deplores the deceptive façade of fame through his pioneering direction.

(1) Open with dependent clauses elevates the piece by shifting the pacing. Adverbs are a great opportunity to briefly note tone. Every topic sentence should reference the topic.

(2) Link back to the genre to reflect your wider understanding; most students can only analyse what they see, without considering how this fits into the genre as a whole

(3) It is sophisticated to examine how this makes the audience feel (i.e. unease).

(4) Music is often forgotten in analysis. Films provide opportunities for different types of analysis. Don’t forget the soundtrack/camera angles/acting/outfits.

(5) Develop unique interpretations of symbols. Most students would ignore or neglect the palm trees, simply viewing them as a background item. When you provide unique views and analyses, markers are always impressed.

(6) As mentioned before, having an inventory of metalanguage relating to lighting is greatly sophisticated.

(7) Using linking words like ‘similarly’ underlines to markers that your evidence has been specifically chosen to flow cohesively. Listing dissimilar evidence can weaken the sophistication of your writing

(8) Showing an understanding of character tropes is sophisticated.

(9) Referencing outfits and costume choices can elevate your writing above other pieces, especially when you recognise their purpose as motifs and their significance at the time, such as in relation to gender stereotypes.

(10) The inclusion of one or two external quotes throughout your piece shows a wider contextual understanding and advances your piece to an academic or literary text.

Challenging his fervent condemnation of Hollywood’s evil, Wilder manufactures a hopeful alternative that appears to exist untarnished by celebrity (1) . Joe and Betty’s relationship functions as a tender antithesis to the toxically phantasmal alliance of Joe and Norma: this mystery is also an ‘Untitled love story’, saving it from merely being a lurid horror (2) . Momentarily, Wilder permits Joe to escape his ‘peculiar prison’ of empty fame, returning to the corporeal world of Artie’s New Year’s gathering, an event imbued with a jollity that is crosscut against the solemn falseness of Norma’s decrepit mansion. From her entrance to the film, Betty Schafer embodies the forgotten passion for truth, ‘itching with ambition’ and presenting a virtuous alternative to Hollywood’s amorality. Illuminating her integrity, Schafer’s intelligence protects her from being deterred by the toxicity that is fundamental to this rapacious industry, as revealed when she is repeatedly misnamed by the sexist producer. Establishing a meta critique of the film industry, Wilder’s script sees this ‘sweet kid’ affirming that ‘pictures should say a little something’ rather than capitalising on being ‘glossy’ and slick’. Pertinently, whilst Norma is a victimised by-product of fame’s lethal illusion, Betty is an astute examiner who ‘know[s] all the plots’, acknowledging and embracing the deception at Hollywood’s core: she likes this ‘cardboard’ and ‘hollow’ town ‘better than any street in the world’. Further emphasising her innocence and purity, Betty’s practical attire of simple skirts and sweaters oppose Norma’s characteristic wardrobe of glamour to highlight the dichotomy between these women. Betty refuses to accept that amorality is inextricable from fame; rather, she empowers to write her own story, both literally and figuratively, reminding us that ‘life can be beautiful’. Hence, she is the perfect counterpart to Joe’s cynicism, embodying both his possible redemption as a man and Hollywood’s rehabilitation as an industry. Her ‘cubby hole’ of an office holds more promise and passion than the entire ‘white elephant’ of Norma’s mansion, highlighting the importance of truth. Their parallel storyline offers an escape for Joe, dislocating him from Norma’s persecution and empowering him to pursue his creative aspirations for motives nobler than shallow renown. Indeed, their witty dialogue – ‘Don’t you sometimes hate yourself?’ – and romantic chemistry symbolise this newfound sense of ambition, concurrently contrasting the sombre superficiality of Norma’s exchanges. Unveiling the wavering silver lining of celebrity, their classic Hollywood kiss offers a reprieve of romance. Emerging as perhaps the most admirable character of this satire, Betty’s genuineness empowers the audience to believe in an industry that prioritises creativity and love over dangerous materialism.

(1) The structure of your essay is ultimately your decision, but having a paragraph that grapples/disagrees with the topic sentence can add an interesting layer of analysis. It provides an opportunity to explore other paths, characters and ideas, and differentiates your work from other responses.

(2) As mentioned previously, it is important to recognise that the film is not one-dimensional: it can be multiple conflicting genres at once.

Notice how this paragraph is based on comparisons and contrasts (e.g. Artie’s party vs Norma’s mansion, and Betty vs Norma). This is far more effective in conveying understanding and nuance than simply analysing characters and settings individually. It is important to consider their wider role and implications within the film.

By the catastrophic climax of Wilder’s horrifying creation, it is overwhelmingly transparent that the dark side of fame will ultimately eclipse its idealistic counterpart, as this hope cannot survive unadulterated in the poisonous atmosphere of Hollywood. (1) Although Joe and Betty’s bond strives to pervert this amorality, even their romance eventually succumbs to the deception of this industry, for they cannot ‘get away with it’. Evidencing the moral dilapidation that is endemic to Hollywood, Betty’s chastity is defiled by the contagiousness of Joe’s shallow illusions; although she ignorantly maintains that she has ‘never heard any of this’, her newfound awareness of the toxicity of celebrity is palpable. As ominously revealed in the opening scenes, our protagonist’s flawed ‘long-term contract’ catalyses his spiritual and physical death, for the amoral motives of fame cannot be without consequence. Foreboded by the dramatic orchestral music, William Holden’s (2) purposeful characterisation of Joe’s premortem trance mirrors the enduring ignorance of Hollywood’s victims. Indeed, his final reach to his briefcase is analogous of the inherent desire of these hopefuls to continue to nourish fame’s deceptive image, even when that fatal bullet has been lodged deep in their unexpecting back. Rather than shattering Norma’s agonising delusions, this murder gruesomely precipitates her resolute descent into madness. Deprived of her moment of anagnorisis, as the role of Salome consumes her, Wilder’s use of mirrors as a motif conveys Norma’s dislocation of real and imaginary. Adorned with royal and theatrical music, Wilder’s staging of Norma’s slow-motion descent of her staircase in her bedazzled dress disturbingly typifies an embodiment of Hollywood’s ghastly underbelly erupting to the surface. With each step on her terminal pursuit of fame, this deranged ghost exits her corporeal sphere, her hyperreality finally becoming inescapable, as ‘there’s nothing else’. Surrounded by spectators yet entirely alone, as the camera closes in on her manic face – with her rigid claws and psychotic eyes blaming the culpable audience – she blurs into this phantasmal purgatory, destroying the alleged integrity of this business. As this ‘dream she had clung to so desperately’ finally ‘enfolded her’, Wilder’s writing expresses that celebrity, or the lack thereof, possesses the omnipotence to corrode a famed icon into an insane killer. Ultimately, ‘Sunset Boulevard’ serves as a dire caution to the horrors of Hollywood, as the ‘price’ of this stardom will always be ‘too high’. (3)

(1) Ensure that, even if your middle paragraph does provide an alternate view, the final paragraph expresses your overarching conclusion. Complexity and equivocation is important, but so is developing strong opinions.

(2) Referencing actors’ names proves that you have done extensive research.

(3) Referencing actors’ names proves that you have done extensive research.

General body paragraph tips:

The topic sentence should not only address the topic and reiterate your contention, but it should also be written in an interesting and sophisticated way to grasp the marker’s interest, and impress them.

Throughout the revision process, it can be helpful to draft and memorise polished and poetic topic sentences that can be used for different themes. Ensure that evidence is cohesive, and that each piece of analysis segues smoothly to avoid a clunky or list-like structure

Notice that neutral verbs like ‘show’ are avoided; rather, most verbs (e.g. subverting/critiquing) have connotations to reflect your analysis.

Every sentence should be driven by analysis too. There is no point in overwriting without purpose; it irritates markers, especially in the final exams

Teachers/markers can tell when you are overwriting and waffling. Avoid long quotes; rather, selectively choose your quotes and embed them effectively.

Don’t neglect the presence of other devices, such as camera angles, outfits and soundtrack. Remember that this is a film; you are not just analysing the words. Keep the genre and conventions in mind, and consider how these impact the presentation of the film. Complex adverb/verb combinations both enhance the sophistication of your writing and provide an opportunity to address the tone and purpose of the director/film.

Have unique interpretations! Students will all be taught the same things -- if you have the capacity to analyse the film yourself, and develop individual analyses, you can ensure that your work will stand out.

Top scoring essays will feature layered devices and analysis – this applies to all texts, and to an extent, argument analysis as well. However, in your own work, make sure that including multiple analyses doesn’t limit cohesion. Similarly with complex vocabulary, ensure that you are not simply searching up synonyms in a thesaurus: it is essential that you actually understand these words and the connotations. In the revision process, make a word bank of sophisticated words that are specific to the film, such as themes and genre

The best way to improve is to write and rewrite body paragraphs. Your essays will improve so much over the course of even a few weeks if you make the effort to constantly reread and edit them. This can be aided by reading it aloud or seeking a second opinion (we can help!). The final piece should be a showcase of your best work, and this can only be achieved if you have been consistent in drafting.

When the blinding lights are finally dimmed and the voyeuristic cameras have long since turned away, the illuminated stars of Hollywood are reduced to incorporeal shadows, hollowed by their loss of recognition, and emptied by unrealised dreams. (1) As ‘Sunset Boulevard’ staunchly conveys, Hollywood is fundamentally a heartless monster, cannibalising its followers to nourish its illusory image. Thus, Norma didn’t truly kill Joe, because Norma Desmond died twenty years ago: rather, he is simply another faceless victim of the crushing mechanisms of celebrity. However, in the consumerist world that Wilder so astutely criticised, there are already thousands of ambitious optimists desperate to fill his vacated place, forever empowering to ‘[kiss the] cold, dead lips’ of this convoluted and disastrous industry. (2)

(1) As with the introduction, the conclusion provides an opportunity to showcase your linguistic and literary abilities with a poetic and poignant finale

(2) Sometimes, the conclusion can elevate a piece from a 9 to a 10. Try and brainstorm final sentences/ideas that stay in the marker’s mind. You want to leave a strong and lasting impression of your talent and complexity.

General conclusion tips:

You’re likely to be quite tired at the end of the hour after focusing so much on “grinding out” ideas. However, if time allows, use this to your advantage. Most students will just reiterate their main points, but it is actually an opportunity to divert from more rigid essay structures and exhibit your English talents. Make sure your contention is still strong – but tweak it to show your understanding of the text’s views and values.

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Macbeth – A* / L9 Full Mark Example Essay

This is an A* / L9 full mark example essay on Macbeth completed by a 15-year-old student in timed conditions (50 mins writing, 10 mins planning).

It contained a few minor spelling and grammatical errors – but the quality of analysis overall was very high so this didn’t affect the grade. It is extremely good on form and structure, and perhaps could do with more language analysis of poetic and grammatical devices; as the quality of thought and interpretation is so high this again did not impede the overall mark. 

Thanks for reading! If you find this resource useful, you can take a look at our full online Macbeth course here . Use the code “SHAKESPEARE” to receive a 50% discount!

This course includes: 

• A full set of video lessons on each key element of the text: summary, themes, setting, characters, context, attitudes, analysis of key quotes, essay questions, essay examples
• Downloadable documents for each video lesson 
• A range of example B-A* / L7-L9 grade essays, both at GCSE (ages 14-16) and A-Level (age 16+) with teacher comments and mark scheme feedback
• A bonus Macbeth workbook designed to guide you through each scene of the play!

For more help with Macbeth and Tragedy, read our article here .

MACBETH EXAMPLE ESSAY:

Macbeth’s ambition for status and power grows throughout the play. Shakespeare uses Macbeth as an embodiment of greed and asks the audience to question their own actions through the use of his wrongful deeds.

In the extract, Macbeth is demonstrated to possess some ambition but with overriding morals, when writing to his wife about the prophecies, Lady Macbeth uses metaphors to describe his kind hearted nature: “yet I do fear thy nature, / It is too full o’th’milk of human kindness”. Here, Shakespeare presents Macbeth as a more gentle natured being who is loyal to his king and country. However, the very act of writing the letter demonstrates his inklings of desire, and ambition to take the throne. Perhaps, Shakespeare is aiming to ask the audience about their own thoughts, and whether they would be willing to commit heinous deeds for power and control. 

Furthermore, the extract presents Macbeth’s indecisive tone when thinking of the murder – he doesn’t want to kill Duncan but knows it’s the only way to the throne. Lady Macbeth says she might need to interfere in order to persuade him; his ambition isn’t strong enough yet: “That I may pour my spirits in  thine ear / And chastise with the valour of my tongue”. Here, Shakespeare portrays Lady Macbeth as a manipulative character, conveying she will seduce him in order to “sway “ his mind into killing Duncan. The very need for her persuasion insinuates Macbeth is still weighing up the consequences in his head, his ambition equal with his morality. It would be shocking for the audience to see a female character act in this authoritative way. Lady Macbeth not only holds control of her husband in a patriarchal society but the stage too, speaking in iambic pentameter to portray her status: “To catch the nearest way. Thou wouldst be great”. It is interesting that Shakespeare uses Lady Macbeth in this way; she has more ambition for power than her husband at this part of play. 

As the play progresses, in Act 3, Macbeth’s ambition has grown and now kills with ease. He sends three murders to kill Banquo and his son, Fleance, as the witches predicted that he may have heirs to the throne which could end his reign. Macbeth is suspicious in this act, hiding his true intentions from his dearest companion and his wife: “I wish your horses swift and sure on foot” and “and make our faces vizards to our hearts”. There, we see, as an audience, Macbeth’s longing to remain King much stronger than his initial attitudes towards the throne He was toying with the idea of killing for the throne and now he is killing those that could interfere with his rule without a second thought. It is interesting that Shakespeare presents him this way, as though he is ignoring his morals or that they have been “numbed” by his ambition. Similarly to his wife in the first act, Macbeth also speaks in pentameter to illustrate his increase in power and dominance. 

In Act 4, his ambition and dependence on power has grown even more. When speaking with the witches about the three apparitions, he uses imperatives to portray his newly adopted controlling nature: “I conjure you” and “answer me”. Here, the use of his aggressive demanding demonstrates his reliance on the throne and his need for security. By the Witches showing him the apparitions and predicting his future, he gains a sense of superiority, believing he is safe and protected from everything. Shakespeare also lengthens Macbeth’s speech in front of the Witches in comparison to Act 1 to show his power and ambition has given him confidence, confidence to speak up to the “filthy nags” and expresses his desires. Although it would be easy to infer Macbeth’s greed and ambition has grown from his power-hungry nature, a more compassionate reading of Macbeth demonstrates the pressure he feels as a Jacobean man and soldier. Perhaps he feels he has to constantly strive for more to impress those around him or instead he may want to be king to feel more worthy and possibly less insecure. 

It would be unusual to see a Jacobean citizen approaching an “embodiment” of the supernatural as forming alliance with them was forbidden and frowned upon. Perhaps Shakespeare uses Macbeth to defy these stereotypical views to show that there is a supernatural, a more dark side in us all and it is up to our own decisions whereas we act on these impulses to do what is morally incorrect. 

If you’re studying Macbeth, you can click here to buy our full online course. Use the code “SHAKESPEARE” to receive a 50% discount!

You will gain access to  over 8 hours  of  engaging video content , plus  downloadable PDF guides  for  Macbeth  that cover the following topics:

• Character analysis
• Plot summaries
• Deeper themes

There are also tiered levels of analysis that allow you to study up to  GCSE ,  A Level  and  University level .

You’ll find plenty of  top level example essays  that will help you to  write your own perfect ones!

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Mr Salles Teaches English

An Inspector Calls 100% Essay

I received 40/40 on my inspector calls gcse question thanks to you- securing myself 9, 9 in english lit and language. Would you like my script to use?

But honestly I can’t thank you enough. I’ve encouraged friends in year 11 to watch your videos so they can improve too🙏🙏

Thanks Noah - here is the essay!

Let’s call this an average of 7 words per line. Noah writes about 27 lines per page for the last 5 pages, and 13 lines on page 1.

That gives a total of (7x27x5) + (7x13) = 1036 words.

This is typical of full mark essays, and grade 9 essays. Points make prizes, simple as that.

If you aren’t practising writing fast, you aren’t practising getting grade 9.

Thank you for reading Mr Salles Teaches English. This post is public so feel free to share it. You probably know someone else who wants top grades.

This was written for the Edexcel paper.

Mark scheme:.

There is an assured personal response,

showing a high level of engagement with the text and

discerning choice of references to the text.

A critical style is developed with maturity,

perceptive understanding and interpretation with

The understanding of relevant contexts is excellent.

Understanding of the relationship between text and context is integrated convincingly into the response.

High performance-in the context of the Level of Demand of the question,

Learners spell and punctuate with consistent accuracy, and

consistently use vocabulary and sentence structures to achieve effective control of meaning.

The items in bold italic are different to AQA - but overall, both exam boards want the same thing from a grade 9 essay: it needs to be well argued and perceptive.

Mr Salles Teaches English is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts which help you get top grades, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

What Scores the Marks?

Your Thesis Statement should make it easy to work out what the topic of the question is.

Noah has gone into the exam knowing in advance that he wants to write a thesis statement which explains two aspects of context - one, that this is a socialist play, and two, that the tragedy is Aristotelian.

This means that he is not really integrating his context into his argument - it kind of stands on its own here. It is only at the end of the thesis statement that he uses the key words of the question ‘the younger generation’.

This means his thesis statement ignores the second bullet point of AO3.

So, my advice is, do plan your thesis statement in advance. But, in the exam, make it relevant to the question as quickly as possible by introducing the key words from the question in your first line.

Priestley portrays the younger generation of 1912 to promote his socialist message to their children in 1945. His play follows the Aristotelian conventions of tragedy in order to illustrate the terrible consequences of not following socialist principles in society between 1912 and 1945.

This is a very weak quote to back up the idea that Eric is a socialist. His words about the Birlings seeking higher profits justifying the workers’ need for higher wages would have been much better here.

" Why shouldn't they try for higher wages? We try for the highest possible prices ."

But, the examiner has a kind of checklist of Priestley’s ideas:

Eric is sympathetic to the working classes

He challenges his father’s capitalist ideas

Edwardian society was patriarchal, so Eric also attacks the sexist control of women

Noah writes about all of these, so it’s tick, tick, tick from the examiner.

Paid subscribers get a fully marked grade 9 answer every week. And they get access to the 50+ already published.

Substack lets you access all these for free in a 7 day trial!

Noah has introduced an alternative interpretation of Eric’s behaviour here, which is always going to give you higher grades.

He leaps to this a little too quickly, as we don’t see exactly what social responsibility Eric is denying - his alcoholism, his stealing from his father, his probable rape of Eva - but Noah is beginning to make the case that perhaps Eric has not learned the Inspector’s lesson or, if he has, that it will not have enough power for Eric to make use of it.

This is a sophisticated argument. Although the younger generation might hold socialist beliefs, they will never be able to live up to them because of the privileged lifestyle they’ve led, and the wealth they continue to enjoy.

There are no extra marks for using the words ‘proletariat’, ‘bourgeois’ (adjective) and ‘bourgeoisie’ (noun). Noah actually confuses the last two. So, I tend not to use these words - working class and upper class are good enough for me.

Notice how Noah writes about society and Priestley’s views - this is what earns the marks.

You should know by now that writing about the characters as ‘constructs’ is the way to show the examiners you understand the writer’s ideas.

Noah uses this as a springboard to analyse Priestley’s ideas about social responsibility.

Writing about one character as the ‘foil’ of another also emphasises how the play is constructed in order to promote Priestley’s message (in simplistic terms younger generation good vs their foil, older generation bad).

The quote ‘ we are members of one body ’ would have helped Noah here. It is one I would slip into every essay.

This paragraph has gone a bit rogue. Noah doesn’t tell us what was ‘vile’. He doesn’t link Mrs Birling’s actions, in denying charity to Eva, to the consequence: Eva’s suicide and murder of her unborn child.

So, he loses a lot of Priestley’s message and anger.

However, he is able to link to Priestley’s ideas, so it scores marks.

You’ll notice that Noah keeps bringing context into his explanations of Priestley’s ideas. This is excellent.

(You never have to introduce context by saying ‘contextually’, in the same way that you wouldn’t introduce your analysis by saying ‘analytically’).

This is a weaker analysis of Mrs Birling’s language, but the examiner is happy because Noah is linking it to Priestley’s socialist ideas.

Noah makes this relevant to the question by always referring to the perspectives of the older and younger generations.

This is a bit confusion.

Noah makes the strong case that Mrs Birling is being wilfully blind to Eric’s actions and responsibility.

He suggests that Priestley uses this to criticise upper class society, as this is what Mrs Birling represents.

But he also asserts that this is a criticism of the patriarchal society and that Mrs Birling is a victim of it. This needs a lot more explanation to make sense.

Points 1 and 2 score well, but point 3 is left hanging.

As soon as you say that the Inspector is a proxy for Priestley’s views, you are treating the Inspector as a construct.

So, you get higher marks.

Linking Priestley’s portrayal of the younger generation to his desire for social responsibility is a strong link to the conclusion.

The socialist and Christian context of 1945 is also cleverly linked to the theme of social responsibility.

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• Example of a great essay | Explanations, tips & tricks

Example of a Great Essay | Explanations, Tips & Tricks

Published on February 9, 2015 by Shane Bryson . Revised on July 23, 2023 by Shona McCombes.

This example guides you through the structure of an essay. It shows how to build an effective introduction , focused paragraphs , clear transitions between ideas, and a strong conclusion .

Each paragraph addresses a single central point, introduced by a topic sentence , and each point is directly related to the thesis statement .

As you read, hover over the highlighted parts to learn what they do and why they work.

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Table of contents

Other interesting articles, frequently asked questions about writing an essay, an appeal to the senses: the development of the braille system in nineteenth-century france.

The invention of Braille was a major turning point in the history of disability. The writing system of raised dots used by visually impaired people was developed by Louis Braille in nineteenth-century France. In a society that did not value disabled people in general, blindness was particularly stigmatized, and lack of access to reading and writing was a significant barrier to social participation. The idea of tactile reading was not entirely new, but existing methods based on sighted systems were difficult to learn and use. As the first writing system designed for blind people’s needs, Braille was a groundbreaking new accessibility tool. It not only provided practical benefits, but also helped change the cultural status of blindness. This essay begins by discussing the situation of blind people in nineteenth-century Europe. It then describes the invention of Braille and the gradual process of its acceptance within blind education. Subsequently, it explores the wide-ranging effects of this invention on blind people’s social and cultural lives.

Lack of access to reading and writing put blind people at a serious disadvantage in nineteenth-century society. Text was one of the primary methods through which people engaged with culture, communicated with others, and accessed information; without a well-developed reading system that did not rely on sight, blind people were excluded from social participation (Weygand, 2009). While disabled people in general suffered from discrimination, blindness was widely viewed as the worst disability, and it was commonly believed that blind people were incapable of pursuing a profession or improving themselves through culture (Weygand, 2009). This demonstrates the importance of reading and writing to social status at the time: without access to text, it was considered impossible to fully participate in society. Blind people were excluded from the sighted world, but also entirely dependent on sighted people for information and education.

In France, debates about how to deal with disability led to the adoption of different strategies over time. While people with temporary difficulties were able to access public welfare, the most common response to people with long-term disabilities, such as hearing or vision loss, was to group them together in institutions (Tombs, 1996). At first, a joint institute for the blind and deaf was created, and although the partnership was motivated more by financial considerations than by the well-being of the residents, the institute aimed to help people develop skills valuable to society (Weygand, 2009). Eventually blind institutions were separated from deaf institutions, and the focus shifted towards education of the blind, as was the case for the Royal Institute for Blind Youth, which Louis Braille attended (Jimenez et al, 2009). The growing acknowledgement of the uniqueness of different disabilities led to more targeted education strategies, fostering an environment in which the benefits of a specifically blind education could be more widely recognized.

Several different systems of tactile reading can be seen as forerunners to the method Louis Braille developed, but these systems were all developed based on the sighted system. The Royal Institute for Blind Youth in Paris taught the students to read embossed roman letters, a method created by the school’s founder, Valentin Hauy (Jimenez et al., 2009). Reading this way proved to be a rather arduous task, as the letters were difficult to distinguish by touch. The embossed letter method was based on the reading system of sighted people, with minimal adaptation for those with vision loss. As a result, this method did not gain significant success among blind students.

Louis Braille was bound to be influenced by his school’s founder, but the most influential pre-Braille tactile reading system was Charles Barbier’s night writing. A soldier in Napoleon’s army, Barbier developed a system in 1819 that used 12 dots with a five line musical staff (Kersten, 1997). His intention was to develop a system that would allow the military to communicate at night without the need for light (Herron, 2009). The code developed by Barbier was phonetic (Jimenez et al., 2009); in other words, the code was designed for sighted people and was based on the sounds of words, not on an actual alphabet. Barbier discovered that variants of raised dots within a square were the easiest method of reading by touch (Jimenez et al., 2009). This system proved effective for the transmission of short messages between military personnel, but the symbols were too large for the fingertip, greatly reducing the speed at which a message could be read (Herron, 2009). For this reason, it was unsuitable for daily use and was not widely adopted in the blind community.

Nevertheless, Barbier’s military dot system was more efficient than Hauy’s embossed letters, and it provided the framework within which Louis Braille developed his method. Barbier’s system, with its dashes and dots, could form over 4000 combinations (Jimenez et al., 2009). Compared to the 26 letters of the Latin alphabet, this was an absurdly high number. Braille kept the raised dot form, but developed a more manageable system that would reflect the sighted alphabet. He replaced Barbier’s dashes and dots with just six dots in a rectangular configuration (Jimenez et al., 2009). The result was that the blind population in France had a tactile reading system using dots (like Barbier’s) that was based on the structure of the sighted alphabet (like Hauy’s); crucially, this system was the first developed specifically for the purposes of the blind.

While the Braille system gained immediate popularity with the blind students at the Institute in Paris, it had to gain acceptance among the sighted before its adoption throughout France. This support was necessary because sighted teachers and leaders had ultimate control over the propagation of Braille resources. Many of the teachers at the Royal Institute for Blind Youth resisted learning Braille’s system because they found the tactile method of reading difficult to learn (Bullock & Galst, 2009). This resistance was symptomatic of the prevalent attitude that the blind population had to adapt to the sighted world rather than develop their own tools and methods. Over time, however, with the increasing impetus to make social contribution possible for all, teachers began to appreciate the usefulness of Braille’s system (Bullock & Galst, 2009), realizing that access to reading could help improve the productivity and integration of people with vision loss. It took approximately 30 years, but the French government eventually approved the Braille system, and it was established throughout the country (Bullock & Galst, 2009).

Although Blind people remained marginalized throughout the nineteenth century, the Braille system granted them growing opportunities for social participation. Most obviously, Braille allowed people with vision loss to read the same alphabet used by sighted people (Bullock & Galst, 2009), allowing them to participate in certain cultural experiences previously unavailable to them. Written works, such as books and poetry, had previously been inaccessible to the blind population without the aid of a reader, limiting their autonomy. As books began to be distributed in Braille, this barrier was reduced, enabling people with vision loss to access information autonomously. The closing of the gap between the abilities of blind and the sighted contributed to a gradual shift in blind people’s status, lessening the cultural perception of the blind as essentially different and facilitating greater social integration.

The Braille system also had important cultural effects beyond the sphere of written culture. Its invention later led to the development of a music notation system for the blind, although Louis Braille did not develop this system himself (Jimenez, et al., 2009). This development helped remove a cultural obstacle that had been introduced by the popularization of written musical notation in the early 1500s. While music had previously been an arena in which the blind could participate on equal footing, the transition from memory-based performance to notation-based performance meant that blind musicians were no longer able to compete with sighted musicians (Kersten, 1997). As a result, a tactile musical notation system became necessary for professional equality between blind and sighted musicians (Kersten, 1997).

Braille paved the way for dramatic cultural changes in the way blind people were treated and the opportunities available to them. Louis Braille’s innovation was to reimagine existing reading systems from a blind perspective, and the success of this invention required sighted teachers to adapt to their students’ reality instead of the other way around. In this sense, Braille helped drive broader social changes in the status of blindness. New accessibility tools provide practical advantages to those who need them, but they can also change the perspectives and attitudes of those who do not.

Bullock, J. D., & Galst, J. M. (2009). The Story of Louis Braille. Archives of Ophthalmology , 127(11), 1532. https://​doi.org/10.1001/​archophthalmol.2009.286.

Herron, M. (2009, May 6). Blind visionary. Retrieved from https://​eandt.theiet.org/​content/​articles/2009/05/​blind-visionary/.

Jiménez, J., Olea, J., Torres, J., Alonso, I., Harder, D., & Fischer, K. (2009). Biography of Louis Braille and Invention of the Braille Alphabet. Survey of Ophthalmology , 54(1), 142–149. https://​doi.org/10.1016/​j.survophthal.2008.10.006.

Kersten, F.G. (1997). The history and development of Braille music methodology. The Bulletin of Historical Research in Music Education , 18(2). Retrieved from https://​www.jstor.org/​stable/40214926.

Mellor, C.M. (2006). Louis Braille: A touch of genius . Boston: National Braille Press.

Tombs, R. (1996). France: 1814-1914 . London: Pearson Education Ltd.

Weygand, Z. (2009). The blind in French society from the Middle Ages to the century of Louis Braille . Stanford: Stanford University Press.

If you want to know more about AI tools , college essays , or fallacies make sure to check out some of our other articles with explanations and examples or go directly to our tools!

• Ad hominem fallacy
• Post hoc fallacy
• Appeal to authority fallacy
• False cause fallacy
• Sunk cost fallacy

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An essay is a focused piece of writing that explains, argues, describes, or narrates.

In high school, you may have to write many different types of essays to develop your writing skills.

Academic essays at college level are usually argumentative : you develop a clear thesis about your topic and make a case for your position using evidence, analysis and interpretation.

The structure of an essay is divided into an introduction that presents your topic and thesis statement , a body containing your in-depth analysis and arguments, and a conclusion wrapping up your ideas.

The structure of the body is flexible, but you should always spend some time thinking about how you can organize your essay to best serve your ideas.

Your essay introduction should include three main things, in this order:

• An opening hook to catch the reader’s attention.
• Relevant background information that the reader needs to know.
• A thesis statement that presents your main point or argument.

The length of each part depends on the length and complexity of your essay .

A thesis statement is a sentence that sums up the central point of your paper or essay . Everything else you write should relate to this key idea.

A topic sentence is a sentence that expresses the main point of a paragraph . Everything else in the paragraph should relate to the topic sentence.

At college level, you must properly cite your sources in all essays , research papers , and other academic texts (except exams and in-class exercises).

Add a citation whenever you quote , paraphrase , or summarize information or ideas from a source. You should also give full source details in a bibliography or reference list at the end of your text.

The exact format of your citations depends on which citation style you are instructed to use. The most common styles are APA , MLA , and Chicago .

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TOEFL Prep Online Guides and Tips

2 perfect-scoring toefl writing samples, analyzed.

The Writing section can be the most daunting section of the TOEFL. You’ll have 50 minutes to write two complete essays that must meet multiple requirements and show a strong grasp of English. Knowing what graders are looking for and reviewing TOEFL Writing samples can go a long way towards helping you get a high score on this section.

This guide will go over both of the TOEFL Writing tasks, explain how they’re graded, go over a high-scoring TOEFL Writing sample for each essay type, and end with TOEFL Writing examples for you to analyze.

The TOEFL Writing Section

The TOEFL Writing section is 50 minutes long (broken into two parts) and contains two tasks: Integrated Writing and Independent Writing. It’s the fourth and final section of the exam. You’ll type both essays on the computer. The next two sections will explain the format and requirements of each of the writing tasks as well as how they will be scored.

TOEFL Integrated Writing Task

The Integrated Writing task requires you to use listening, reading, and writing skills.  For this task, you’ll have three minutes to read a short passage, then you’ll listen to a short (approximately two-minute long) audio clip of a speaker discussing the same topic the written passage covers.

You’ll have 20 minutes to plan and write a response that references both of these sources in order to answer the question . You won’t discuss your own opinion. During the writing time, you’ll be able to look at the written passage again, but you won’t be able to re-hear the audio clip. You’ll be able to take notes while you listen to it though. The suggested response length for this task is 150-225 words.

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For this essay, you’ll be graded on the quality of your writing as well as how well your response represents the main points of the audio clip and written passage and how they relate to each other.  Each essay receives a score from 0-5. For both essay types, you can check out the complete rubric used for official grading. Below are key points from the Integrated Writing rubric. ( You can view complete rubric for both essays here .)

TOEFL Independent Writing Task

For the Independent Writing task, you’ll have receive a question on a particular topic or issue. You’ll have 30 minutes to plan and write a response to that topic that explains your opinion on it. You’ll need to give reasons that support your decision. It’s recommended that your response to this task be at least 300 words.

You’ll be graded on how well you develop your ideas, how well your essay is organized, and how accurately you use English to express your ideas.

Top-Scoring TOEFL Integrated Writing Sample

Below is an official TOEFL Integrated Writing sample question and as well as an essay response that received a score of 5.  It includes a written passage, the transcript of a conversation (which would be an audio recording on the actual TOEFL, and the essay prompt.  After the prompt is an example of a top-scoring essay. You can read the essay in full, then read our comments on what exactly about this essay gives it a top score.

Integrated Writing Example Prompt

You have three minutes to read the following passage and take notes. In many organizations, perhaps the best way to approach certain new projects is to assemble a group of people into a team. Having a team of people attack a project offers several advantages. First of all, a group of people has a wider range of knowledge, expertise, and skills than any single individual is likely to possess. Also, because of the numbers of people involved and the greater resources they possess, a group can work more quickly in response to the task assigned to it and can come up with highly creative solutions to problems and issues. Sometimes these creative solutions come about because a group is more likely to make risky decisions that an individual might not undertake. This is because the group spreads responsibility for a decision to all the members and thus no single individual can be held accountable if the decision turns out to be wrong.

Taking part in a group process can be very rewarding for members of the team. Team members who have a voice in making a decision will no doubt feel better about carrying out the work that is entailed by that decision than they might doing work that is imposed on them by others. Also, the individual team member has a much better chance to “shine,” to get his or her contributions and ideas not only recognized but recognized as highly significant, because a team’s overall results can be more far-reaching and have greater impact than what might have otherwise been possible for the person to accomplish or contribute working alone.

Now listen to part of a lecture on the topic you just read about.

(Professor) Now I want to tell you about what one company found when it decided that it would turn over some of its new projects to teams of people, and make the team responsible for planning the projects and getting the work done. After about six months, the company took a look at how well the teams performed. On virtually every team, some members got almost a “free ride” … they didn’t contribute much at all, but if their team did a good job, they nevertheless benefited from the recognition the team got. And what about group members who worked especially well and who provided a lot of insight on problems and issues? Well…the recognition for a job well done went to the group as a whole, no names were named. So it won’t surprise you to learn that when the real contributors were asked how they felt about the group process, their attitude was just the opposite of what the reading predicts. Another finding was that some projects just didn’t move very quickly. Why? Because it took so long to reach consensus…it took many, many meetings to build the agreement among group members about how they would move the project along. On the other hand, there were other instances where one or two people managed to become very influential over what their group did. Sometimes when those influencers said “That will never work” about an idea the group was developing, the idea was quickly dropped instead of being further discussed. And then there was another occasion when a couple influencers convinced the group that a plan of theirs was “highly creative.” And even though some members tried to warn the rest of the group that the project was moving in directions that might not work, they were basically ignored by other group members. Can you guess the ending to *this* story? When the project failed, the blame was placed on all the members of the group.

You have 20 minutes to plan and write your response. Your response will be judged on the basis of the quality of your writing and on how well your response presents the points in the lecture and their relationship to the reading passage. Typically, an effective response will be 150 to 225 words.

Summarize the points made in the lecture you just heard, explaining how they cast doubt on points made in the reading.

TOEFL Integrated Writing Sample Essay

The lecturer talks about research conducted by a firm that used the group system to handle their work. He says that the theory stated in the passage was very different and somewhat inaccurate when compared to what happened for real.

First, some members got free rides. That is, some didn’t work hard but gotrecognition for the success nontheless. This also indicates that people who worked hard was not given recognition they should have got. In other words, they weren’t given the oppotunity to “shine”. This derectly contradicts what the passage indicates.

Second, groups were slow in progress. The passage says that groups are nore responsive than individuals because of the number of people involved and their aggregated resources. However, the speaker talks about how the firm found out that groups were slower than individuals in dicision making. Groups needed more time for meetings, which are neccesary procceedures in decision making. This was another part where experience contradicted theory.

Third, influetial people might emerge, and lead the group towards glory or failure. If the influent people are going in the right direction there would be no problem. But in cases where they go in the wrong direction, there is nobody that has enough influence to counter the decision made. In other words, the group might turn into a dictatorship, with the influential party as the leader, and might be less flexible in thinking. They might become one-sided, and thus fail to succeed.

TOEFL Writing Sample Analysis

There are three key things this TOEFL example essay does that results in its high score:

• Clearly presents main points
• Contrasts lecture and reading points
• Few grammatical/spelling errors

This essay clearly organizes the three main points made in the lecture,  which is what the first part of the prompt asked for. (“Summarize the points made in the lecture you just heard.”) There is one paragraph for each point, and the point is clearly stated within the first sentence of the paragraph followed by specific details from the lecture. This organization makes it easy to follow the writer’s thinking and see that they understood the lecture.

Additionally, the essay clearly contrasts points made in the lecture with points made in the reading. Each main paragraph includes an example of how the two are different, and the writer makes these differences clear by using words and phrases such as “however” and “this directly contradicts.” Stating these differences answers the second part of the prompt (“explain how they cast doubt on points made in the reading”) and shows that the writer understood both the lecture and reading well enough to differentiate between the two.

Finally, there are only a few minor spelling and grammar error s, the most noticeable of which is the incorrect use of the word “influent” in the final paragraph (it should be “influential”), and they do not detract from the meaning of the essay. This writer shows a strong grasp of the English language, a key TOEFL skill.

This essay shows that the writer understood the main points of both the lecture and the reading well enough to both describe them and contrast them. That, along with the relatively few mechanical errors, gives the essay a top score.

Top-Scoring Independent TOEFL Writing Sample

Below is an official Independent Writing prompt and top-scoring sample essay. Beneath the essay we analyze what about the essay resulted in it receiving a top score.

Independent Writing Example Prompt

Directions Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective essay will contain a minimum of 300 words.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Always telling the truth is the most important consideration in any relationship. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Independent TOEFL Writing Sample Essay

the traditional virtue of telling the truth in all situations is increasingly doubted by many in today’s world. many believe that telling the truth is not always the best policy when dealing with people. moreover, the line of a “truth” is becoming more and more vague. this essay will explore the importance of telling the truth in relationships between people.

we all understand that often the truth is offending and may not be a very nice thing to both hear or say. lies or white lies often have their advantages. the manipulation of white lies is the most obvious the business world. how many times have we heard that some product is “the finest” or “the cheapest”? how many times have we heard that products have such and such “magical functions”? advertising is about persuasion, and many would agree that if a company is to tell the absolute truth about it’s products, no one would be interested in even having a look at the products.

the same logic applies to human relationships. if your friend had worn a newly purchased dress on her birthday and energetically asked you if it was a worthy buy, would you freely express your opinion that you had never seen a dress as the one she’s currently wearing? and spoil her birthday? unarguably, hiding(entirely or particially) the truth in some situations can be quite handy indeed. confrontations and disputes can seemingly be avoided.

however, there is always the risk factor of the truth emerging sooner or later when telling an untruth. the basic trust in any relationships(businessman/customer, friends, parents/children) will be blotched, and would have an impact on the future relationship between both parties. the story of the “the boy who cried wolf” fully illustrates the consequenes of telling untruths. no one will believe you when you’re telling the truth. your word will have no weighting.

in addition, another “bad factor” of telling untruths is that you have absolutely no control over when the truth(of previous untruths) will emerge. untruths breed pain in both parties: tears when the truth is uncovered after a period of time; fear and the burden of sharing a “secret”. in the long run, it seems that hiding the truth is not beneficial to either party. everyone hates betrayal. even if it is the trend to occasionally hide the truth in relationships, it is strongly recommended that not to follow that trend as the risk and the consequences of the truth unfolded overwhelms the minimal advantages one can derive from not telling the truth. afterall, it is understood that relationships are founded on “trust” which goes hand in hand with “truth”. indeed telling the truth is the most important consideration in any relationship between people. always.

There are three key things this essay does that results in its high score, and each is explained in more detail below.

• Is well organized
• Uses specific examples

The essay, like the first one, is well organized. The writer’s position is clear within the first few sentences, and the rest of the essay elaborates on that position. Each paragraph begins with a new major point that is then explained. This logical flow of ideas is easy for readers to follow and shows that the writer knows how to set up a clear argument.

Another reason the essay received a top score is because the writer used specific examples to make her point. By using specific examples, such as a friend buying a new outfit and asking your opinion and phrases businesses use to sell products, the writer makes her argument stronger and more concrete.

Finally, despite the lack of capitalization throughout the essay, there are few spelling and grammatical errors, and the ones that do exist don’t detract from the meaning of the essay or make it confusing to understand. This shows a strong command of English and the ability to write in-depth essays that are clear and get their point across.

Where to Find More TOEFL Writing Samples

Below are a list of other places, official and unofficial, where you can find TOEFL Writing examples. You can use these examples to get a better idea of what a high-scoring essay looks like and what graders are looking for on the Writing section.

Official Resources

Official resources are always the best to use since you can be sure the essay prompts are accurate and the sample essays were accurately scored.

TOEFL iBT Writing Sample Responses

This resource contains several sample essays (including the two sample responses used above). The essays from on this site received different scores as well as analysis of why they received the score they did. This can be helpful if you want more information on, say, what differentiates an essay that got a “5” from an essay that got a “4”.

TOEFL iBT Test Questions

This is a complete practice TOEFL, but it does include several sample essays along with score explanations so you can get a more in-depth look at how and why different essays received the scores they did.

Unofficial Resources

There are numerous unofficial TOEFL writing samples out there, of varying quality. Below are two of the best.

TOEFL Resources

This site has several dozen sample essays for both the Integrated and Independent Writing topics. There’s no scoring analysis, but you do get a good variety of essay topics and essay samples so that you can get a sense of how to approach different essay prompts.

Good Luck TOEFL

Good Luck TOEFL has seven sample Independent Writing essays (no Integrated Writing). There’s no scoring analysis, but the essays and prompts are similar to official TOEFL essay topics.

Review: Analyzing TOEFL Writing Examples

Writing can be a particularly tricky TOEFL section, and seeing TOEFL Writing samples can go a long way to helping you feel more confident. For TOEFL Writing, you’ll need to write two essays, the Integrated Writing Task and the Independent Writing Task.  Looking over the rubrics for both these essays and understanding what graders will be looking for can help you understand what to include in your own essays.

Both essays are scored on a scale of 0-5. Top-scoring essays generally need to have good organization, specific examples, answer the prompt completely, and minor spelling and grammar errors. It can also be useful to review other TOEFL writing samples to get a better idea of what a great TOEFL essay looks like.

What’s Next?

Looking for more information on the TOEFL Writing section? Learn all the tips you need to know in order to ace TOEFL Writing!

Want more tips on how to prepare for TOEFL Writing questions? Check out our guide to the best ways to practice for TOEFL Writing!

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Author: Christine Sarikas

Christine graduated from Michigan State University with degrees in Environmental Biology and Geography and received her Master's from Duke University. In high school she scored in the 99th percentile on the SAT and was named a National Merit Finalist. She has taught English and biology in several countries. View all posts by Christine Sarikas

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‘Macbeth’ Grade 9 Example Response

Grade 9 – full mark – ‘Macbeth’ response

Starting with this extract (from act 1 scene 7), how does Shakespeare present the relationship between Macbeth and Lady Macbeth?

In Shakespeare’s eponymous tragedy ‘Macbeth’, Macbeth and Lady Macbeth’s relationship is a complex portrait of love, illustrating layers of utter devotion alongside overwhelming resentment. Though the couple begins the play unnaturally strong within their marriage, this seems to act as an early warning of their imminent and inevitable fall from grace, ending the play in an almost entirely different relationship than the one they began the play with.

In the exposition of the play, Macbeth and Lady Macbeth initially appear immensely strong within their marriage, with Macbeth describing his wife as ‘my dearest partner of greatness’ in act 1 scene 5. The emotive superlative adjective ‘dearest’ is a term of endearment, and acts as a clear depiction of how valued Lady Macbeth is by her husband. Secondly, the noun ‘partner’ creates a sense of sincere equality which, as equality within marriage would have been unusual in the Jacobean era, illustrates to a contemporary audience the positive aspects of their relationship. Furthermore the lexical choice ‘greatness’ may connote ambition, and as they are ‘partner(s)’, Shakespeare suggests that Macbeth and Lady Macbeth are equal in their desire for power and control, further confirming their compatibility but potentially hinting that said compatibility will serve as the couple’s hamartia.

However, the strength of Macbeth and Lady Macbeth’s relationship falls into a rapid downward spiral in the subsequent scenes, as a struggle for power within the marriage ensues. This is evidenced when Macbeth, in act 1 scene 7, uses the declarative statement ‘we will proceed no further in this business’. Here, Macbeth seems to exude masculinity, embracing his gender role and dictating both his and his wife’s decisions. The negation ‘no’ clearly indicates his alleged definitive attitude. However, Lady Macbeth refuses to accept her husband’s rule, stating ‘when you durst do it, then you were a man’. She attempts to emasculate him to see their plan through. The verb ‘durst’ illustrates the risk taking behaviour that Lady Macbeth is encouraging; implying an element of toxicity within their relationship, and her harsh speech makes the cracks in their relationship further visible to the audience. It is also probable that a contemporary audience would be made severely uncomfortable in the presence of Lady Macbeth’s unapologetic display of power, and it is possible that Shakespeare attempts to paint Lady Macbeth as the villain of the play, playing upon the audience’s pre-determined fears of feminine power. Though Lady Macbeth appears to be acting entirely out of self-interest, another reader may argue that she influences her husband so heavily to commit the heinous act of regicide, as she believes that he crown may as a substitute for the child or children that Shakespeare suggests she and Macbeth have lost previously, and in turn better Macbeth’s life and bring him to the same happiness that came with the child, except in another form.

As the play progresses, Shakespeare creates more and more distance between the characters, portraying the breakdown of their relationship as gradual within the play but rapid in the overall sense of time on stage. For example, Lady Macbeth requests a servant ‘say to the king’ Lady Macbeth ‘would attend his leisure/ for a few words’. Here she is reduced to the status of someone far lesser than the king, having to request to speak to her own husband. It could be interpreted that, now as king, Macbeth holds himself above all else, even his wife, perhaps due to the belief of the divine right of kings. The use of the title rather than his name plainly indicated the lack of closeness Lady Macbeth now feels with Macbeth and intensely emotionally separates them. This same idea is referenced as Shakespeare develops the characters to almost juxtapose each other in their experiences after the murder of Duncan. For example, Macbeth seems to be trapped in a permanent day, after ‘Macbeth does murder sleep’ and his guilt and paranoia render him unable to rest. In contrast, Lady Macbeth takes on an oppositional path, suffering sleepwalking and unable to wake from her nightmare; repeating the phrase ‘to bed. To bed’ as if trapped in a never-ending night. This illustrates to the audience the extreme transformation Macbeth and Lady Macbeth’s relationship undergoes, and how differently they end up experiencing the aftermath of regicide.

In conclusion, Macbeth and Lady Macbeth begin the play almost too comfortable within their marriage, which seems to invite the presence of chaos and tragedy into their relationship. Their moral compositions are opposing one another, which leads to the distancing and total breakdown of their once successful marriage and thus serves as a warning to the audience about the effects of murder, and what the deadly sin of greed can do to a person and a marriage.

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gcseenglishwithmisshuttlestone

Secondary English teacher in Herts. View all posts by gcseenglishwithmisshuttlestone

9 thoughts on “‘Macbeth’ Grade 9 Example Response”

wheres the context

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It is also probable that a contemporary audience would be made severely uncomfortable in the presence of Lady Macbeth’s unapologetic display of power, and it is possible that Shakespeare attempts to paint Lady Macbeth as the villain of the play, playing upon the audience’s pre-determined fears of feminine power.

Also ref to ‘divine right of kings’

Thank you! This is a brilliant response. Just what I needed. Could you also please include the extract in the question.

We will proceed no further in this business. He hath honored me of late, and I have bought Golden opinions from all sorts of people, Which would be worn now in their newest gloss, Not cast aside so soon.

—> until end of scene

She did (Act 1 Scene 7)

Another great resource for grade 9 Macbeth analysis https://youtu.be/bGzLDRX71bs

In order to get a grade 9 for a piece like this would you need to include a wide range of vocabulary or could you write the same thing ‘dumbed down’ and get a 9.

If the ideas were as strong then yes, but your writing must AT LEAST be ‘clear’ for a grade 6 or above.

This is really great, I’m in Year 10 doing my Mock on Thursday, a great point that i have found (because I also take history) Is the depiction of women throughout the play, during the Elizabethan era, (before the Jacobean era) many people had a changed view of women as Queen Elizabeth was such a powerful woman, glimpses of this have been shown in Jacobean plays, in this case Macbeth, Lady Macbeth is depicted as powerful although she had to be killed of to please King James (as he was a misogynist) women are also depicted as evil in the play, such as the three witches, I also found that the Witches are in three which could be a mockery to the Holy Trinity.

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How to write full mark essay in Yr 7-12 (tips from a James Ruse graduate)

State Ranker Frankenstein Notes: Worlds of Upheaval (English Extension 1)

Full mark essay tips for english extension 1 by a state ranker.

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How to Write a Section II Critical Response

As one of the most important writing skills for English Extension 1, being able to compose a critical piece in response to a complex elective question takes practice. However, to create a sophisticated response under time constrains further requires you to have a strong understanding of the syllabus and the texts you are studying.

Rationale Understanding

The first step to answering a question for your elective that you have studied throughout the year is to first ensure you have a solid understanding of the elective itself. Obtaining a digital copy or printing the syllabus yourself for your elective then highlighting keywords and forming questions out of them will be a valuable tool when revising as you now have a question bank to respond to.

Preparation: Resource Collation

Following this, tailoring your response to best meet the needs of the question comes down to ensuring you have relevant and high-level analysis on both your main and related texts. As a hot tip, really spending the time to read scholarly articles on your texts and trying your best to understand them will majorly help you as you could now have an additional perspective on the text you are studying.  

Your Introduction

As you may know, the start of your essay is undoubtedly important in ensuring you answer the question succinctly while offering unique perspectives. Employing sophisticated vocabulary that actually fits in with the question and works well with your essay holistically is another skill that will help you in answering any critical response question. Take a read of these few sentences and take a moment to first digest what this question is asking and second why it makes a strong thesis.

“The fragmentation of the socio-political climates in human history, as mirrored through paradigmatic binaries, are inextricably permeated through the dichotomy between alternate historical periods. Accordingly, the accumulation of grotesque global events catalysed the profound shift in global consciousness and is documented through the literature of the time to reflect and activate change in attitudes, perspectives and social circumstances.”

The body of your essay is the bulk of your argument and shows the marker that you truly know your texts in relation to the question being asked. Taking the time to study your analysis and find which parts resonate will you helps make it easier when it comes exam time as you have an authentic appreciation for your texts. Consistently linking back to the question is a must include as it directly shows the marker you are still answering the same question, even five paragraphs into the essay! Including literary analysis, sophisticated commentary and integration of your own opinion of the text supported your understanding of the syllabus are a few of the essential elements of body paragraph success. Take a read at the beginning of a general body paragraph about ‘Waiting for Godot’ below and make note of the sophisticated phrases, contextual detail and strong topic sentence. To see a detailed guide on how to write essays from scratch, visit our blog post “ How to Write a Full Mark Essay in Yr 7-12 “. 

“Indeed, Samuel Beckett’s absurdist drama, ‘Waiting for Godot’, manifests as an artistic rebellion, as Beckett promulgates that existential angst and individual paralysis within the era is a direct implication of ideological uncertainty. Through subverting literary conventions, Godot is able to reflect the societal dichotomies during an uncertain age, further amplifying Beckett’s attempt in divulging the malleability of truth during times of upheaval. According to Beckett himself, “to find a form that accommodates the mess” is the task of a Cold War artist; as government regulation intensified over both media and the arts during the 1940s, intentional subversion and manipulation of the form of traditional drama became a means of defying the imposed controls. Analogously, categorized as the ‘Theatre of the Absurd’, a term coined by Martin Esslin, Beckett employs notions of irrationality and incongruity of life into the drama to overturn what society generally regarded as ‘real’; undoubtedly, the premier shocked the audience as it presented a new type of theatrical performance that used unconventional methods, having nearly caused riots across Western Europe (Esslin 2) . ”

The depth of textual detail and insightful analysis of language features and form is also very important, and make sure that it continually links back to the question, your topic sentence and thesis statement. The following is a continuation of the previous segment of a body paragraph:

“ In conveying the senselessness of life and the loss of ideals, Beckett unconventionally questions existence, then immediately juxtaposes this with vaudeville humour, as the protagonists’ hapless drollery calls to mind the buffoonery of comedians and tramps, such as Charlie Chaplin and Laurel and Hardy. Nonetheless, the deadpan humour, non-sequitur commenting and the drama’s static nature are accentuated by the constant mutter of “nothing to be done”, a leitmotif depicting purposelessness and lack of understanding. Furthermore, Beckett exacerbates the deterioration of ideological certainty through the absence of meaningful dialogue, reaffirming Irish critic Vivican Mercer, stating that “nothing happens, twice”. When such stylistic and linguistic features are coupled with the Cartesian solipsism of “I think, therefore I am”, Beckett reiterates the grapple of humankind to apprehend personal identity amidst deviating socio-cultural paradigms. Moreover, the personification of existential ennui and cyclical suffering is further perpetuated by Vladimir and Estragon’s tenacious adoption of a Sisyphean repetition and struggle as the stage direction in “Yes, let’s go. [They do not move]”  becomes a mimesis for the macrocosmic attitudes of nihilism and disillusionment that predicted the anxieties of the early phases of the epoch. Notwithstanding, many critics including Martin Esslin, consider Lucky’s thinking act as a “wild schizophrenia word salad”; there is indeed a method in madness, bringing about a sense that words have been put together haphazardly to create a particular structure, and therein lies the meaning. Resultantly, Lucky’s speech may be a reflection of the play itself in concise form, producing meaning from its formlessness and lack of substance, with Beckett himself remarking that the “threads and themes of the play are being gathered together [in Lucky’s speech]”. Absurdist elements are portrayed, including Lucky’s continual repetition that everything happens for “reasons unknown”, yet repeatedly says “I resume”, underscoring that despite human efforts being meaningless, one must strive to achieve something positive .”

At JP English, our state rank and high Band 6 tutors help students to continually refine their written expression and exam technique so that they can easily write sophisticated essays under timed conditions. 

Want to learn more? Click here to watch a recording of our essay writing seminar on our Youtube channel. 

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Paper 2 Marked Answers

Looking at examples of marked answers is a great way to help you understand the skills you need to show for each question and the level of detail you need to include. on each answer you'll see annotations from the examiner in the margin. these show where the student has included a skill and at what level. at the end you'll see the final mark., these are example answers from the june 2019 paper 2. you can find the whole paper  here ..

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Sample essays

Sample essay questions and suggested reading

Here are a few sample essay questions for you to think about. Remember that you get 40 minutes to write a recommended maximum of 750 words – ideally about 500-600 words .  We also have sample answers to some of these questions. See download links at bottom of this page.

• How should judges be appointed?
• Make the best case you can for public funding of the arts.  Answer
• Does it matter if some animal and plant species die out?  Answer
• ‘It is right that students should contribute to the cost of their degrees.’ Do you agree?
• What disciplinary sanctions should teachers be allowed to use?
• ‘We must be prepared to sacrifice traditional liberties to defeat terrorism.’ Discuss.
• Should the law require people to vote in general elections?
• Should private cars be rationed? If so, how?
• What is ‘political correctness’ and why does it matter?  Answer
• There are more essay topics on our practice tests .

When you reach the Review screen, do not click on End Review unless you have completed your essay and wish to end your session. If you wish to review or edit your essay response, click on the question number that it relates to.

As part of your preparation you may also like to look at some materials on critical thinking. Here is a selection. Some of them include exercises that can help you develop your LNAT skills.

A. Fisher,  Critical Thinking: An Introduction  (Cambridge University Press 2001) ISBN 0521009847

R. van den Brink-Budgen,  Critical Thinking for Students  (How to Books 2000) ISBN 1857036344

N. Warburton,  Thinking From A to Z  (Routledge 2000) ISBN 0415222818

P. Gardner,  New Directions: Reading, Writing, and Critical Thinking (Cambridge University Press 2006) ISBN 0521541727 (mainly for those who have English as a second language)

Sample answer: Make the best case you can for public funding of the arts

Sample answer: Does it matter if some animal and plant species die out?

Sample answer: What is 'political correctness' and why does it matter?

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IB EE examples for all subjects

Filter exemplars, to what extent has satya nadella's transformational leadership style contributed to creating a "growth mindset" at microsoft corporation, to what extent did catherine the great change russian society up to 1796, want to get full marks for your ee allow us to review it for you 🎯, to what extent does the tension being applied on a wire affect the resonance frequency, how does the amount of bioavailable lycopene in mg per 100 g of tomato pulp change with heat treatment for 15 minutes in 40, 60, 80, and 100 degrees celsius, investigated with spectrophotometry using wavelengths of length 503 nm, how does the total energy supplied during ultrasonic cavitation of benzene affect the integrated photoluminescence intensity and quantum yield of graphene quantum dots (gqds), fast track your coursework with mark schemes moderated by ib examiners. upgrade now 🚀, to what extent was the british government responsible for the collapse of the sunningdale agreement of 1973, to what extent does the type of alcohol used in the fischer-speier esterification reaction affect the average rate of reaction as measured through back titration., to what extent does global self-esteem influence academic performance, to what extent has zoom’s freemium business model influenced its market leadership position in the north american video conferencing market from 2020 to 2021, to what extent does the presence of acetaminophen (tylenol), polymixin b (polysporin), and diphenhydramine hydrochloride (benadryl) in the growth medium of cotoneaster acutifolius affect the average change in leaf length over a period of 15 days in five different concentrations, to what extent do different concentrations of magnesium nitrate (10, 20, 30, 40, 50 mm) affect the concentration of chlorophyll a and b in ocimum basilicum at 645 nm and 662 nm wavelength using spectrophotometer, how does 5g of different types of oils (palm oil, avocado oil, castor oil, and olive oil) contribute to the production of soap bars with a ph level closest to 7 measured at constant temperature (50°c) and after constant time of refluxing (30 minutes) through the saponification process, how have amazon's market strategies contributed in successfully growing its e-commerce business internationally, to what extent has the change in corporate leadership at apple inc. from steve jobs to tim cook impacted the company's innovation and product development, to what extent does inhaling e-cigarettes affect the lungs’ vital capacity of high school students in jakarta, fluid’s density effect on falling objects, to what extent will toyota’s diversification help increase business revenues and market share, to what extent does vivienne westwood's sustainable fashion initiatives provide it with a competitive advantage over other luxury brands, to what extent were queer people liberated in weimar germany, 1919-1933, to what extent does market-oriented approach give netflix, inc. a competitive advantage in the streaming entertainment industry, how is the lift at various angles of attack affected by flap deflection angles, to what extent do different species of chili pepper consumption biologically affect the rate of lipid digestion in terms of ph change within 30 minutes, to what extent do phytochemicals such as resveratrol, glyceollin and epigallocatechin-3-gallate (egcg) possess comparable antibacterial effects against staphylococcus aureus bacteria to a non-prescription otitis externa (oe) treatments such as ciprofloxacin using bacillus subtilis as a prokaryotic model organism, to what extent is blood pressure related to the development of alzheimer’s disease in people in age above 50, to what extent does oxytocin affect interpersonal trust in young adults, how has apple used sustainable innovation to gain a competitive edge, to what extent do extracts of allium sativum (garlic) and zingiber officinale (ginger) reduce antimicrobial activity and how effective it is compared to antibiotics, how do different concentrations of punica granatum extracts: peel, flower and leaves (10, 20, 30, 40 and 50 mg/ml) affect the rate of reaction of α-amylase and compare with metformin (anti-diabetic drug) as measured by a spectrophotometer at 587nm, how effective is the cone repair technique when treating ebstein’s anomaly in comparison to other treatments, to what extent do social networking sites increase rates of anxiety in adolescents, what effect does the difference in radius at the top and bottom of the roller coaster loop have on the maximum change in g-force that a passenger experiences, to what extent can four seasons hotel’s success be attributed to its corporate culture and isadore sharp’s leadership style, how does the concentration of harpagoside, which is identified by the surface area of the spot on the chromatography paper, changes in the equine mane over the period of one month after gradual consumption of the supplement “devil’s claw”, what is the relationship between the height of the siphon and the flow velocity out of the siphon, what is the effect of salinity stress (0, 50, 100, 150, 200 mm nacl) measured through microscopic (stomatal aperture) and morphological (leaf area, leaf dry mass, and root length) characteristics on pre-treated radish (raphanus sativus) seeds with magnetopriming (48 hours), to what extent has the launch of disney+ proven successful in advancing disney’s digital presence and establishing market dominance in the subscription-based video on demand (svod) market, how could family-based therapies such as cff-cbt, fft, and fft-hr be implemented in the treatment of pediatric bipolar disorder, to what extent were the nuremberg trials defendants afforded a fair due process, to what extent has google's diversification into the wearables industry increased its profitability, to what extent has japan taken steps to end overfishing in order to meet sustainable development goal 14.

Test Resources

TOEFL® Resources by Michael Goodine

Complete toefl essay templates (2024 update).

TOEFL essay templates can help you answer both of the TOEFL writing questions.  To write a strong TOEFL essay just fill in the blanks with the required information from your notes (in the integrated essay) or from your ideas (the writing for an academic discussion task). Note that I also have a set of TOEFL speaking templates . If you want more personalized help with your essays you can sign up for our TOEFL essay evaluation service .

Integrated Essay Template (Writing Question One)

The introduction.

No matter what question style is used, write your introduction using the following template:

• The reading and the lecture are both about _____. 
• While the author of the article argues that ____, the lecturer disputes the claims mentioned in the article.
• His position is that _____.

The Body Paragraphs

Use the following templates for the body paragraphs:

• According to the reading  _____.
• The article mentions that _____.
• This lecturer challenges this argument.
• He claims that _____.
• Additionally, he points out that ______.
• Secondly, the author suggests ______.
• The article notes that _____.
• The lecturer, however, asserts that ______.
• He goes on to say that ______.
• Finally, the author puts forth the idea that _____.
• The author contends that _____.
• In contrast, the lecturer’s stance is  _____.
• He says that _____.

You don’t need a conclusion.

Your TOEFL integrated essay should be about 280 to 300 words. To see this template in use, check out my collection of sample essays .

Writing for Academic Discussion (Writing Question Two)

Here’s a really straightforward template that is easy to use.

• While some people might think [opposite of my opinion], I really believe that [my opinion]
• First of all , [elaborate on the opinion].
• Actually, I have some experience with this .
• [a quick personal example]

Here’s a template that focuses on giving an entirely new answer and ignoring the other student responses.  This is my favorite template.

• While I appreciate the points mentioned by both  STUDENT 1  and  STUDENT 2 , I think that …
• [elaborate on your idea for a few sentences]
• Remember that  [elaborate on your point],  so  [elaborate on your point].
• Some people may feel that  [mention a potential challenge],  but  [respond to this challenge].

Here’s a template that focuses on expanding on and challenging the points mentioned by the other students.  I don’t like this template as much, but some people prefer it.

• This is a challenging topic, but I think that  [respond directly to the question].
• I strongly agree with  [student]’s  idea that  [mention one point made by the student]. 
• I’d add that  [expand on the point with your own idea].
• While  [other student]  raised the relevant point that  [mention one point made by the other student],  he/she didn’t mention that  [challenge that point].
• For example  [elaborate on your challenge with your own ideas].

Your response should be about 120 words. 

To practice, you can check out my collection of sample questions .

Demonstration Video

Further reading – need more help need speaking templates.

We also have in-depth guides to the academic discussion  and integrated writing tasks.  Check them out!  We also have TOEFL speaking templates . 

Sign up for express essay evaluation today!

Submit your practice TOEFL essays for evaluation by the author of this website.  Get feedback on grammar, structure, vocabulary and more.  Learn how to score better on the TOEFL.  Feedback in 48 hours.

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History A-Level Coursework Exemplar Essay (Full Marks and Grade A* Achieved)

Subject: History

Age range: 16+

Resource type: Unit of work

Last updated

19 April 2024

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History A-Level Coursework Exemplar Essay (Full Marks and Grade A* Achieved).

Title: Muslim disunity was the most important reason for the success of the First Crusade. How far do you agree?

This resource contains a full mark A* coursework essay that was awarded this grade in 2022. Included is an introduction, establishment of criteria, theme analysis, primary sources, historical interpretations and interim/final judgements. Furthermore, footnotes and an extensive bibliography (Harvard) are also included in this 13-page resource. Also included is a workbook to help you plan your own coursework as well as some advice sheets from the examiners.

Please use this resource (PDF version) to aid your study and how to plan your essay, rather than copying the content. Despite this, the information could well be very useful if you are studying the Crusades and Crusader States at A-Level (OCR and AQA exam boards).

If you do have any questions regarding this resource, or the course in general, please do not hesitate to email [email protected]

Tes paid licence How can I reuse this?

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