leaving home essay

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Leaving home.

Leaving your family home to go to university is not always easy. Read the advice from a first-year student and her dad to get two points of view on the experience.

Instructions

Do the preparation exercise first. Then read the article and do the other exercises.

Preparation

Going away to university is always a tricky time, both for the students who are leaving home and their parents who are staying behind. We got advice on how to cope from a student daughter and her dad.

A daughter’s advice to parents, by Kerry Price

My parents drove me to uni at the beginning of the first term. That was great, but then they hung around, so it was hard to chat to the people in the rooms near mine. It’s best if you leave us to unpack ourselves.

Don’t ask us to come home during term time. There’s a lot going on at weekends, there just isn’t time.

Get another interest or a pet if you feel lonely without us. Don’t make us feel guilty about leaving home!

It is quite interesting to hear about your experiences at uni, but remember that it was a LONG time ago so don’t go on about it so much. Things have changed a lot. Now we have a lot more debt and it’ll be harder to find a job in the future.

Please don’t check up on us or our friends on Facebook. I know it’s a public site, but we have the right to some privacy.

Don’t change anything in our bedrooms. We have only half left home - we’ll be back in the holidays, so please don’t touch anything.

We’d still like to come on family holidays with you. Don’t forget to include us just because we’re not there all the time.

A father’s advice to students, by Stuart Price

Don’t complain so much about how much work you have to do. We work a lot too. You’re an adult now, get used to it.

Put up with the fact that we refused to get a dog while you were at home, then suddenly bought one as soon as you moved out. We miss you!

Just because you’re at university studying very complex subjects, it doesn’t mean that you’re more intelligent than everybody else. Don’t treat your family as if they were stupid; we’re really not.

Let us come and visit you now and again. We promise to try not to embarrass you in front of your friends. We just want to see you for a short time and take you out for a meal.

Don’t waste so much time on Facebook. You need time for all that work you have to do, remember?

We might make a few changes to your room, so deal with it. It’s great to have a guest room at last, but we won’t change things too much, promise.

Don’t forget to call home from time to time and don’t get annoyed if we phone you. It’s not pestering. If we didn’t call, you wouldn’t know that we care.

Check your understanding: multiple choice

Check your vocabulary: gap fill, worksheets and downloads.

Are you looking forward to leaving home? Why or why not?

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To a Daughter Leaving Home

By Linda Pastan

‘To a Daughter Leaving Home’ uses the metaphor of a child learning to ride a bike to beautifully capture a parent’s mixed emotions of pride and fear as they watch their daughter grow up and gain independence.

Linda Pastan

Nationality: American

She won the Mademoiselle poetry prize while at Radcliffe College.

Key Poem Information

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Central Message: Releasing the ties that bind is a deeply felt necessity in parenting.

Themes: Aging , Coming of Age , Journey , Love , New Life , Relationships

Speaker: A parent

Emotions Evoked: Anxiety , Fear , Freedom , Joyfulness , Nervousness , Pride , Worry

Poetic Form: Free Verse

Time Period: 20th Century

The poem uses the metaphor of bike-riding to depict parental ambivalence and the bittersweet nature of letting go, highlighting the mix of pride and loss as a child grows up.

Poem Analyzed by Angel Nicolin Suyman

Bachelor of Secondary Education in English and M.A. in English

Linda Pastan, a distinguished American poet, included the poem ‘ To a Daughter Leaving Home ‘ in her 1988 poetry collection titled The Imperfect Paradise . This touching poem records a moment between a parent and a young daughter learning to ride a bicycle.

The poem begins with the parent running beside the daughter, providing support as she wobbles and starts to find her balance. As the daughter picks up speed and rides away, the narrative shifts, eliciting a mix of terror and pride in the parent. This moment of sudden separation illustrates the dual emotions of parenting—the fear of letting go and the joy of seeing one’s child succeed on their own. Pastan explores the deep emotional currents of a parent watching their child take initial steps to independence.

Consider the following when reading the poem:

• Metaphor : The poem uses a metaphor, which is the process of learning to ride a bike, representing the journey of raising a child and then granting her emotional freedom.
• Form and Structure : Take notice of the form—it is simple, yet so evocative. Observe how the form influences the overall impact the poem makes.
• Personal Experience : Consider whether you have experienced freedom, or if your relationship with your parents is particularly close. It is often most effective to connect your own experiences with the themes addressed in the poem.

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Explore To a Daughter Leaving Home

• 2 Historical and Literary Context
• 3 Analysis, Line by Line
• 5 Structure and Form
• 6 Literary Devices
• 8 Related Poetry

‘ To a Daughter Leaving Home ‘ intensely captures a parent’s emotional journey as they teach their daughter to ride a bike, symbolizing her growing freedom. The poem reflects on the bittersweet nature of parenting, marked by pride in a child’s autonomy and the heartache of letting go.

Linda Pastan’s ‘ To a Daughter Leaving Home ‘ is a poem that captures an emotional moment between a parent and their daughter. The poem begins with a flashback to when the daughter was eight years old and learning to ride a bike. The parent recounts running alongside their daughter, holding onto the bicycle seat, as she pedaled and wobbled, trying to find her balance.

As the daughter gains momentum and confidence, she begins to speed up, causing the parent to run faster. This moment is critical as it symbolizes the daughter’s growth. The parent, breathless and anxious, chases after her, aware of the potential dangers but also recognizing the importance of this progress. Eventually, the daughter rides away, leaving the parent behind, both literally and metaphorically . This moment terrifies the parent, reflecting the universal fear parents feel as their children grow up and venture into the world on their own.

Despite their fear, the parent observes the joy and thrill on their daughter’s face as she rides freely. This image brings a mix of emotions—pride in the daughter’s self-determination and a bittersweet acceptance of her inevitable journey away from childhood and parental protection.

The poem concludes by returning to the present, where the daughter is metaphorically riding away from home, starting her own life. The parent’s reflective tone captures the essence of parenting: the simultaneous joy in seeing one’s child grow and the heartache of letting go. ‘ To a Daughter Leaving Home ‘ explores these concepts of liberation, growth, and the transitions of life through the simple yet profound metaphor of learning to ride a bike.

The Poem Analysis Take

Expert Insights by Angel Nicolin Suyman

As someone who once gained independence as a child, ' To a Daughter Leaving Home ' by Linda Pastan strikes a chord with me. The poem effectively portrays the emotional moment of transition from childhood to independence, particularly through the metaphor of learning to ride a bike. It reminds me of my own journey towards independence and the mix of excitement and apprehension that came with it. The poem teaches us about the inevitability of change and the importance of letting go, while also celebrating the courage it takes to embrace new beginnings.

Historical and Literary Context

The poem’s impact is deeply rooted in its literary and historical surroundings. At a time of growing responsibility for women in society, one could make the connection with Pastan’s portrayal of the growing independence of a developing person.

Historical Context : In the 1980s and early 1990s, when this poem was published and widely read, there was a time of cultural and social change in the United States. This period witnessed discussions on family dynamics, gender roles, and women’s emancipation, influenced by the resurgence of feminism that reached its peak in the 1960s and 1970s. Linda Pastan’s poems exploring independence and release mirror changes that embraced personal growth and self-reliance, qualities promoted among younger generations, particularly daughters

During that time, people began to develop a deeper understanding of the mental challenges of parenting. There was a shift from traditional approaches to parenting towards more nurturing and supportive methods. This change is evident in Pastan’s description of how parents experience a blend of pride and fear as they witness their child’s development.

Literary Context : Linda Pastan holds a prominent position in poetry, recognized for her relatable yet deep reflections on everyday life, family dynamics, and home life. Her poetry often explores the interactions within families, offering insightful perspectives through ordinary situations. ‘ To a Daughter Leaving Home ‘ follows this pattern by depicting a moving household scene—teaching a child how to ride a bike—to convey themes of development and freedom.

This poem also resonates with a broader literary movement during the late 20th century, where many poets embraced free verse and personal stories to express intimate, everyday experiences that unveil shared human realities. Pastan’s minimalist approach and emphasis on the personal reflect the influence of confessional poetry , although her work tends to be less explicitly autobiographical and more deeply relatable to people from various walks of life.

Analysis, Line by Line

When I taught you at eight to ride a bicycle, loping along beside you as you wobbled away

In the opening lines, the poet introduces a captivating moment of parental guidance and child independence through the simple act of teaching a child to ride a bicycle. The moment is captured briefly yet powerfully with “When I taught you / at eight to ride / a bicycle,” setting the stage for a common childhood experience that is loaded with deeper emotional meaning. The specific mention of the age “eight” pinpoints a time in childhood that is often associated with growing autonomy and the mastering of new skills, providing a stage that many readers can identify with.

The verb “loping” is purposely used to describe the parent’s movement—suggesting a relaxed, yet somewhat awkward pace . This contrasts with the child’s motion, expressed in “as you wobbled away.” The word “wobbled” suggests instability and the inevitable small failures that come with learning any new skill, reflective of the broader challenges of growing up. This wobbling is not just physical but metaphorical , symbolizing the child’s unsteady first steps in embracing freedom.

The physical act of the parent running next to the child, ready to catch them if they fall, poetically mirrors the emotional role of a parent—supportive yet letting go, present yet preparing to step back. Moving together yet apart captures the essence of the parenting journey—closely guiding and protecting, while eventually allowing the child to find their own path.

These lines set an underlying tone for the poem, depicting a clear scene rich with symbolism . They not only recount a literal experience of a childhood act of passage but also explore the emotional difficulties involved in the act of parenting. It’s a picture that captures the joy, anxiety, pride, and unavoidable sadness as parents watch their children pedal away into the broader world, growing more distant and independent with each turn of the wheel.

on two round wheels, my own mouth rounding in surprise when you pulled ahead down the curved path of the park,

In lines 6 through 10, the poem elaborates on the act of learning to ride a bicycle, containing deeper emotional and visual layers in the narrative. The “two round wheels” mentioned not only describe the physical components of the bicycle but also symbolize the cyclical nature of life and experiences, bracing the ongoing motion and continuous journey of growth and liberation.

The speaker ’s reaction is intensely shown in the phrase “my own mouth rounding in surprise,” which expresses surprise and a touch of awe as the child unexpectedly speeds up. This use of “rounding” resonates with the “round wheels,” creating a poetic connection and emphasizing the poem’s core concepts of cycles and transitions. This moment is vital, noting a literal and metaphorical turning point between parent and child. It portrays both the joy of witnessing the child’s newfound freedom and the sudden realization of the child’s potential to venture into the unexpected.

Furthermore, the figure of the child pulling ahead “down the curved path of the park” adds a sense of direction and destiny to the narrative. The curved path introduces an element of the unforeseen, symbolizing the future and unknown paths the child will explore. This section of the poem summarizes the core of parenting—observing a child’s progress, often in unexpected directions, while the parent stays behind, balancing pride and worry. These lines skillfully intertwine the physical act of riding a bike with the emotional journey of letting go, showing a critical moment of transition in the parent-child relationship.

Lines 11-14

I kept waiting for the thud of your crash as I sprinted to catch up,

In lines 11 to 14, the poem slightly shifts its focus, concentrating more deeply on the parent’s view and emotional state. The line “I kept waiting” introduces a suspenseful tone, portraying the parent’s anxiety and expectation of a possible mishap as their child moves further away on the bike. This waiting is full of tension, illustrating the parent’s protective senses and the fear of the potential dangers that go along with the newfound autonomy.

The set expectation of “the thud of your crash” clearly conveys the parent’s worst fears. The use of “thud” captures a harsh, final sound, intensifying the fear of a serious accident. This phrase summarizes the instinctive fear that parents feel as they watch their children handle risky situations, symbolizing the wider challenges and dangers the child will face in life beyond the speedy context of riding a bicycle.

The urgency of the situation is further heightened by the parent’s physical reaction “as I sprinted to catch up.” This action demonstrates a desperate attempt to maintain closeness and provide safety, focusing on the natural parental instinct to protect and step in. It also slightly recognizes the growing gap between the child’s capabilities and the parent’s ability to control or protect, demonstrating a common dynamic as children grow more independent.

These lines capture the essence of the poem, highlighting the balancing act that parents face between allowing their children to explore and shielding them from harm. The clear description and actions depicted by Pastan elicit a reaction that resonates with anyone who has experienced the inner conflict of wanting their child to be independent yet safe. This section of the poem, filled with sensory descriptions, emphasizes the reality of parenthood as a journey of stepping back, gradually observing, waiting, and at times worrying as children navigate their own paths in life.

Lines 15-20

while you grew smaller, more breakable with distance, pumping, pumping for your life, screaming with laughter,

In these lines, the poem portrays how the child grows more independent, both physically and emotionally, as they distance themselves from their parent. The idea of the child “growing smaller, more breakable with distance” profoundly reflects the parent’s perspective of increasing vulnerability as the child moves away. This notion of the child becoming “more breakable” emphasizes the parent’s fear and concern, highlighting the emotional tension between protecting the child and letting them explore their own capabilities.

The repeated use of the term “pumping” underscores the child’s dedication and perseverance. This portrayal of exertion not only captures the actual act of pedaling a bike but also represents the child’s spirited quest for liberation and new adventures. It encapsulates a moment reflecting both the liveliness of youth and the unstoppable progression towards self-reliance.

The difference in emotions between the parent and the child is strikingly evident as the child is “screaming with laughter.” This happy outburst emphasizes the child’s excitement and joy in exploring their liberty, in contrast to the parent’s worries. It captures the feelings that come with milestones; while they may be frightening for parents, they are usually thrilling and freeing for children.

These lines shine a light on the nature of parenthood: witnessing a child’s departure both in body and spirit while finding solace in their happiness and achievements. The conflicting emotions portrayed here—fear, admiration, happiness, and fragility—mirror the sentiments parents experience as they see their children evolve into individuals. This part of the poem beautifully conveys the act of releasing with a mix of apprehension and celebratory liberation.

Lines 21-24

the hair flapping behind you like a handkerchief waving goodbye.

In the concluding lines, the imagery encapsulates the emotional essence of the poem through an intense visual metaphor. The lines “the hair flapping / behind you like a / handkerchief waving / goodbye” portray an impactful representation of departure. Depicting the daughter’s hair swaying as she departs instantly evokes a sense of movement and distance. Her hair dances in the breeze as she moves further from her parent, just like her journey towards autonomy.

The comparison of the daughter’s hair to a handkerchief waving goodbye is particularly striking. Traditionally, a handkerchief waving is a gesture of farewell that carries deep emotional weight, often used to signify long or permanent separations. This metaphor beautifully ties the physical act of riding away on a bicycle to the integral experience of growing up and leaving home. It underscores the bittersweet reality of such milestones where the joy of achieving autonomy intersects with the sadness of separation.

Furthermore, the symbolism of the handkerchief not only highlights the parent’s perspective of sending off a child into the world but also subtly acknowledges the lingering presence of the parent’s emotions and memories. It’s a reminder that while the child moves forward into new adventures, the parent remains, holding onto the memories of earlier times.

The words in these lines, filled with metaphors , capture the message of the poem: releasing. They offer a touching ending that strikes a chord with anyone who has felt the mix of pride and sadness when seeing a loved one embark on new journeys. The straightforward yet impactful imagery makes this moment relatable to both parents and children, evoking deep emotions.

‘To a Daughter Leaving Home’ explores several deeply meaningful concepts through the simple yet emotionally rich narrative of teaching a daughter to ride a bike. These ideas revolve around growth, liberty, and the bittersweet nature of parental love

• Growth and Maturation : The poem beautifully portrays a milestone in the lives of both the child and the parent. Riding a bike symbolizes more than just a skill for the child; it represents their journey towards self-sufficiency and facing life’s challenges. As the daughter rides away, it signifies her transition from childhood to embracing life’s experiences, marking a moment of maturity and self-reliance. On the other hand, for the parent witnessing their child’s growth sparks their emotional evolution as they navigate between protecting their child and allowing them to explore and grow on their own terms.
• Independence and Letting Go : The poem explores a message about the balance between protecting a loved one and allowing them the free will to find their own path. It beautifully captures the parent’s transition from guiding their child as they learn to ride to eventually stepping back and letting them venture out on their own. This theme touches upon a mix of emotions, blending pride in the child’s achievements with concerns for their well-being and a touch of melancholy as they grow independent. The concept of independence portrayed in the poem resonates not only with parents and children but also with anyone who cares for another person, witnessing their journey towards self-sufficiency.
• Fear and Protection : When the daughter rides off, the parent is overwhelmed by worry: fear for the child’s safety, concern about potential injuries, or them going too far. This highlights the instinct to protect, which sometimes conflicts with the importance of allowing a child to explore, make mistakes, and learn from them. The parent’s anxiety feels genuine and relatable, emphasizing the complexities of parenthood: finding a balance between safeguarding without smothering and offering guidance without being too controlling.
• Joy and Melancholy in Parenthood : The poem beautifully captures the dual emotions of joy and sadness that accompany parenting. The parent feels joy seeing their daughter’s excitement and capability as she rides away, yet this is tinged with a deep sense of loss and nostalgic yearning. The portrayal of the daughter’s hair “flapping behind you like a handkerchief waving goodbye” prompts a powerful emotional response, highlighting the touching, often painful, aspects of watching a child grow up and away. This blend of emotions is a defining aspect of parenthood—the pride in one’s child’s accomplishments mixed with a longing for earlier days of closeness.

These topics come together to create a heartwarming story that resonates with everyone’s experiences of growth, change, and the deep feelings involved in love and saying goodbye. The poem not only explores the bond between a parent and child but also talks about bigger ideas like how life changes and time passes.

Structure and Form

The piece uses free verse to capture the deeply touching, vibrant moments of a child’s journey progressing to autonomy. The poem uses carefully chosen line breaks , clear descriptions, and a personal storytelling approach to explore important themes of development, worry, and parental love.

• Type : The poem is written in free verse, lacking strict metrical patterns or rhyme schemes , allowing for a natural flow of language that mirrors spontaneous moments in life.
• Rhyming : There is no consistent rhyme scheme in the poem, enhancing its natural, conversational tone and supporting the concept of life’s unpredictability. It does have some slant rhymes (e.g., “crash” and “catch”). The sporadic use of slant rhymes adds a subtle cohesion to the poem while maintaining its loose, free structure, reflecting the unpredictability and spontaneity of the daughter’s newfound independence.
• Line Breaks : Strategic placement of line breaks emphasizes emotions and actions, adding suspense and impact to moments like the child potentially crashing or gaining freedom.
• Rhythm : The poem largely avoids a regular meter , which complements its free verse structure. The rhythm is created more through natural speech patterns and the emotional ebb and flow of the narrative, rather than through a structured metric pattern.
• Visual and Sensory Details : The poem employs expressive imagery such as “loping along,” “wobbled away,” and “hair flapping behind you like a handkerchief waving goodbye,” which not only brings the scene to life but also symbolically represents ideas of growth and separation.
• Point of View : The poem is told from the first-person perspective of the parent, creating a deeply personal and reflective tone. This perspective invites readers into the intimate moments of fear, pride, and bittersweet joy that accompany watching a child grow up.
• Thematic Layers : The poem explores concepts of growth, self-rule, fear, and parental love, using the act of teaching a child to ride a bike as a metaphor for broader life experiences and emotional dynamics.
• Emotional Resonance : The tone of the poem fluctuates between nostalgic, anxious, and joyful, reflecting the complex emotions of parenting. The mood captures both the exhilaration of the child’s freedom and the heartfelt realization of inevitable separation.

Literary Devices

The poem uses different writing techniques like metaphor, intimate descriptions, and symbolism to enhance the portrayal of a child’s journey into independence.

• Metaphor : The entire poem can be seen as a journey, comparing teaching a child to ride a bike with the process of parenting and eventually allowing them to venture out on their own. Riding the bicycle symbolizes life’s journey and the essential step headed for self-reliance that every child must take.
• Imagery : Pastan employs descriptive language to engage the senses and evoke emotions. For instance, phrases such as “loping along,” “wobbled away,” and “hair flapping behind you like a handkerchief waving goodbye” create scenes that resonate emotionally. The depiction of hair billowing like a waving handkerchief does not just illustrate a child rushing off, but also signifies a departure, adding depth to the act of cycling.
• Simile : The comparison of the child’s hair to a “handkerchief waving goodbye” is a simile that powerfully captures the sense of parting and loss felt by the parent. This simile not only visualizes the physical act of the child moving away but also conveys the emotional experience of saying goodbye.
• Personification : The description of the bike ride subtly personifies the bike, portraying it as an instrument of liberty that guides the child on her path towards self-reliance, separating her from the parent.
• Repetition : The poem uses repetition effectively, particularly in the use of “pumping, pumping” which emphasizes the child’s effort and energy. This repetition reflects the intensity of the child’s actions and the emotional climax of the poem where the child fully embraces her emancipation.
• Symbolism : The bicycle itself is a powerful symbol in the poem. It represents freedom, growth, and the passage into a new phase of life. As the child masters the bicycle, she also masters her own ability to navigate the world independently, symbolizing her growth from dependency to autonomy.
• Tone : The tone of the poem is a mixture of nostalgia , anxiety, and joy. It shifts from a protective, almost fearful tone to one of reluctant acceptance and pride as the child gains liberation. This tonal shift mirrors the emotional progression of the parent as they come to terms with their changing role in their child’s life.

These literary devices combine, producing a richly textured and resonant piece that explores the complexities of parenting and the bittersweet nature of a child’s journey to liberty.

Yes, the poem can also be viewed metaphorically as addressing any form of caregiving or mentoring where letting go is a necessary part of the process, such as teachers with students or coaches with athletes.

Pastan often explores central ideas of family dynamics, everyday life, and the passage of time, focusing on the inner lives of domestic figures which is consistent with the intimate and reflective tone of this poem.

Understanding the late 20th-century focus on individualism and personal growth, especially in the context of women’s evolving roles in society, can add depth to the poem’s core concepts of independence and self-discovery.

Related Poetry

Here are a few related poems, each exploring similar aspects in its unique way:

• ‘ On Turning Ten ‘ by Billy Collins : This poem beautifully portrays the mix of emotions as one crosses the threshold from childhood to the cusp of adolescence. Collins paints a picture of a child’s imagination slowly fading away as they near the age of ten. The mood is wistful and sorrowful, reminiscing about the innocence of youth, much like how Pastan contemplates the distance between parent and child.
• ‘ The Writer ‘ by Richard Wilbur : The poem depicts a father listening to his daughter as she types a story in her room. He contemplates her challenges in conveying her thoughts through writing, likening her process to a voyage on a ship symbolizing her path towards self-awareness and adulthood. Similar to Pastan, Wilbur delves into the role of watching over and encouraging their child’s development and autonomy. ‘ Walking Away ‘ by Cecil Day-Lewis : The poem touches on a theme central to Pastan’s writing, focusing on a father reflecting on his son playing a football game and taking steps towards emancipation. It delves into the challenge of letting go, drawing comparisons to bike riding in Pastan’s poem, and is imbued with love and the poignant recognition of a child maturing. ‘ Mother to Son ‘ by Langston Hughes : This poem offers a perspective on the relationship between parents and children, focusing on life’s challenges and the parental guidance needed to overcome them. Hughes metaphorically compares life’s difficulties to a staircase, urging perseverance. It conveys a message from parent to child about the realities of life, mirroring the protective nature depicted in Pastan’s poem.

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Home — Essay Samples — Literature — Poetry — Growing Up and Growing Away: Linda Pastan’s “To a Daughter Leaving Home”

Growing Up and Growing Away: Linda Pastan’s "To a Daughter Leaving Home"

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Published: Jul 17, 2018

Words: 843 | Page: 1 | 5 min read

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7 Memoirs About Leaving Home

Reading Lists

Sarah fawn montgomery, author of "halfway from home," recommends books about searching for place, self, and belonging.

Leaving home is a rite of passage. Departure stories often celebrate our origins while heralding hope for the future. But for many, leaving home is an act of survival, an exodus that requires sacrifice and sorrow. It is a search for solace despite trauma, for safety despite harmful histories. Though leaving home is prompted by a search for our place, it is ultimately a search for ourself.

 My new book, Halfway from Home , is a lyric essay collection about leaving a chaotic home to chase restlessness and claiming places on the West Coast, Midwest, and East Coast all while determined never to settle. But it is also a collection about how difficult it is to move forward when you long for the past. With my family ravaged by addiction, illness, and poverty; the nation increasingly divided; and the natural world under siege by wildfire, tornados, and unrelenting storms, I turn to nostalgia to grieve a rapidly-changing world. From the tide pools and monarch groves of California, to the fossil beds and grass prairies of Nebraska, to the scrimshaw shops and tangled forests of Massachusetts, I examine contemporary longing and sorrow, searching for how to live meaningfully when our sense of self is uncertain in a fractured world, and how to build a home when human connection is disappearing.

The seven nonfiction books gathered here offer the stories of others who have left home in search of somewhere to belong. The writers share the struggles of departing the landscapes that define them and the families that raised them, as well as the challenges that come from trying to discover who you are in a place where you are a stranger. While some return, some move between landscapes, and some embrace new places entirely, the writers on this list reveal how we often must leave in order to discover home.

Crying in the Bathroom: A Memoir by Erika L. Sánchez

When Erika L. Sánchez leaves home as a senior in college in search of a life of her own, she willingly accepts the role of outsider. Her choice to pursue an unmarried life of education and writing is unprecedented in her Mexican immigrant family. Forging a solo path around the globe in a community where girls are not supposed to stray from their homes, Sanchez takes readers along for her story of what it means to grow up in the ’90s in Chicago as a melancholic misfit, a hilarious outsider whose sharp insights about the world lead to an award-winning writing career. The best creative expression, Sánchez writes, is born of narrative tension, and this collection juxtaposes raunchy humor with unapologetic honesty in essays about sex, comedy, white feminism, and mental illness. Sánchez explores what it means to live in contradiction, to belong everywhere and nowhere at once, to become your own home after spending a lifetime searching for your place.

Dog Flowers by Danielle Geller  

Danielle Geller inherits restlessness along with eight suitcases that contain the contents of her mother’s life. After her mother dies of alcohol withdrawal during an attempt to get sober, Geller begins to piece together the story of her mother’s life from what she leaves behind. Archiving her mother’s possessions—diaries, letters, photos, clothing, and other artifacts—Geller weaves images and text together in an innovative exploration of legacy and loss, given and chosen family, in an effort to understand her mother and herself. As Geller forges a life for herself, confronting her family’s troubled history and her role as caregiver, she is compelled back to her mother’s home on a Navajo reservation. Exploring matrilineal heritage, the delicate balance of sisterhood, and intergenerational trauma, Geller teaches readers how to honor the homes we have left in the past while showing us how to build a home and family for ourselves in the future. 

Engine Running by Cade Mason

Cade Mason’s debut essay collection is an innovative archive of stories and selves frozen in time, an exploration of whether home only exists after it is gone. Examining what it means to grow distanced from the people and place that raised you, Mason shares the story of his gradual separation from his religious West Texas home and fractured family. Mason travels through endless roads and dusty farms, weaving childhood stories with family secrets in order to piece together the story of how his family fell apart—his father struggling to forget the past in the aftermath of divorce, his mother eager to move on to her future, his sister caught up in the chaos. This is a story of queerness in the rural South, of the myths of manhood, and of the end of a marriage, a family, and a home. Mason teaches readers what it means to love a place that you must also leave in order to live. 

Somebody’s Daughter by Ashley C. Ford

Leaving home seems to be the only way Ashley C. Ford can escape poverty, a challenging relationship with her mother, and the isolation that comes from a lifetime of missing her father, who is incarcerated for reasons she does not know. Growing up poor and Black in Indiana, Ford spends much of her childhood worrying about safety and much of her adolescence being told her developing body is a danger. As she struggles to find connection, she dreams of a day she will finally feel sheltered in her brain and body and hopefully find unconditional love. After a relationship turns violent, Ford learns the truth about her father’s incarceration, and must reconcile her sense of safety with her shame. Leaving her family in pursuit of a life that feels like her own, Ford begins a journey to discover a body and home that feel safe, and to find out who she is outside of her fragmented familial history despite the many ways they will always be connected.

I Came All This Way to Meet You: Writing Myself Home by Jami Attenberg

The daughter of a traveling salesman, Jami Attenberg inherits wanderlust, dedicating herself to a life on the road in the pursuit of her art. Restlessness drives her search, as she chases inspiration and experience, leading her on self-funded book tours and artistic endeavors across America and eventually around the world. Along the way she encounters artists, lovers, and friends, questioning her craft and how to build a career creating art, uncovering ideas, and understanding herself. Ultimately, it is leaving home in the pursuit of rootlessness that allows Attenberg to discover her artistry and individuality, trusting her vision and herself enough to finally claim a life and build a home.

When They Tell You to Be Good by Prince Shakur

Growing up during the early aughts in Ohio as the son of Jamaican immigrants, Prince Shakur grapples with the violent murders of several men in his family, his family’s homophobia, and the complexities of the Afro-Caribbean diaspora. Leaving home for college is just the start of Shakur’s travels—throughout the book, he journeys from France to the Philippines, South Korea to Costa Rica, coming of age as a radicalized millennial to participate in movements like Black Lives Matter and Standing Rock. As Shakur confronts what it means to be young, Black, and queer in this country, he questions life in Obama and Trump’s America, urging readers to do the same as we consider the political landscape we still have the power to shape. Though a memoir of leaving home, Shakur’s search to confront his identity, his family’s immigration, and the intergenerational impact of colonial violence ultimately leads him home to his power, his passion, and his next radical pursuits.

  Dirtbag, Massachusetts: A Confessional   by Isaac Fitzgerald 

Leaving home defines Isaac Fitzgerald’s life and this memoir-in-essays. After his birth ends his parents’ marriages to other people, Fitzgerald leaves Boston for small town Massachusetts, his childhood defined by a sad mother and an absent father, a family dynamic of loneliness and depression, anger and disconnection. Later he leaves for boarding school, for the West Coast, for another country in search of a life away from the trauma he knew as a child. He leads many lives—altar boy, bartender, biker, smuggler—on his search for family and forgiveness, for a way to understand and accept himself. Combining gritty honesty about a violent childhood, a lifelong struggle with body image, and toxic masculinity, with humor and unabashed reflection, Fitzgerald leads the way for readers to open their hearts. While this is a story about leaving, about learning to love places and people that did not raise you, it is also about offering compassion, generosity, and forgiveness to others in order to come home to yourself. 

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“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” -Pema Chodron

Seven years ago, I packed everything I owned into my little red Honda Civic and sold, gave away, or tossed whatever didn’t fit. I was 24 years old and I was on my way from Florida to Los Angeles to pursue the American Dream.

I was consumed with swirls of intense emotions—anxieties, excitement, fear, and joy, all mixing together in one little body. I was crossing the country on a new adventure, filled with hopes and dreams, seeking something I could not define or put into words.

These past seven years in Los Angeles have transformed me. I landed there so young, so innocent, and so lost, yet somehow I gained a sense of self that I never thought I would.

None of us gets a roadmap to inner peace and joy, but I’ve made one as I’ve gone. It hasn’t included fast or easy routes, but the journey has definitely been interesting so far.

When I headed to Los Angeles, I had Hollywood stars in my eyes. I was pretty certain I was supposed to be a famous actress, and I thought that would bring me happiness and clarity.

As I worked with various teachers at several acting schools, trying on different roles and character traits, I learned a lot about myself. I eventually realized that I wasn’t really interested in pursuing acting. I didn’t want to be authentic on stage; I wanted to create an authentic life. I wasn’t trying to step into a character. I was trying to step into myself.

I wanted to find my voice—to live on purpose and do something that made me feel passionate. I felt I had something to say, something to share, something within me that was asking for a fair shot at being expressed.

Acting played a huge role in my personal development in that it led me to understand what I really wanted. It taught me that to play a role, I must first know myself. It was the beginning of learning to live my life in alignment with my highest purpose and self.

Sometimes, what we think we are being called to do changes. Our intuitive feelings will guide us in a particular direction, but then we have to stay open in order to recognize when it’s time to redefine who we are and what we want. We need to remember that it’s okay to change direction if that’s where our intuition is pointing.

When we let go of outcomes about how things are “supposed to” unfold, we better allow ourselves to create a life filled with purpose and meaning.

It won’t always seem easy or fun. As we navigate our way, all the internal barriers that keep us stuck in inauthentic patterns will surface and confront us. This is when the healing truly begins.

I struggled with addictions, fear, self-doubt, shame, and lack of self-love and self-respect. I mourned the part of me that felt like it was dying, while clinging to the hope of a better life.

I found a life coach and read countless books on spirituality and personal development. The more I committed to my own healing and revealing process, the more support showed up for me. Answers found me. Love found me. I found me.

After a couple of years, my coach recommended I start a blog. I wanted to use my experiences to help other people, but I didn‘t know how or where to begin.

Then, about eight months later, I reconnected with a long-time friend and former personal training client. She was also going through a rough place in her life. I was lying in bed one morning, immobile with a toxic hangover, completely depressed and hopeless, when a text came through. It read:

“I need a trainer, and you need a blog. How about we trade?”

She and I laugh now because she was on her couch, in the same dark state; and a greater power brought us back together to heal. It was divine intervention. It was the start of a beautiful partnership. It was the start of a far more authentic path.

I have committed to remaining conscious of my stories and perceptions in every moment, to be sure that my thinking remains in alignment with who I want to be in the world and how I want to show up for myself and others.

Some days I find it easy to shift my thinking , and other days are more challenging. I am learning to be gentle with myself through all of it. I remind myself that none of us can do this alone, so I reach out for help when I am struggling.

I no longer reach for drugs and alcohol to save me. I now walk though my fears, follow my intuition , and stay in my authentic power. I still have challenging moments, but I know that even though I am a work in progress, I can still feel complete, happy, and at peace with being me.

I am now a Life and Health Coach, as well as a Metaphysical Fitness trainer, and a writer. These are all outlets for me to express my most authentic self. I found them as I learned more about what really matters to me.

When we commit to our own personal development, and choose to live with purpose, passion, peace, love, compassion, and self-acceptance, the support we need shows up. We just have to be willing to recognize and accept it.

On May 3 rd of this year, my intuition led to another big change: I chose to move from Los Angeles, California to Sydney, Australia.

Just like I traveled across the country, seeking something I could not define, I have now traveled across the world, seeking opportunities to share everything I have found within me.

It’s always scary to make a big move or a big change, especially when you realize you don’t have everything figured out. It’s an out-of-control feeling—but the only way to figure it out is to get going and follow your instincts. If you’re having trouble doing that, remember:

Nothing ever goes the way you plan it to, or think you want it to, and nothing ever looks the way you think it should.

If you can let go of outcomes, and accept things as they show up, you will gain a sense of freedom . You may also be surprised to see that things work out better than you could have planned.

Letting go of old “stuff” makes room for new possibilities.

If you are loaded up with physical, emotional, and mental “stuff,” there is no room for something new and better. Practice letting go of one thing today—maybe it’s an old idea, an old story, a piece of clothing, or an unhealthy relationship. Allow yourself to process all the feelings and fears that come up as a result.

Remember, when you hold on tightly, you declare that you are incapable of manifesting something equal or better.

You can enjoy life more when you open up to joy in the journey.

Laugh at the things that go “wrong.” Make a game out of it, and have fun at practicing just how flexible you can be. Surrender to the process, and open up to joy, peace, love, acceptance, and freedom.

You don’t need to know exactly where you’re headed to trust things will work out .

If you have done everything in your power to get things to go your way, and they still aren’t working out, maybe it’s time to surrender. Allow what is currently showing up to be what it is. As we accept our circumstances, our circumstances begin change.

Photo by Satish Viswanath

About Erin Lanahan

Erin is an Internationally Certified Life Coach, Yoga Instructor, and Motivational Writer and Speaker. Her mission is to inspire as many people as possible to return to their natural state of peace, abundance, health, inspiration & love so they may create the life the deeply desire. Visit her  blog  and   You Tube Page .

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Essay: Leaving Home

It began with me sleeping overnight at my grandparents’ house. They lived close by, so it didn’t feel like being away, or not very far away. The next step was sleeping overnight at my best friend’s. Everything about Bonnie’s house was different:  late bedtime, unlimited candy, noisy furnace. 

Then there was summer camp which was two weeks of sleeping on a metal bunk in a cabin with eleven other girls. I was homesick, but I also had a glimpse of freedom. And when I left for college, I was finally living away from home—with all the new people and experiences and choices.

After graduation, I took a job on the East Coast, then moved to the West Coast. But whenever I was lonely, I could go home to Mom and Dad. Even after I was married, we went “home for the holidays” to my parents’ house. 

They were always there until suddenly they were gone, my mother dying when I was 31 and my father ten years later. Looking back, I see how I was always preparing to leave my parents, never preparing to have them leave me.  

If they were here, they’d probably say, “That’s how it’s supposed to be.”

But they’re gone.

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To a Daughter Leaving Home Summary & Analysis by Linda Pastan

• Line-by-Line Explanation & Analysis
• Poetic Devices
• Vocabulary & References
• Form, Meter, & Rhyme Scheme
• Line-by-Line Explanations

The American poet Linda Pastan published "To a Daughter Leaving Home" in her 1998 collection Carnival Evening . The poem is addressed to the speaker's daughter and recounts a memory in which the speaker teaches the daughter how to ride a bike. At first, the daughter tries to find her balance while the speaker remains by her side. Soon enough, though, the daughter zooms away, terrifying the speaker in the process. The speaker quickly sees how happy and thrilled the daughter is to be riding a bike on her own, however, and in this way the poem spotlights both the anxieties and joys of parenthood.

• Read the full text of “To a Daughter Leaving Home”

The Full Text of “To a Daughter Leaving Home”

“to a daughter leaving home” summary, “to a daughter leaving home” themes.

Parenting and Letting Go

Line-by-line explanation & analysis of “to a daughter leaving home”.

When I taught ... ... you wobbled away

on two round ... ... of the park,

Lines 11-14

I kept waiting ... ... to catch up,

Lines 15-19

while you grew ... ... for your life,

Lines 19-24

screaming ... ... goodbye.

“To a Daughter Leaving Home” Poetic Devices & Figurative Language

• Line 3: “bicycle, loping”
• Line 16: “smaller, more”
• Line 18: “pumping, pumping”
• Line 19: “life, screaming”
• Line 3: “bicycle,” “loping,” “along”
• Line 4: “beside”
• Line 5: “wobbled,” “away”
• Line 6: “wheels”
• Line 8: “surprise,” “pulled”
• Line 9: “ahead,” “down,” “curved”
• Line 10: “path,” “park”
• Line 11: “kept”
• Line 13: “crash”
• Line 14: “sprinted,” “catch,” “up”
• Line 16: “smaller,” “more,” “breakable”
• Line 17: “distance”
• Line 18: “pumping,” “pumping”
• Line 19: “for,” “your,” “life,” “screaming”
• Line 20: “laughter”
• Line 21: “hair,” “flapping”
• Line 22: “behind”
• Line 23: “handkerchief”
• Lines 1-2: “you / at”
• Lines 2-3: “ride / a”
• Lines 3-4: “along / beside”
• Lines 4-5: “you / as”
• Lines 5-6: “away / on”
• Lines 7-8: “rounding / in”
• Lines 8-9: “pulled / ahead”
• Lines 9-10: “curved / path”
• Lines 11-12: “waiting / for”
• Lines 12-13: “thud / of”
• Lines 13-14: “I / sprinted”
• Lines 15-16: “grew / smaller”
• Lines 16-17: “breakable / with”
• Lines 18-19: “pumping / for”
• Lines 19-20: “screaming / with”
• Lines 21-22: “flapping / behind”
• Lines 22-23: “a / handkerchief”
• Lines 23-24: “waving / goodbye”
• Line 6: “round”
• Line 7: “rounding”
• Lines 21-24: “the hair flapping / behind you like a / handkerchief waving / goodbye.”

“To a Daughter Leaving Home” Vocabulary

Select any word below to get its definition in the context of the poem. The words are listed in the order in which they appear in the poem.

• (Location in poem: Line 3: “loping along”)

Form, Meter, & Rhyme Scheme of “To a Daughter Leaving Home”

Rhyme scheme, “to a daughter leaving home” speaker, “to a daughter leaving home” setting, literary and historical context of “to a daughter leaving home”, more “to a daughter leaving home” resources, external resources.

The Poet Reads Her Work — Listen to Linda Pastan herself read several of her most popular poems.

In Conversation — To hear more about Pastan's approach to poetry, check out to this conversation between her and the poet Lucille Clifton.

The Poem Out Loud — Check out this reading of the poem.

More About Pastan — To learn more about Linda Pastan, take a look at this concise overview of her life and work.

The Poet at Home — A window into Pastan's enviable home, where she lived and wrote until 2018.

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Essays on leaving home

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Life After Leaving Home: How to Thrive on Your Own

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W hen I think about leaving home for the first time, I have a specific memory in mind.

I was heading off to my first year of college, standing on the edge of Boston Common on a particularly sunny and cool late-August morning. I’d just hugged my parents goodbye and turned around to wave at them, catching a glimpse of them both sniffling. 

If my parents were feeling conflicting emotions at that moment, it was nothing compared to what I was going through. I was excited and terrified in equal parts. I felt like a bird who’d just leaped out of the nest and had to start flapping, or else… SPLAT. 

You’ll go through something like this at some point, too, though your leap from the nest may look very different. 

Perhaps you left your childhood home at a younger age or graduated from high school and stuck around for a while. Maybe your first move away from home was to college or to an apartment in a city (or another country altogether). 

Whatever it looks like, it can be a tough transition. There will be awkward stumbles, moments of exhilarating adventure, and tough lessons you aren’t expecting.

But, there are some things you can do as you’re preparing (or just after) you’ve left home for the first time to make this transition easier. 

Here are some of my best suggestions from a bird who’s taken the leap and learned how to fly (pretty well, anyway).

College isn’t the only option

I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination. —Jimmy Dean, singer and entrepreneur

Going to college is kind of like a half-step to adulthood. You have much more freedom and independence, but you’re still in a relatively safe and supportive environment. 

You have access to resources like professors, counselors, and peer groups, and you can  experiment with different classes and activities without too many consequences. If you’ve signed up for room and board, then your housing and food are all taken care of as well. 

But college isn’t for everyone, and it’s not the only option. There are plenty of alternatives to college that can lead to a fulfilling and successful life. Maybe you want to go straight into the workforce, or maybe you want to travel and explore the world. Maybe you want to start your own business or pursue a creative passion .

Whatever path you choose, it’s important to remember that there’s no one “right” way to do things. You don’t have to follow the same path as your friends or parents. You can carve your own path based on your own interests, passions, and goals.

Resources: 

Invest in your friendships now

Making friends as an adult is just as nerve-wracking as it was in school. Rejection still stings. And no matter how cool or successful you are, you still want people to like you. —Rachel Bertsche, author and journalist

Take it from an old man in his thirties: Making friends as an adult gets harder as you get older. 

In your 20s, you’re surrounded by people going through similar experiences, whether that’s college, a first job, or a new city. You have opportunities to meet new people through work, classes, clubs, and social events.

But as you get older, people start to settle into relationships, have kids, and move away. It gets harder to make new friends, and the friendships you do have require more effort to maintain. 

That’s why it’s so important to invest in your friendships now so your besties will stick around. Of course, you will naturally lose touch with some of the friends you make in your 20s. But being a good friend to your social circle now means those who vibe with you will still be there when you’re older, no matter how your lives change.

What exactly does it mean to be a good friend? Be there for them when they need someone to talk to, be honest with your own feelings, and be mindful of their needs and wants. Make time for them (even when you’re busy), and be thoughtful. And when you inevitably have those challenging moments in your friendship, persevere, apologize , and make the relationship stronger as a result. 

Use this time to experiment with who you are

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. —Judy Garland, actress and singer

There is no better time for experimentation than your early twenties. But before I dig into that, let me give a huge caveat: 

Experimenting and trying new things is all well and good, as long as you do everything with love and respect for yourself and others involved. This means keeping yourself and those you encounter safe from harm as best you can—that’s your responsibility as an adult and a human on this earth. 

If we’re clear, then please take my advice and experiment like a mad scientist after leaving home. 

Try new hobbies.

Interact with people from different backgrounds and age groups. 

Eat weird foods. 

Sample different career opportunities.  

Explore the world around you (as much as your budget allows). 

Every time you try something new , you’re giving yourself the chance to discover a passion you never knew you had or learn something new about yourself.

And that will go a long way toward preventing a quarter-life crisis, which can sneak up on you when you get into your twenties and begin to wonder who you are and what your purpose is in life . 

I promise you, experimenting now will make a quarter-life crisis much easier to avoid. You’ll learn what you like, what you don’t like, and what you want—and it will guide you through this decade toward a life that brings you joy. But only if you can shake off your fear and walk new paths. 

Lean into being a grown-up sooner rather than later

In youth we learn; in age we understand. —Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach, psychological novelist

I’m a firm believer that adults who stay playful and maintain a sense of humor as they get older live happier lives. 

But you can still maintain your sparkle and learn how to adult at the same time. Leaning into the intimidating (and often boring) parts of adulthood may not feel natural at first. But the sooner you start doing it, the easier and faster you’ll progress in this stage of your life. 

Leaving home requires a big change in your mindset. You’re not living at home anymore, and even if it’s not always fun, you need to learn how to take care of yourself. You can get ahead of your peers if you actively start building skills like cooking healthy and delicious meals, keeping your space clean, paying bills, and hunting for jobs. 

Get good at these things so you can focus your energy sooner on the more fun parts of thriving on your own. 

Unlock the power of patience

Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. —Aristotle, philosopher

Patience is one of the hardest things to master in your twenties, but it’s SO important. This is because so much of your twenties is about laying the groundwork for what’s to come. 

Whether you’re trying to climb the ladder at your company or start your own business , there will be setbacks and challenges along the way. If you can remain patient and stay focused on your goals, you’ll be more likely to succeed. 

Patience also helps you master the power of active listening , which is key to building stronger relationships with friends, colleagues, and family. 

In a similar vein, patient people who are easygoing tend to be more flexible, adaptable, and open-minded. They’re able to go with the flow and adjust to changing circumstances. This can be particularly useful in the workplace, where priorities and projects can shift quickly. 

Of course, being patient and easygoing doesn’t mean you should let others take advantage of you or that you should never speak up for yourself . It simply means that you approach situations with a calm, relaxed demeanor and a willingness to adapt and adjust as needed. 

Budget your money, even if you don’t have much right now

The goal isn’t more money. The goal is living life on your terms. —Chris Brogan, author and marketing consultant

As someone who worked throughout college , I empathize with the cashflow struggles that many people face shortly after leaving home. For years, my bank account hovered around zero, and a lot of stress and anxiety came with that. 

But looking back, I have one huge regret: My anxiety about money made me not think about money. I ignored my finances altogether instead of coming up with a sustainable strategy for budgeting in college . 

Fortunately, I eventually overcame my finance-phobia, but delaying it for so many years makes me cringe. What would my financial situation be like now if I’d had more courage to think about money earlier on? 

Don’t make the same mistake. Use this budget template for starters, and check out the other resources as well.

Work on developing some of these valuable soft skills

Soft skills get little respect but they will make or break your career. —Peggy Klaus, author and leadership expert

As you build your career path, you’ll naturally pick up skills for your job through school, training, or work experience. However, there are essential soft skills that can increase your value as an employee and help you land a higher-paying role. 

The soft skills list is too long to go into here, but some that may require extra focus (for someone who has just left the home) include learning how to negotiate , how to set boundaries , how to communicate and interpret others’ meanings , and how to manage your time effectively.

Though you will learn many of these soft skills naturally throughout your life, you can speed things up by researching them (see resources below), seeking feedback from your colleagues and supervisors, taking on new responsibilities, or completing training courses or seminars—you get the idea.

Above all else, treat yourself with gentle respect

Self-care is not a waste of time. Self-care makes your use of time more sustainable. —Jackie Viramontez, author and relationship expert

My final tip is perhaps the most important because, without it, you won’t be able to achieve anything else on this list. 

Throughout your life, but especially in moments of transition like the one you’re in now, it’s crucial to be kind to yourself. Love yourself first so you can keep moving forward without burning out or harming yourself. Focus on progress, not perfection , and remember that mistakes and setbacks are a natural part of the learning process.

Learn how to practice mindfulness so that you can find the calm space to reflect on your path and choices—this is vital to growing up and maintaining peace. 

Be kind and gentle to yourself and take the time you need to spread your wings and start soaring. 

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Leaving home... a teenage dilemma.

Section 1      Background .

     THE TEENAGE DREAM

HOME OR HOMELESS?

Three teenagers' stories, away to school, student worksheet, home or homeless.

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