should couples live together before marriage essay

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Should Couples Live Together Before Marriage

Table of contents, the case for living together before marriage, concerns and counterarguments, alternative approaches: pre-marital counseling, striking a balance.

• Booth, A., Johnson, D. R., White, L. K., & Edwards, J. N. (1985). Divorce and Marital Instability over the Life Course. Journal of Family Issues, 6(4), 451-482.
• Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2010). Should I stay or should I go? Predicting dating relationship stability from four aspects of commitment. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(5), 543-550.
• Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2006). Sliding versus Deciding: Inertia and the Premarital Cohabitation Effect. Family Relations, 55(4), 499-509.
• Wallerstein, J. S., & Lewis, J. M. (2004). The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study. Hyperion.
• Whitehead, B. D., & Popenoe, D. (2002). Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need to Know about Cohabitation before Marriage. National Marriage Project.

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Living Together Before Marriage

Here's what to consider before moving in together

Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.

Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and a professor at Yeshiva University’s clinical psychology doctoral program.

Verywell / Theresa Chiechi

• Reasons Couples Live Together
• Factors to Consider
• Potential Effects
• Pros and Cons

Living together before marriage was once considered taboo; however, it has become more common and accepted over time. If you’ve been seeing your partner and things are going well, moving in together may cross your mind.

Moving in with your partner is a significant step because it marks a major progression in the relationship, says Sabrina Romanoff , PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University in New York City.

At a Glance

Living together before marriage is common for many couples, but there are important pros and cons to consider. Cohabitating can help you get to know one another more and figure out if you are truly compatible, but moving in together for the wrong reasons can lead to bigger problems down the road. Keep reading to learn more about some factors to consider while deciding whether to live with your partner before marriage and some potential advantages and disadvantages of this arrangement.

Reasons for Living Together Before Marriage

There are a variety of reasons why people opt to live together before they decide to make a long-term commitment. Research has found that the primary reasons couples choose to live together are to spend more time together, to share expenses, and to evaluate their compatibility.

For many couples, it's a great way to see if they are truly compatible before deciding if marriage is the right choice for them. Co-habitating offers many insights into a person's habits, personality, and behavior. Sharing a space allows couples to truly get to know one another in a way that they might not if they lived separately.

But cohabitation isn't just about playing house or deepening the relationship—it's an economic necessity for many people. High living expenses mean that many adults must have one or more roommates to split expenses. For many, it makes sense to take that step with the person they are dating.

Research has found that around half of cohabitating couples end up separating. Economic factors appear to play a deciding role in whether couples who live together end up walking down the aisle. Simply put, wealthier couples are more like to wed.  

Living together before marriage may help you save money as a couple, offering greater financial stability and increasing your shared resources. While it might not be particularly romantic, research suggests that this factor alone may increase the likelihood of marriage.

However, moving in together because of economic pressure might mean that neither of you is as committed to the relationship as you might be if you take this step based on desire.

Factors to Consider Before Living Together

Below, Romanoff lists some of the factors to consider while deciding whether to live with your partner before marriage.

Your Reasons for Wanting to Live Together

The first factor to consider is your motivation for moving in with your partner. Partners who move in out of financial convenience or to test their relationship may be less satisfied with their decision in the long run and in turn, may not end up getting married.

This is in contrast to couples who decide to move in together out of their genuine desire to spend more time together and deliberately fuse their lives. You should want to learn more about your partner and progress your relationship.

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

Remember the importance of choosing your partner because you want to be with them, and don’t let your decisions be made out of fear or convenience.

Your Age and Stage of Life

Age and stage of life are other important considerations. It can be helpful to give each other space to live alone or with friends before taking this step, so that each partner is able to experience a range of independent and peer living situations before committing to living with each other.

Once people have experienced these varied living arrangements, they tend to appreciate their partners and don’t feel as if they are missing out on experiences their peers are having.

Your Conversations With Your Partner

It’s important to make the deliberate decision to move in together instead of casually easing into cohabitation. Sliding into cohabitation can be risky because it bypasses important decisions and conversations that will cause more problems down the road.

For instance, you may slowly start to spend more time at one of your homes and think it makes sense to move in together out of convenience or financial incentive. You may then consider marriage because you’ve lived together for so long, already invested so much time into your partner, and think you might not be able to find someone else at this point in your life.

Instead, it is important to consciously decide to move in together and have conversations with your partner about financial arrangements, who will be responsible for maintaining what, and how space will be allocated to incorporate both people’s values and beliefs.

Implications of Living Together Before Marriage

Moving in with your partner can have significant implications for your relationship. Romanoff outlines some of these below.

Increased Commitment

Before you move in, there are more opportunities for refuge. If you have a fight, are annoyed, or are frustrated with each other, you can always return to your own space .

Moving in means committing to the good and bad in each other and in your relationship. You each are committing to show up and stay together on the good as well as the bad days.

Increased Investment

Moving in together means that you are investing in the relationship in a more substantial way. The next progressive step after moving in is usually a more formal commitment like marriage or alternatively, if things do not work out, a breakup.

Breakups after moving in together are significantly more complicated because you must separate your lives, which tend to become blended in elaborate ways.

Increased Trust

Living together also means that you’re pledging to show each other the parts of yourself that may have remained hidden up until this part of your relationship. You risk vulnerability and exposing all of your little rituals or quirky habits.

You have to trust your partner and make this commitment with the confidence that your relationship will not only survive but will become stronger after knowing these parts of each other.

Pros and Cons of Living Together Before Marriage

Romanoff shares some of the advantages and disadvantages that people commonly experience when they decide to live together before marriage.

You get to know each other better

It can deepen your relationship

It can be a sign of commitment

Feel more confident in your decision to get married

May decrease commitment to marriage

Can lead to staying together even if you're not compatible

You might feel you wasted your time if you break up

It may be harder to move on after a break up

Advantages of Living Together Before Marriage

The advantage of living together before marriage is the opportunity to learn how you would navigate a life together without the internal and external pressure that comes with marriage.

For many, marriage signifies a commitment that cannot be easily undone. The weight of that commitment, especially from family members or friends, can skew problems or conflicts that may arise in a relationship.

Living together may also help boost health and well-being. Research has long shown that marriage provides many health benefits, and evidence also suggests that living together can confer many of these same benefits.

The benefit of living together pre-marriage is that you can learn more about each other, strengthen your joint ability to problem-solve , and reinforce your relationship and ability to navigate stressors , which can instill more confidence in your decision to get married .

Disadvantages of Living Together Before Marriage

The downside of living together before marriage relates to the tendency for some couples to make less of a commitment to each other or feel less content with their arrangement.

Individuals who decide to cohabitate may have different expectations than their partners about the move. It can lead to challenges if one partner has more unconventional ideas about marriage and might grow complacent in this arrangement, whereas the other partner might expect marriage to follow this step.

It is important to consider the meaning of the move to each partner, especially if this move is motivated as a way to postpone making a commitment for one partner. And that meaning should be communicated to and by each partner as well.

Additionally, standards for cohabitating with a partner are usually lower than standards people have for marriage, which could cause some people to regret the time and energy spent on cohabitating if it does not ultimately lead to marriage.

Keep in Mind

If you and your partner have been going steady and you’re starting to think about living together before marriage, you should be sure of your motivations before you move in. You should genuinely want to spend more time with your partner and learn more about them while being open to exposing yourself to them.

It’s also important to discuss finances , responsibilities, expectations for the future, and other important aspects of your relationship with your partner before you move in so you’re both on the same page before you make this commitment.

Pew Research Center’s Social and Demographic Trends Project. Views on marriage and cohabitation in the U.S .

Huang PM, Smock PJ, Manning WD, Bergstrom-Lynch CA. He says, she says: Gender and cohabitation .  J Fam Issues . 2011;32(7):876-905. doi:10.1177/0192513X10397601

Ishizuka P. The economic foundations of cohabiting couples’ union transitions . Demography . 2018;55(2):535-557. doi:10.1007/s13524-018-0651-1

Perelli-Harris B, Hoherz S, Addo F, et al. Do marriage and cohabitation provide benefits to health in mid-life? The role of childhood selection mechanisms and partnership characteristics across countries .  Popul Res Policy Rev . 2018;37(5):703-728. doi:10.1007/s11113-018-9467-3

By Sanjana Gupta Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.

Should You Live Together Before Marriage? Real Talk From Experts

Say hello to your new roomie.

But that doesn’t mean it’s for everyone. As with most relationship issues, when it comes to deciding whether you should cohabitate before marriage, it all depends on the individuals involved. So to help you weigh the pros and cons, I chatted with two relationship experts. Here’s what to know.

Living together before marriage definitely comes with some advantages.

“Going from living on your own terms to sharing a place with someone can be simultaneously fun and extraordinarily challenging,” says Logan Levkoff, Ph.D., a sex and relationships expert in NYC. “Sharing a space can bring up a lot of issues and put your relationship to the test: You get a crash course in cooperation, negotiation, your ability to put someone's needs and tastes above or equal to your own. These are all relationship experiences that you should have prior to getting married.”

Megan Fleming, Ph.D., an NYC-based sex and relationship therapist, agrees, adding that living with someone and spending nearly 24/7 with them means you'll have a chance to really, truly see their priorities and values, as well as how those line up with yours . It’s like a practice run for what your everyday life might be like if you do decide to get married down the road.

Another important point it brings up: how you align on the topic of sex. “It gives you a sense of how attuned you are to each others’ sexual needs , in terms of both frequency and quality,” Fleming says. “Sex is a small part of a relationship when it’s going well. When it’s not going well, it’s a big part of a relationship.”

One study also shows that people who cohabitated with their S.O. self-reported higher physical and mental health than those who didn’t live with their lover (married couples also reported higher health) . So check off the box for cohabitors being happier with their bodies and mind, too.

What are the disadvantages of living together before marriage?

Levkoff doesn't list any major cons to cohabitating with your partner pre-marriage—she’s a big proponent. But Fleming mentions that marriage usually means more of a commitment than living together, which likely translates to people putting in more of an effort with that level of loyalty compared to simply sharing a shelter.

On the other hand, when you’re dating and you do start to intertwine your lives by moving in together, it’s more difficult to break it off if you need to, Fleming says. This could be one of the reasons research shows that although living with your partner before marriage leads to more success in the first year, down the line, it can actually increase the risk of divorce .

Researchers aren’t sure why this is, but Fleming says it could be that after you move in together, you may realize it’s too tough to cut ties, so you get married instead. Years later, you might decide it’s not for you and bam, divorce . So the key to avoiding divorce down the line could be figuring out your level of commitment to the relationship even before you share a front door.

Fleming also says this research could be outdated, particularly since it’s more acceptable nowadays to live with your partner before marriage than it was years ago (although the research was published in 2018, it's based on data from 1970 to 2015). So many factors play into these divorce rates, too—including age, religion, whether it’s your first marriage, whether you lived with someone before, and so on.

And to top off the confusion on the science, the research looks at the success of a marriage as simply staying together, when of course what really matters is happiness in the marriage , Fleming says.

“Statistics can be helpful in some ways, but really, you have to know yourself,” says Fleming. “Relationships are an effort, so you have to work at it,” whether you’re living together sans rings or married.

Is there anything else I should know before deciding to live with my partner?

Well, you might want to have a convo about why each of you wants to move in together, Levkoff says.

“ It's always important to know if you are on the same page ," she adds. "And if you are not, at least you can manage your own expectations accordingly."

Bring up the convo as soon as you feel ready and you’re up for the discussion. It doesn’t necessarily matter how long you’ve been together (though, LBH, month one seems a little early)—just as long as you feel ready to talk about it. You can also make it super-casual, asking things like, “Have you ever lived with someone?” or “Have you ever wanted to live with someone?” These Qs will at least start the discussion.

Keep in mind, you likely want to consider living together a true commitment—a pledge from both parties that you’re in this relationship and ready to work on it—rather than a convenience, says Fleming. In other words, don’t let your bank account drive your decision to cohabitate . “It’s more important to make your decision based on your partner, rather than rent,” Fleming says.

You might also want to chat about a few things before you sign that lease, like your individual expectations of a shared living space—things like who might need more alone time or privacy (say, if you’re an introvert and your partner is not), as well as cleanliness (a common source of tension).

The goal for these discussions: Figure out your non-negotiables—what you can deal with on the daily, and what might lead to a break up , says Fleming.

Ask yourself, “What do I want from my partner and my life?” And then talk to your partner about your answer to figure out if you envision your futures playing out similarly. “You want to help each other grow as a couple, but also as individuals,” Fleming adds. To do that, you need to devote more time and energy to making things work, rather than just moving in together on a whim and seeing how things go.

So, should you live together before marriage?

Ultimately, experts say you and your partner should just do you, because everyone is different.

Just remember: A shared roof may not take the place of a marriage license, says Levkoff. “Moving in shouldn't be a replacement for marriage, if marriage is what you want. It should be a stepping stone,” she explains. That means if someone is saying yes to living together just to put off marriage talks, that doesn’t necessarily bode well for the future. So talk about it.

Moving in with someone, especially if you both have hopes of getting married, is all about blending your lives and bringing together things you both enjoy—creating a “couple identity,” as Levkoff says. So just make sure everyone is on the same page about what the next step means, before you sign the housing papers .

Mallory Creveling, an ACE-certified personal trainer and RRCA-certified run coach, joined the Runner's World and Bicycling team in August 2021. She has more than a decade of experience covering fitness, health, and nutrition. As a freelance writer, her work appeared in Women's Health, Self, Men's Journal, Reader's Digest, and more. She has also held staff editorial positions at Family Circle and Shape magazines, as well as DailyBurn.com . A former New Yorker/Brooklynite, she's now based in Easton, PA.

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Cohabitation Before Marriage Essay

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Cohabitation in marriage is a situation where two people decide to live together before they are legally married. This situation is most prevalent commonly in young people who want to escape the pressures of everyday life. This arrangement has got its own merits and demerits. In most cases, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. This condition is not only applicable to young people but also to elder people who, in one way or the other, find themselves in a situation where they have to compromise. This situation has been compounded by the fact that we live in a society where moral values have become a thing of the past. Cohabiting before marriage is also called come we stay. Many people prefer this to legal marriage, but I beg to differ. (Kamp ,2003)

One of the many disadvantages of cohabiting is that in this condition, you are never sure of your partner’s next move. This is due to the fact that there is no binding bond between the two of you. In an ordinary marriage setting, the legal aspects of the marriage are well taken care of in such a way that if anything happened to one of the partners, then there would be no scenarios that would make the other partner miserable. There has been situations where when one partner dies there arise disputes about custody. This is more so, especially where the husband passes away without having left behind a legal document to prove that the woman he was living with was his rightful wife. (Stanley, 2004)

Another disadvantage for cohabiting is that you don’t feel that you have ownership of your partner. In many societies before marriage, you have to pay dowry. This makes you to be recognized by every side of the families unlike the come we stay scenario where in most cases no one knows that you are even staying together. In rare cases this has led to some cases where people have been known to be killed by their partners and legal action couldn’t be taken since no one knew that they were living together at the time. (Kamp ,2003)

There are many other disadvantages for cohabiting before marriage, but the other major one I would like to highlight is the cause of broken families. It’s a proven fact that many of this come we stay arrangements do not last. When a marriage breaks, it also leaves one heartbroken, and this is a cause of great misery and suffering. This has also led to the increase of single parents. This leaves one (especially the mother) on their own to bring up the children. This has impacted on our society negatively. Recent studies show that children brought up to single parents are more lawless than children from a functional family.( Cohan & Kleinbaum,2002)

The only advantage of cohabitation before marriage is that it gives you a chance to get to know your partner well before you get to make the lifetime devotion to stay with them. Many people have been known to break up amicably after realizing that they are better off living apart than being married. This can only be achieved if you live with someone over a time and learn them. (Bumpass & Lu,2000)

It’s only fair that people go for the right way of marriage since the merits outweigh the demerits. This will help bring order to our society when families become more functional. This will also cut down on the government’s expenditure in raising children in care centers whose parents parted ways after disagreeing.

List of References

Bumpass, L. L., & Lu, H. H. (2000). Trends in cohabitation and implications for children s family contexts in the United States. Population Studies , 54 , 29–41.

Cohan, C. L., & Kleinbaum, S. (2002). Toward a greater understanding of the cohabitation effect: Premarital cohabitation and marital communication. Journal of Marriage and Family , 64 , 180–192.

Kamp Dush, C. M., Cohan, C. L., & Amato, P. R. (2003). The relationship between cohabitation and marital quality and stability: Change across cohorts? Journal of Marriage and Family , 65 , 539–549.

Stanley, S. M., Whitton, S. W., & Markman, H. J. (2004). Maybe I do: Interpersonal commitment and premarital or nonmarital cohabitation . Journal of Family Issues , 25 , 496–519.

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Should Couples Live Together Before Marriage?

Sara and Ethan* started dating in 2012. One year later, Ethan told Sara he wanted to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. He was seriously considering an out-of-town move.

“I was attending a community college at the time, but knew I needed to transfer to a four-year school,” says Sara. “I felt like our relationship was strong. But trying to keep things going from a distance didn’t seem like a good idea. Since UTC was close to where Ethan would be, I decided to move as well.”

Money was tight for Ethan and Sara. Living together made sense to them financially, but Sara was concerned about what her family and others would think.

Ethan and Sara are among the more than 70 percent of couples who choose to live together before marriage.

“ Cohabitation  has greatly increased in large measure because, while people are delaying marriage to even greater ages, they are not delaying sex, living together or childbearing,” say researchers Scott Stanley and Galena Rhoades. “In fact, Dr. Wendy Manning noted in her 2018 address to the Population Association of America that almost all of the increase in non-marital births in the U.S. since 1980 has taken place in the context of cohabiting unions.”

Stanley and Rhoades note that increasing number of couples who live together before marriage, as well as serial cohabitation, might be of no special consequence except for the many births that now occur in those unions. Some of these couples have a long-term commitment similar to marriage. But on average, cohabiting parents are much more likely than married parents to break up. This increases the odds of family instability for children.

Additionally, a CDC National Center for Health Statistics report found that cohabiting couples tend to be poorer and less-educated than married couples. This creates a greater disadvantage for children. For instance:

• 47.9% of cohabiting women had household incomes less than 150 percent of the federal poverty level. That’s compared to 25.6 percent of wives.
• 36.1 percent of cohabiting men had incomes less than 150 percent of the federal poverty line. That’s compared to 21.2 percent of husbands.
• 25.2 percent of cohabiting women had incomes over 300 percent of the federal poverty line. That’s compared to 48.1 percent of wives.
• 32.4 percent of cohabiting men had incomes over 300 percent of the federal poverty line. That’s compared to 52.4 percent of husbands.
• 25.3% of cohabiting women had a bachelor’s degree, compared to 43% of married women.
• 16.2% of cohabiting men had a bachelor’s degree, compared to 36.5% of married men.

Large majorities of married, non-married and cohabiting couples believe that having and raising children without a marital commitment is fine. They believe that living together before marriage may help prevent divorce.

“This notion has had wide acceptance since at the mid-1990s, when three-fifths of high school students believed that, ‘It is usually a good idea for a couple to live together before getting married in order to find out whether they really get along,’” Stanley and Rhoades say.

Based on their ongoing research on cohabitation, however, Stanley and Rhoades have strong evidence that some patterns of living together before marriage are associated with increased risks for less successful marriages, that experiences and choices impact future outcomes, and that cohabitation is definitely linked to relationship risks.

“What this means is that people who are already at greater risk for worse outcomes in relationships because of things like family background, disadvantage or individual vulnerabilities are also more likely to do any of the following: cohabit and not marry, cohabit before having clear, mutual plans to marry, or cohabit with a number of different partners over time,” Stanley and Rhoades assert.

There is significant research showing that people learn from experiences and that experiences change people’s beliefs, so it’s no surprise that the experiences of couples who live together can change their beliefs about marriage. Consequently, Stanley and Rhoades believe that the increase in cohabitation, serial cohabitation and premarital cohabitation has led to consistent downward trends in the belief that marriage is special.

Another concern is that cohabitation makes it harder to break up.

“Because of the inertia of living together, some people get stuck longer than they otherwise would have in relationships they might have left or left sooner,” Stanley and Rhoades say. “We believe some people marry someone they would otherwise have left because cohabitation made it too hard to move on. While the increased risk can be modest, numerous studies consistently show that those who live together before marriage report lower than average marital quality and are more likely to divorce. This is compounded by the fact that most couples slide into cohabiting rather than make a clear decision about what it means and what their futures may hold.”

Finally, since more children are being born to unmarried parents in relatively unstable relationships, studies indicate that only 1 out of 3 children born to cohabiting parents will remain in a stable family through age 12 . That’s compared to nearly 3 out of 4 children born to married parents. This means that many who cohabit are entering future relationships with the challenge of children as part of the package.

Our society is in a complicated reality. A large portion of the population is choosing to live together before marriage.

There’s a lot for all of us to consider. Research shows that emotional, financial, educational and social stability of cohabiting impacts current and future relationships, along with the communities in which we live.

* Not real names .

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Brett and Kate McKay • June 7, 2017 • Last updated: July 1, 2023

Should You Live Together Before Marriage?

Shacking up . Living in sin .

Fifty years ago, cohabitating with one’s significant other before marriage was described in pejorative terms and often thought of as immoral.

Today the picture is quite different. Living together prior to getting hitched has increased 1500% since the 1960s, and 30% in just the last decade. While almost half of Americans disapproved of the arrangement in 1981, a quarter-century later that number fell to 27%. Today, 2/3 of new marriages are preceded by cohabitation.

Why has living together before marriage become so common? There are several reasons.

The first, of course, is the overall secularization of culture. Living together before marriage naturally signals that a couple is sleeping together before marriage — a violation of the religious proscription against premarital sex. As religious norms have become less dominant in the culture, and adherence to them looser, the societal/familial shame surrounding cohabitation has significantly dropped, while its acceptance has dramatically risen.

Other reasons for the increase in cohabitation rates are more practical. For example, couples often cite the economic benefit — sharing rent, utilities, furniture, etc. — as a motivation for moving in together.

The most popular reason couples decide to live together before marriage, however, is to test their compatibility in the long run — particularly in regards to marriage. Having often grown up as the products of divorce, men and women alike have come to see cohabitation as a low-risk, low-cost way to test out a marriage-like relationship and avoid the pitfalls of their parents. In fact, 2/3 of young adults believe that living together prior to marriage is an effective way to prevent divorce and ensure a happy union.

Does the evidence support that premise?

Answers to this question are often given in unsatisfactory ways. Those with a religious agenda frequently cherry-pick older studies that cast cohabitation in a negative light, while ignoring recent research that offers a more positive take. Yet the proponents of living together can be too dismissive of the significant data which casts doubt on the benefits of cohabitation, instead relying on anecdotal evidence of its positive and protective effect.

The reality, as usual, is a bit more nuanced than most people recognize. The available evidence, in fact, challenges the views of both the pro and con camps.

Today we will thus take a look at both sides of the coin, discussing research conducted only by non-sectarian, non-partisan, academic institutions, and sharing stats both commonly circulated and frequently ignored on the advisability of living together before marriage.

For the religiously devout, the answer to the question of whether to engage in premarital cohabitation is a simple “no.” But for those couples who are less certain of their position, the below aims to be a help in thinking through a question that’s not often taken as seriously as it should be, and in better making an important decision that will greatly impact their individual, and mutual, happiness.

Cohabitation’s Effect on Marriage Stability and Satisfaction

On an intuitive level, it would seem to make sense that couples who had already tried out the proposition of living together, and intimately tested their compatibility, would be able to make a better-informed decision as to whether or not to get hitched, and would thus have a more solid and successful marriage.

Yet, almost a dozen studies conducted since the 1970s have shown the very opposite outcome — that cohabitation prior to marriage is linked to lower marital happiness and stability and a higher chance of divorce. This substantial body of research found that couples who lived together before getting married were in fact 33% more likely to split up than those who didn’t.

Researchers called this paradoxical finding “the cohabitation effect” and frequently surmised that it had more to do with who decided to cohabitate than with cohabitation itself. That is, because more “unconventional” types — folks who were less religious and less committed to the institution of marriage — were more likely to live together before marriage, they were also more likely to seek a divorce if the relationship went sour. The cohabitation effect was thus an issue of correlation, rather than causation.

While plenty of evidence exists to support this theory, most studies still found the cohabitation effect even when controlling for things like religion, politics, and education, leading researchers to conclude that cohabitation itself, rather than simply who practiced it, did have some influence on increasing the chance of divorce and lowering martial satisfaction.

Nonetheless, as cohabitation has become more common, and been picked up by a broader and more conventional swath of the population, its negative impact on divorce has indeed declined, and even disappeared. A recent study that analyzed only those couples that had been married since 1996, found no link between cohabitation before marriage and instability afterward. A 2012 report from the CDC likewise posited “that the association between premarital cohabitation and marital instability for first marriages may have weakened over time because it is less apparent for more recent birth cohorts.”

What’s important to note here, however, is that while there may be emerging evidence that cohabitation isn’t harmful to marriage stability, there isn’t any evidence that it is helpful . It may not increase your chances of getting a divorce, but it doesn’t at all decrease them, either.

Further, even when couples who cohabited before marriage don’t actually split up, there’s evidence to suggest they’re less happy in their marriage than those who moved in after the wedding. Many older studies have found a link between prenuptial cohabitation and a decrease in martial satisfaction, while more recent research showed that, even when controlling for selection factors, married couples who had lived together before getting married (or engaged)  “had more negative interactions, lower interpersonal  commitment, lower relationship quality, and lower relationship confidence,” and  were almost twice as likely to have at some point suggested divorce.

All of this is to say that while it’s popularly thought you would have to be crazy to marry someone you hadn’t lived with before, cohabitation in fact offers no protective value whatsoever, and no advantage over moving in together after walking down the aisle.

As one researcher sums it up: “no positive contribution of cohabitation to marriage has ever been found.”

What accounts for this counterintuitive conclusion?

It may be that cohabitation isn’t actually all that good as practice for marriage. In The Defining Decade , clinical psychologist Meg Jay, who specializes in working with twenty-somethings, observes that living with one’s significant other tends to be more like “an intersection between college roommate and sex partner than a lifelong commitment between two spouses.” She describes the experience of a typical cohabiting couple:

“They vaguely had the idea of testing their relationship, but they didn’t venture into areas that typically stress a marriage: They didn’t pay a mortgage, try to get pregnant, get up in the night with kids, spend holidays with in-laws when they didn’t want to, save for college and retirement, or see each other’s paychecks and credit-card bills.”

“Living with someone may have benefits,” Jay concludes, “but approximating marriage is not necessarily one of them.”

It may also be the case that the positive benefit of getting to know all of a partner’s lifestyle quirks during a period of non-martial cohabitation, are balanced out by the negative relational habits picked up during that time.

Research has shown that “Spouses who cohabited before marriage demonstrated more negative and less positive problem solving and support behaviors compared to spouses who did not cohabit,” a finding that held even when “sociodemographic, intrapersonal, and interpersonal functioning variables” were controlled for. Researchers theorize that because living together before marriage is viewed as a potentially temporary “test drive,” partners are less motivated to really dig in and learn the conflict resolution skills that make for a healthy long-term relationship, and marriage. During the cohabitation period, a pattern of partial commitment, even if subconscious, becomes ingrained, and then is carried over into married life.

An even more significant factor in the decreased satisfaction of spouses who lived together before getting married, is that they may have “settled” for each other — having slid into marriage rather than making a more deliberate decision to get hitched.

Sliding vs. Deciding  

Studies have shown that one of the keys to healthy, happy relationships is moving through important transitions deliberately . Whether it’s deciding to have sex , move in together, get married, or have a baby, couples who make these transitions with intentionality — with mutual discussion of meaning, expectations, plans, and purpose — are more likely to flourish.

Unfortunately, prenuptial cohabitation frequently has the effect of dampening the intentionally needed to successfully transition to marriage.

As Jay notes, “Moving from dating to sleeping over to sleeping over a lot to cohabitation can be a gradual slope, one not marked by rings or ceremonies or sometimes even a conversation.”

Research professor Scott Stanley calls this dynamic “sliding vs. deciding.”

Two-thirds of cohabiters are in fact sliders, who didn’t much discuss the decision to move into together. It just kind of happened.

This lack of deliberation may be due to the common view of living together as a fairly low-risk proposition; if things don’t work out, the thinking goes, we’ll just break up and move out. Easy enough.

But while splitting up when you’re living together is certainly logistically and legally easier than getting a divorce, it’s a lot more psychologically difficult than many couples realize. As Jay explains, cohabiters fail to anticipate how factors known in behavioral economics as consumer “lock-in” and “switching costs” operate not only in the marketplace, but in relationships as well, and can make sliding into a relationship a lot harder than sliding out:

“Lock-in is the decreased likelihood to search for other options, or change to another option, once an investment in something has been made. The initial investment, called a setup cost, can be big or small. A form. An entrance fee. The hassle of creating an online account. A down payment on a car. The greater the setup costs, the less likely we are to move to another, even better, situation later. But even a minimal investment can lead to lock-in, especially when we are faced with switching costs. Switching costs—or the time, money, or effort it requires to make a change—are more complex. When we make an initial investment in something, switching costs are hypothetical and in the future, so we tend to underestimate them. It is easy to imagine we’ll just get a new credit card later or deal with breaking a lease when the time comes. The problem is when the time does come, the switching costs seem bigger up close than they did from far away. Cohabitation is loaded with setup and switching costs, the basic ingredients of lock-in. Moving in together can be fun and economical, and the setup costs are subtly woven in. After years living among a roommate’s junky old stuff, we happily split the rent on a nice one-bedroom apartment. Couples share Wi-Fi and pets and enjoy shopping for new furniture together. Later, these setup costs have an effect on how likely we are to leave.”

Once a couple is set up with a shared apartment, routine, dog, and group of friends, summoning the will to break up becomes more and more difficult. When two lives become so thoroughly intermingled, separating them out, starting all over again, will take a lot of effort; the prospect becomes a little daunting. It seems easier to just keep going with things as they are, even if they’re not ideal. Inertia sets in.

As a result of prematurely “locking in” to one’s roommate/lover, people miss out on opportunities to date those with whom they might be a better fit. As Jay said in an interview , “I have clients who say ‘I spent years of my 20s living with someone who I wouldn’t have dated a year if we had not been living together’”.

More sobering still, is research  which suggests that “couples who otherwise would not have married end up married because of the inertia of cohabitation.” They slide their way right down the aisle: “We might as well share an apartment since we’re already spending so much time together” becomes “we might as well stay together since I might not be able to find someone else,” and finally “we might as well get married since we’ve already been living together for so long.”

This may be especially true when the couple is over thirty, and when more and more of their friends start getting hitched. The prospect of finding someone new as the pickings become slimmer, and of being unmarried as everyone else settles down, can motivate couples to stay together, and take, despite misgivings, what seems like the next step in their relationship and lives. A bird in hand seems better than two in the bush.

Jay theorizes that the sliding effect associated with prenuptial cohabitation can ultimately prevent spouses from feeling like they consciously chose each other, leading to more uncertainty, and less happiness, in their marriage:

“Founding a relationship on convenience and ambiguity can interfere with the process of claiming the people we love. We all ought to feel confident we are choosing our partners and our partners are choosing us because we want to be with them, not because staying together is convenient or because breaking up is inconvenient.”

She concludes:

“I am not for or against living together, but I am for twentysomethings knowing that, far from safeguarding against divorce, moving in with someone increases your chances of locking in on someone, whether he or she is right for you or not.”

To summarize the above findings: prenuptial cohabitation neither increases nor decreases your risk of divorce, but may foster an intentionality-dampening dynamic that heightens the risk of entering into a more mediocre union.

The danger of sliding vs. deciding doesn’t necessarily mean you have to wait to live together until you’re married, however.

Studies show that couples who don’t cohabitate serially, only living with the person they end up marrying, and who wait to move in with that person until they get engaged, have the same rate of marriage stability and compatibility as those who only move in together after actually walking down the aisle. The ritual of engagement, having a deliberate plan to marry, carries the kind of ambiguity-slaying intentionality that leads to a happy union.

But, if you’re going to wait to live together until after you’re engaged, why not hold out a little longer and move in after you’ve tied the knot? From an objective standpoint, it won’t have any negative effect whatsoever on your chances for wedded happiness and longevity. From a subjective one, it will enormously enhance the transformative weight of a ritual meant to weld two lives into one. There’s so much sameness in our culture, in our lives, that it pays to intentionally create moments of memorable, meaningful, heightened drama yourself. For it’s one thing to say “I do” and go right back to the same old apartment you’ve been sharing for a long time prior, and another to carry your bride across a threshold into a new abode, a new life, that’s now neither mine nor hers, but ours .

Be sure to listen to our podcast with Scott Stanley for even more on this topic: 

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The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage

• April 14, 2012

AT 32, one of my clients (I’ll call her Jennifer) had a lavish wine-country wedding. By then, Jennifer and her boyfriend had lived together for more than four years. The event was attended by the couple’s friends, families and two dogs.

When Jennifer started therapy with me less than a year later, she was looking for a divorce lawyer. “I spent more time planning my wedding than I spent happily married,” she sobbed. Most disheartening to Jennifer was that she’d tried to do everything right. “My parents got married young so, of course, they got divorced. We lived together! How did this happen?”

Cohabitation in the United States has increased by more than 1,500 percent in the past half century. In 1960, about 450,000 unmarried couples lived together. Now the number is more than 7.5 million. The majority of young adults in their 20s will live with a romantic partner at least once, and more than half of all marriages will be preceded by cohabitation. This shift has been attributed to the sexual revolution and the availability of birth control, and in our current economy, sharing the bills makes cohabiting appealing. But when you talk to people in their 20s, you also hear about something else: cohabitation as prophylaxis.

In a nationwide survey conducted in 2001 by the National Marriage Project, then at Rutgers and now at the University of Virginia, nearly half of 20-somethings agreed with the statement, “You would only marry someone if he or she agreed to live together with you first, so that you could find out whether you really get along.” About two-thirds said they believed that moving in together before marriage was a good way to avoid divorce.

But that belief is contradicted by experience. Couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages — and more likely to divorce — than couples who do not. These negative outcomes are called the cohabitation effect.

Researchers originally attributed the cohabitation effect to selection, or the idea that cohabitors were less conventional about marriage and thus more open to divorce. As cohabitation has become a norm, however, studies have shown that the effect is not entirely explained by individual characteristics like religion, education or politics. Research suggests that at least some of the risks may lie in cohabitation itself.

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Is It Worth It To Live Together Before Marriage?

For many, relationships follow a ladder of steps. Often, individuals will meet, get to know each other, start officially dating, and then go through relationship milestones. Relationship milestones can include telling someone you love them, meeting their family, celebrating your first dating anniversary, engagement, moving in together, and marriage. 

Although people can follow these steps in any order or not at all, many believe that moving in together should be done after marriage or engagement. Despite this belief, a larger portion of adults have cohabited than have been married according to an analysis of the National Survey of Family Growth by Pew Research Center. So can living together before marriage lead to relationship changes, and is it the right choice to make? The answers will likely be different for each couple or set of partners.

Living together before marriage 

Although roommates may be a solution, many prefer living with someone they care about or find more trusting than a stranger.  

Although living with a partner before marriage, also known as premarital cohabitation, can be a practical or fun solution, some individuals face challenges. If you sign a lease with someone you break up with, you might have to live with them in a one-bedroom until the lease is up. Each of these could be an important point or factor to consider, as they may impact your decision.

A significant decision

Whether you choose to live with someone because it is the next step in your relationship or because you live in an expensive city, specific aspects of the change might come with difficulties or learning curves. 

You may have previously met up with your partner to pursue activities you both have an interest in, hang out with friends, or simply spend time together. After spending time together, you would have your own spaces to go home to, even if you spent a few days together. When you live with someone, you may not have a choice on whether you see them or not. 

Cohabitating couples might learn more about their partner's cleaning, cooking, and grooming habits. You might also have habits your partner doesn't appreciate, like using their towel or leaving your toothbrush out. You may also have to adjust to sharing the responsibility for household chores. For some, this can feel vulnerable and scary. 

Although you may have been able to go home to escape conflicts before, you may have to face them when you live together. If you have one bed, you could find yourself wanting to sleep on the couch or go to a friend's house when you feel angry. This is one major reason that couples rent a two-bedroom to have their own space when needed. 

You may also not have the same legal rights as married couples if you decide to split up. This can be especially important when talking about legal rights relating to the division of assets; if you are unmarried, you likely won’t have the same protections as someone going through the process of divorce.

Should we live together before marriage? 

Whether or not you want to live with your significant other before you are married is a choice. Not everyone will make the choice to wait, and your family might disagree with you. Some cultures have religious or cultural rules against living together or sleeping in the same bed before marriage. Your family may also be unhappy with certain aspects of your partner, like their lack of a high school diploma or specific behaviors they exhibit. 

However, there can be benefits for those who have decided to take this step. For example, one major factor that influences a couple’s decision could be their financial situation. Couples may pay less rent when living together, which can allow them to save up for a home. If you want to apply to buy a home, the loan application could be more straightforward with two incomes. If you do not have a high credit score, your partner may be able to cosign for you.

Studies behind moving in together

A few peer-reviewed studies have been done to see how living together before marriage might affect emotional distress.

First unions study

One study by Sara Mernitz and Claire Kamp Dush in the Journal of Family Psychology examined the changes in emotional distress across various relationship transitions . These changes included moving in together, getting married without living together, and getting married after living together. 

The study looked at young adults in their 20s in the United States. The results found that:

• "Entrance into first cohabiting unions and direct marriages, and all second unions were significantly associated with reduced emotional distress."
• "Gender differences were found for first unions only; for men, only direct marriage was associated with an emotional health benefit, while both direct marriage and cohabitation benefited women's emotional health."
• "Transitioning into marriage from a first, current cohabitation was not associated with a change in emotional distress; these results held for second unions in that transitioning into marriage with a second, current cohabiting partner was also not associated with a change in emotional distress." 

Moving in together brought a sense of emotional well-being to the couples. The study did not observe the long-term effect of living together before marriage or include varied age groups; it only studied two-year increments and focused on couples in their 20s.

Quality of relationships after cohabitation

Another study in the same journal offered findings on relationship satisfaction and quality over time after two people decide to cohabitate. It found that: 

• Dedication to one's partner increases in the lead-up to moving in together but levels off after the transition. 
• Different types of constraint factors that make breakups less likely regardless of partners' dedication showed significant increases upon moving in together and then started to grow more rapidly.
• Conflict increases and starts to climb steadily after moving in together.
• The frequency of sex jumps modestly after a couple moves in together and then declines steadily to become lower than before the transition. 

These findings suggested that couples living together without marriage may be unprepared for a long-term or formal commitment. In addition, they may not be able to handle certain conflicts. In some cases, unmarried couples may be more unprepared to deal with these situations than married couples.

Couples counseling to make a decision 

While there is plenty of content online that claims to provide valuable couples advice, not all of this content comes from high-quality sources. If you seek out information online, it's also important to ask yourself “is this content accurate?” In many cases, it may be better to talk to someone with a substantial education or plentiful experience in the subject, like a couples counselor or therapist. 

If you decide to utilize a couples counselor or therapist, they may be able to help you decide whether living with your current partner is in your best interest. A therapist could help you come up with pros and cons for your decision and make a therapeutic plan in case of conflict and challenges. 

As couples often have busy schedules, many opt for online therapy, which allows them to select a time slot that works best for their schedule. You can also choose to meet with your therapist via video, phone, or live chat sessions. Studies show that online therapy is as effective as traditional in-person therapy.

If you're interested in trying it, platforms like BetterHelp for individuals and Regain for couples have matching systems to find a therapist that best fits your preferences. 

Many couples decide to move in together before marriage. Although there may be changes in your life and relationship as you make this transition, many find that the benefits outweigh the challenges. If you're unsure which way to go or want further professional guidance, consider reaching out to a licensed therapist for support.

Do couples that live together before marriage last longer?

From the 1970s to the 2000s, researchers released studies that suggested cohabitation before marriage increased the risk of divorce. However, Modern science has a more detailed understanding of the complexities experienced by cohabitating couples. Contemporary evidence indicates that early studies may not have captured the whole story and overestimated the risk of living together before marriage.

There is insufficient evidence to suggest that couples who live together before marriage last longer than those who do not. Recent investigations suggest that cohabitation has little effect on how long a marriage lasts or whether a couple will divorce. However, couples often cohabitate out of necessity to reduce financial or childcare burdens. Life circumstances that push people to live together may contribute to the literature suggesting that cohabitation increases divorce risk. 

How long should you live with your partner before getting married?

Cohabitation is widely accepted within the United States. 69% of Americans believe cohabitation is acceptable, regardless of whether a couple intends to get married. Of those who eventually married, 76% of marriages were preceded by cohabitation.  While support for couples living together is widespread, significant debate surrounds how long a couple should live together before getting married. 

Some evidence suggests that most cohabitating relationships last around 18 months, although not all of those relationships end in an engagement or marriage. Many experts recommend that couples focus on factors other than the length of their relationship when considering whether to get married. When considering divorce, the most significant risk factor is likely the maturity of the partners . Those who cohabitate or marry young, usually under age 23, are at a significantly heightened risk of divorce than those who enter into a cohabitating relationship or marriage later on.  

Does living together before marriage lead to higher divorce?

Evidence suggests that living together before marriage may come with an increased risk of divorce . However, recent scientific investigation has shed new light on the previously accepted notion that premarital cohabitation leads to lower marital quality and higher divorce rates. The greatest risk factor associated with divorce and cohabitation is marrying or living together while very young , usually under age 23. 

Psychologists Galena Rhoades and Scott Stanely conducted another study that identified additional risk factors associated with cohabitation and divorce. The first was whether moving in together was an active decision or whether it happened out of necessity. Those who made an active, considered decision to move in together were 13% less likely than those who moved in together out of necessity. Stanley calls this “sliding versus deciding,” referring to couples who “slid in” to cohabitation rather than choosing it actively. 

Similarly, the reasons for moving in together were also found to be important. Stanley and Rhoades asked participants to select one of four reasons for moving in with their partner: 

• “Made sense financially.”
• “Test the relationship.”
• “Spend more time with your partner.”
• “Inconvenient to live apart.” 

Respondents who indicated they moved in with their romantic partner because it “made sense financially” or to “test the relationship” were significantly more likely to get divorced than those who cohabitated to spend more time with each other. The response “inconvenient to live apart” was not associated with an increased or decreased risk of divorce. 

Which couple is at increased risk of divorce?

The best predictor of divorce is age at the time of marriage . Those who get married under the age of 20 have a 38% chance of getting divorced in the first five years of marriage, and those who get married between 20 and 24 have a 27% chance of divorce in the first five years. Furthermore, those who get married under 25 have a 60% chance of divorce overall. 

Evidence surrounding the adverse effects of cohabitation follows a similar theme. It has long been suggested that cohabitation before marriage leads to lower marital quality and a higher chance of divorce. However, contemporary investigations suggest that the adverse outcomes observed in couples who live together before marriage may be caused by living together or assuming marital roles before both partners are ready to handle the relationship maturely . 

What is it called when you live with your partner before marriage?

When romantic partners live together, regardless of whether marriage is being considered, it is called cohabitation. In many cohabitating romantic relationships, partners assume marital roles and act as they would if they were married. They may even merge finances or raise children together. Other cohabitating relationships are more reserved, with partners maintaining a wider degree of separation. 

While there are mixed opinions surrounding cohabitation, it is supported by 69% of adults in the United States, and two-thirds of married adults viewed cohabitation as a necessary step before getting married. Those who chose to cohabitate to spend more time with their partner will likely experience better outcomes than those who cohabitated out of financial or logistical necessity. 

What are 2 disadvantages of cohabitation before marriage?

Two commonly reported disadvantages of cohabitation are l ower marital quality and a higher risk of divorce . Evidence suggests that cohabitation can lead to less happiness in a marriage, and it is weakly associated with an increase in the likelihood of divorce. However, recent evidence suggests that the maturity of the cohabitating partners predicts adverse outcomes better than simply whether or not they live together. 

Cohabitating partners are less likely to experience a breakup or divorce if they move in together in their mid-to-late 20s. Regarding marriage, those who married under the age of 25 are significantly more likely to divorce than their older counterparts, regardless of whether they cohabitated. It is likely that some of the perceived disadvantages of cohabitation may be attributable to young couples moving in together too early, either by choice or necessity. 

Is it smart to live together before marriage?

Living together before marriage has pros and cons. It is a common practice; 66% of married adults in the United States reported living together before becoming engaged. In addition, their report includes the overwhelming opinion that living together is necessary before marriage . Furthermore, many couples are postponing engagement and marriage due to financial or other concerns, leading to a significant uptick in the number of cohabitating couples who would likely already be married but are left cohabitating as they overcome practice obstacles to marriage.

In other words, living together before marriage is likely becoming a way to move out of the dating phase, achieving a new level of commitment as a couple prepares for the financial and logistical challenges of a wedding and marriage. This may make it difficult to interpret the data surrounding cohabitation and divorce as more couples live together out of necessity. Evidence suggests that the reasons couples select when deciding to live together are a strong predictor of divorce risk . Couples who chose to live together to spend more time with each other had a lower risk of divorce. In contrast, couples who lived together to save money or “test their relationship” had a 13% higher chance of getting divorced. 

What are the odds of marital success if you live together prior to marriage?

Living together before marriage has been historically associated with an increased risk of divorce. However, modern studies have shed new light on the possible harmful marital effects of cohabitation before marriage. Cohabitation is a complex subject, and it is challenging to identify all the variables that predict a successful marriage, but contemporary evidence suggests that the risks associated with cohabitation may be overblown .

It is likely that maturity, relationship experience, and marital preparation predict divorce much better than whether a couple cohabitates before marriage. This aligns with a previous study by the Institute of Family Studies that suggests couples who get married before the age of 25 are significantly more likely to get divorced than those who wait until they are older. Similar effects have been observed in cohabitating partners; if two people move in together in their early 20s, they are significantly more likely to experience a breakup or a divorce ( if their relationship progresses to marriage). 

The evidence suggests that ensuring a strong relationship foundation based on activities that increase commitment, empathetic communication, and problem-solving likely has a much more significant impact on marital success than whether a couple cohabitates. A couple can ensure the greatest chance of success by waiting until after the age of 23 to move in together and by developing the skills necessary for a happy future relationship . 

What is the best age to get married?

Conventional wisdom suggests that the later a couple gets married, the more likely their marriage will be successful. In the past, this was supported by empirical studies, but contemporary generations are demonstrating a new trend. Evidence suggests that marrying young is still a significant risk factor for divorce . 38% of couples who married before turning 20 are likely to divorce within the first five years of marriage. 

For those who married between the ages of 20 to 24, that number drops to 27%. Those who married between 25 and 34 had a 12% chance of getting divorced in the first five years, less than half the risk of 20 - 24 year olds. In a departure from previous research, modern evidence suggests that divorce risk increases for those married after age 35. In that age group, nearly 17% of couples will experience a divorce in the first five years of marriage. Based on divorce risk, which is a strong predictor of marital quality, the best age to get married is likely between 25 and 34.  

• Marriage Advice To Cherish, To File Away, And To Ignore Medically reviewed by Melissa Guarnaccia , LCSW
• Ten Common Marriage Problems And How To Resolve Them Medically reviewed by Arianna Williams , LPC, CCTP
• Relationships and Relations

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Should Couples Live Together Before Marriage?

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According to a recent Op-Ed , a majority of young adults in their 20s will live with a romantic partner at least once, and more than half of all marriages will be preceded by cohabitation. Why do you think this is? Why do you think of cohabiting, or living together before marriage, in general? Why?

In “The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage,” Meg Jay, a therapist, writes about new research that shows more and more couples are living together. Dr. Jay counseled one client, “Jennifer,” who had been living with her boyfriend for four years when they got married. Less than a year later, she was looking for a divorce lawyer. Dr. Jay writes:

Cohabitation in the United States has increased by more than 1,500 percent in the past half century. In 1960, about 450,000 unmarried couples lived together. Now the number is more than 7.5 million. The majority of young adults in their 20s will live with a romantic partner at least once, and more than half of all marriages will be preceded by cohabitation. This shift has been attributed to the sexual revolution and the availability of birth control, and in our current economy, sharing the bills makes cohabiting appealing. But when you talk to people in their 20s, you also hear about something else: cohabitation as prophylaxis. In a nationwide survey conducted in 2001 by the National Marriage Project, then at Rutgers and now at the University of Virginia, nearly half of 20-somethings agreed with the statement, “You would only marry someone if he or she agreed to live together with you first, so that you could find out whether you really get along.” About two-thirds said they believed that moving in together before marriage was a good way to avoid divorce. But that belief is contradicted by experience. Couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages — and more likely to divorce — than couples who do not. These negative outcomes are called the cohabitation effect. Researchers originally attributed the cohabitation effect to selection, or the idea that cohabitors were less conventional about marriage and thus more open to divorce. As cohabitation has become a norm, however, studies have shown that the effect is not entirely explained by individual characteristics like religion, education or politics. Research suggests that at least some of the risks may lie in cohabitation itself.

Students: Tell us what you think about the “cohabitation effect.” Would you live with your significant other before marriage? Why or why not? What should couples talk about before moving in together, whether before or after marriage? Why do you think that, according to this writer, couples who live together are less likely to be satisfied with their marriage? Are there ways that cohabitation could benefit a couple? What evidence do you have from your own life or the lives of your friends or family that supports or refutes the “cohabitation effect”?

Students 13 and older are invited to comment below. Please use only your first name. For privacy policy reasons, we will not publish student comments that include a last name.

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I think that it’s okay because it’s their choice. Well that all depends on how they are. I would because if I wanted to be with this person for a long time then I would want to keep them with me. What time they work and when when they be home for dinner and what do you like to do in your spare time on weekends? I think they have already been together and they don’t feel a lot of love anymore because they start to annoy each other.Yes, I think there are. People tend to learn more about peoples habits when they move together and that decides their future of being together.

No because whos too say that they will be together forever. they could end up sliplting up and the other person might get kicked out and could possibly have a hard time getting back on their feet.

My grampa says why buy the cow if you get the milk for free.

I guess it comes down to whether a marriage is more than more free milk.

I think they should be allowed to do whatever they want to do. If people are able to live on their own, they have the right to live with whoever they want.

I think it would be perfectly fine as long as it is agreed on. I personally would because if I did planning on being with them forever then I should get to be with them before marriage. The author made it sound like that hes very bias and did not support.

Tell us what you think about the “cohabitation effect.” Would you live with your significant other before marriage? Why or why not? What should couples talk about before moving in together, whether before or after marriage? Why do you think that, according to this writer, couples who live together are less likely to be satisfied with their marriage? Are there ways that cohabitation could benefit a couple? What evidence do you have from your own life or the lives of your friends or family that supports or refutes the “cohabitation effect”?

I would live with my other before marriage as long as he respected me and my beliefs about what you should and should not do before marriage. Couples should talk about what will happen in the future between them and what each other believes. If both can not agree with an arrangement that will allow both to live together then it is best that they do not live together.

I would live with my “significant other half” before marriage because by living together, you will be able to prepare yourself to the customs of each other’s household routines and practices. Also it will just strengthen the relationship bond. The couples should talk about moving in together whether it’s before or after marriage because it is a big decision for two people to move in together. I think the author thinks that couples who live together are less satisfied with their marriage because they have to put up with each other more and h will get frustrated with each other more.

I don’t see the problem with it. Your getting married so what is the point. I think it is kinda sweet. Its there choice to get married or not. Its like trail and error if it works out then go ahead if it doesn’t oh well.

I believe in living together before marriage. It would give the couple time to see if they are ‘compatible’ with each other and if they really truly are in love with each other. They should talk about possible problems that they could run into as well as coming up with resolutions if these problems do occur. Living with each other before marriage can give each other a chance to get to know the other in a closer environment so they know who they are living with for the rest of their lives. Its all about commitment.

It is a goood ideah because they get to bond with eachother before they make a committment where they would be with eachother every day so they get usto eachothers costums.

i do agree with living together before marriage. you can get used to each other and adapt to the others customs. not to mention that in all essence marriage a material thing and if you are truly in love then there shouldn’t have to be a ring or a wedding.

I have seen both sides of this story in the people around me I know some people who have lived together for a very long time with out marriage and are still together, how ever I also know people who got married and were divorced a year later.

I think that cohabitation before even marrying is stupid. I would wait until I get married to live with my “significant.” The reason is that the more time I spend with her, I will probably get annoyed of her as much as I like her. I think that couples should move in after they marry because they will probably and most likely end up divorcing. There may be ways cohabitation before marriage may be beneficial like spending more time with each other but in my opinion, that doesn’t matter.

I would not live with my significant other before marriage because it is against my religion. There is no reason to live with the person until you are married. Living with a person you are in love with before marriage usually leads to other things that are ungodly and sinful to do before marriage.

I think that there is nothing wrong with couples living together before marriage. They should be able to do what they want to do with their lives.

To be honest, I do not mind if couples live together before marriage. Granted some people may be insulted by this doing but it may just make it so they can be sure that will be able to live together and obey their vows.

I think that it is a personal choice and that other people shouldn’t judge others for what they chose. Personally I think it is a good idea because it lets people get to know about the other persons personal habits and that could change their choice to marry said person.

Personally, I believe it is fine, as it is the two individuals choice. Whether or not they want to wait until marriage is up to the couple. As long as they respect and love each other, I don’t see why not.

I think that couples should live together before marriage to get use to the idear of living in the same house with each other. With the rate of divorces these days I could imagine it being a addition to the cause of divorce.

I would live with my partner before getting married. This way, you can really see whether or not you could ‘deal’ or ‘stand’ living with the person. Seeing each other every day or every other day is one thing, but having them constantly around you might change your feelings. And since I believe marriage is a huge commitment that you make for your whole life, I would want to make absolutely sure that I enjoyed living with my partner before marriage, as to avoid a divorce.

I personally do not really care what people decide. Living with someone is a person’s choice, and what becomes of it is because of them, not anyone else. The benefits, such as getting to know the other person extremely well, are important, but the downsides, such as premature divorce, are important to recognize as well.

Tell us what you think about the “cohabitation effect.” Would you live with your significant other before marriage? Why or why not? What should couples talk about before moving in together, whether before or after marriage? Why do you think that, according to this writer, couples who live together are less likely to be satisfied with their marriage? Are there ways that cohabitation could benefit a couple? What evidence do you have from your own life or the lives of your friends or family that supports or refutes the “cohabitation effect”? I would live with my significant other before marriage, because this would allow for my partner and I to see what it would be like to live together before making the ultimate commitment. I think that couples who live together before marriage may be less satisfied by their marriage because when they are living together they may have more sexual interactions. Past experiences that I have had with people living together before marriage have seemed to all work out.

I think it is a good idea to live with someone before getting married – it is a smart step on the way to being married – it allows the couple to make sure they are meant to be together before committing themselves to marriage, to have and to hold for ever.

It should not be taken lightly, however – living together is not “marriage lite” – it is a serious thing, and you can get hurt if it doesn’t work out – but why not disover if it will not work out, before you get married – seems to make sense to me.

this is a test to see if i can post – i have been unable to so far

Hi Leyla – It worked. I don’t know why you’re having trouble, but I hope your troubles are over now. Thanks for joining in! – Holly

I would personally live with a partner before marriage of any sort is thought of. I think it is best to know someone fully before commitment this includes their habits that they have, like if they snore or if they have strange hobbies.

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Living Together before Marriage

Updated 19 August 2021

Subject Love

Downloads 30

Category Family ,  Life

Topic Divorce ,  Marriage ,  Relationship

The shift is unavoidable in this day and era. The complexities of a marriage and partnerships have also evolved over time. Around 50 years ago, there was a very negative mentality about the way partnerships, families and divorce were discussed. That mentality has not changed, and today there is a much more reserved attitude about the manner in which these matters are preceded (McNulty et al 2016). Another subject that has lately attracted interest is the question of live-in partnerships. Couples, who are planning on getting married someday, should cohabitate first because it will provide a better perspective about their partner, get them accustomed to each other’s lifestyle, and change in the gender role. Personally, I prefer that people who want to get married should live together first so that they could get to know what they are getting themselves into and if they are ready for it. Ideally, there are views both in favor and against this idea of life in relationships but I think that cohabitating before marriage outweighs all arguments against this. (Berrington, 2015). The first reason is that living together before marriage is the fundamental test. It is at this time that people who want to be married get to understand if they can still love each other even after acknowledging that it is not going to be a joy ride. The love that people have for each other will be tested fully when they live together before marriage. Most of the times, in any prospective romantic relationship, it is tough to have an idea about the way that partner is going to turn out (McNulty et al 2016). Marriage is pretty much like a legal contract, and they proceed in such a long-term commitment with someone just by few meetings is somewhat a huge gamble (Berrington, 2015). On the other hand, if two people live together for a considerable period, then there is a likelihood that they would get to know each other at a more personal level (McNulty et al. 2016). Not only, but they would also be sure that how that other partner is going to turn out if something does not go right at every level. The statistics have also shown that that person who goes into marriage straightaway after romantic relationships, the divorce rate is higher by about 30 % in those cases. On the other hand, couples that know each other are much likely to stay together (Berrington, 2015). The other aspect that has to be taken into consideration is the fact that how committed people are into the relationship (McNulty et al, 2016). These days, the level of commitment that is going to be witnessed among each of the partners might vary. Thus, if one person jumps into the marriage while the other one is not comfortable with it is the critical fact that is needed to be taken into the reckoning (McNulty et al 2016). When the level of commitment is not the same in both the partners, then there is a likelihood that the marriage is not going to work out. Having a better understanding of your partner is one of the prime reasons to which marriage or long-term commitment must be done after living together for a while (Berrington, 2015). The second reason is that people who live together before marriage form a stronger bond as a team thus will be able to plan their future. They will be able to plan their careers, relationship, and financial system together. This will give them the experience and wisdom of how to raise a family if they end up getting married. Through this, both of them will be able to understand each others’ priorities and values and if it aligns with theirs before getting married. Once you start living with that person, you realize how the spend the rest of the day (McNulty). Some people might be charismatic when one gets to spend a short amount of time with them, but once that initial phase is over, persons/partners personality may become more reserved in the relationship (Berrington, 2015). As the relationship evolves, one becomes more aware of their partners values, beliefs, and goals. For instance, how soon they want the kids to happen, or whether they want kids at all (Rhoades). When people are living together, they can develop an insight about the way this relationship is going to work and what is the perspective of people with regards to the way things are going to be working out.The third reason is that a couple’s passion and intimacy life will be tested before getting married. Couples will get to understand more if they will be comfortable with each other and can be able to plan if they can be able to have babies in the future.Argument supporting living together before marriageAn April issue of the Journal of marriage and family that was presented early to the Council involving contemporary families’ states that recent studies have wrongly overstated that living together before marriage triggers divorce highly. An assistant professor at the University of Carolina, Arielle Kuperberg supports cohabitation by arguing that living together does not really result to divorce in marriage later on. The professor goes ahead to say that it depends on what age the couple decided to start living together. It, therefore, suggests that people that used to live together but got divorced after marriage are the ones who did not choose compatible partners who are suitable for them. This is in contrast to what the US Attorney Legal services which says that couples that lived together before have a 49% chance of getting divorced while those that never lived together have a 20% chance. Basically, divorce can be influenced by many factors like career. Careers, like dancing and bartending record the highest rate of divorce therefore living together, does not primarily mean that your marriage will end up in divorce.When people are dating each other, they only meet for a limited amount of time, and during that phase, they tend to be presentable which is not the case most of the times when they are living in the vicinity of their homes (Berrington, 2015). Research proves that when you are conversating to someone you like, everything from your body language and the tone of your voice changes (Boyce, 2016). That is not going to be a case when one person is living with their partner for a more extended period because it is going to allow for better reflection of that person (McNulty). Things are bound to change when people start to live together. For instance, how organized the person is when it comes to the daily chores, how are the financials and the living style of the person (Berrington). These are the little thing that might not matter if one is meeting for a brief period (Boyce, 2016). The greater the level of communication is, the greater the likelihood that the marriage is going to be successfull (Boyce et al, 2016). If these things are not cleared out, they might cause unnecessary expectation on each other. Communication is an important part of understanding in the marriage process (Boyce, 2016). With the passage of time, there has been a definitive change in the way gender roles are defined. Previously, women were content to stay home, and they had no career aspirations at that point in time (Boyce et al, 2016). Now, more and more women are entering the professional field. There are two reasons for it: One is the fact that the inflation rates and other factors have prompted women to come into the professional arena (Rhoades, 2015). Their communication is needed in order to maintain a sustainable lifestyle. The other factor is the rise in the wave of the feminism (Boyce et al, 2016). People are becoming more and more aware of the facts that there is no need for stereotyping of the genders. As women are entering the professional fray, they form new relationships, and, as they move away from home and to another city, those relationships are not lasting. In the early age, the preference for them is not to settle down, and instead, work towards a more prosperous and sustainable career. At times, men are not comfortable with their women working they prefer for their wives to be a homemaker (Boyce ).Modern women on the other hand, are not comfortable staying home (Boyce ). It is important that these conversations are held on a regular basis because and these concerns are needed to be addressed before one goes into a marriage (Rhoades). Marriage is a long-term commitment, and divorce is something that is much harder to get away from versus cohabitating (Boyce). The church will argue that marriage is a lifelong commitment and should not to be dissolved or broken. Commitment means being determined that the couples will stick it out no matter what the future brings. When there is an agreement without commitment it is easy to give up. When there is a commitment ahead of time, you hang-tough through good times and the bad and don't bail out at the first sign of trouble. According to the Bible in the New International Version, Eph. 5:31 it states that a man shall leave his parents and he shall become one with his wife. In Romans 7:2-3, the Bible also says that a husband must not divorce his wife Vis a Vis.In hindsight, it can be seen that the idea of living together before marriage is a good one in current day and time (Rhoades, 2015). The dynamics of relationships are changing at a very rapid pace, with mass urbanization, the rise of feminism as a force at the global level are some of the few reasons that gender dynamics have changed. This change is one of the main reasons why people in relationships should live together before deciding to tie the knot. ConclusionIn conclusion, cohabitation or living together does not necessarily lead to divorce like most arguments say. I, therefore, support that people should live together before getting married.Works CitedBerrington, Ann, BriennaPerelli-Harris, and Paulina Trevenna. “Commitment and the changing sequence of cohabitation, childbearing and marriage: Insights from qualitative research in the UK. “ Demographic Research 33 (2015): 327.Bible. New International version. Grand Rapids: Zondervan House, 1984. Print.Boyce, Christopher J.,Alex M. Wood, and Eamon Ferguson. “For better of for worse: The moderating effects of personality on the marriage- life satisfaction link. “ Personality and individual differences 97 (2016):61-66.McNulty, James K., Carolyn A.Wenner, and Terri D. Fisher.”Longitudinal associations among relationship satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, and frequency of sex in early marriage.” Archives of sexual behavior 45.1 (2016):85-97.Rhoades, Galena K., et al. “Can marriage education mitigate the risks associated with premarital cohabitation?.” Journal of Family Psychology 29.3 (2015):500.

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Home » For You » Relationships

Living Together Before Marriage – Benefits & Drawbacks

Explore both sides of the coin before you decide to share the same roof.

Sarah Kenville has a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and a law degree. She has 8 years of experience and offers premarital counseling and relationship coaching to dating, engaged, newlywed, and same-sex couples. She is pass... read full bio

Sneha has a master's degree in Applied Linguistics from the University of Hyderabad, a professional Relationship Coach diploma, and over four years of experience in writing. She writes about relations... read full bio

Subhrojyoti is an associate editor at StyleCraze with four years of experience. He has a master’s degree in English from Presidency University, Kolkata, and has also done a post-graduate certificate c... read full bio

Gracia Odile is a teacher-turned-beauty and lifestyle writer with three years of professional experience. She has a bachelor's degree in English from St. Stephen's College, a master's in Anthropology ... read full bio

Image: Shutterstock

Living together before marriage was uncommon once upon a time. It is estimated that 50% of couples live together before their wedding ( 1 ). But is living together before marriage a good idea? The answer to this age-old question depends on many factors, such as compatibility, trust, and the age of your relationship. This article explores the benefits of living together before marriage and its drawbacks. Scroll down to find more information.

In This Article

Is Living Together Before Marriage A Good Idea?

Prior to getting into the benefits and drawbacks of cohabitation before marriage, let’s first address a crucial issue: what are your and your partner’s ultimate goals?

You may have already decided to marry your partner, but they haven’t decided yet or even thought about it. This isn’t necessarily a cause for concern, but knowing this information is important. Make a list of what each of you ultimately want out of the relationship. It may be marriage, or it may be living together indefinitely. It could even be living apart from each other, as improbable as that seems.

In a sense, these goals can exist in separate spheres – marriage and living together are not the only two things you can do to secure a lifelong commitment with someone. Other goals can be considered in this scenario, such as living alone, having children, living with children from a previous relationship, living in the same home as your family or friends, etc.

Then, you can each make a list of what you want. Do this on separate sheets of paper first, as it helps to organize your ideas more clearly. Next, trade lists and discuss what is written down. Be honest and take the time to listen to each other’s goals, no matter how out there they seem to you.

Living together before marriage gives you insight into your partner’s personality, habits, quirks, triggers, etc. Now, let’s talk about the pros of living together before marriage.

Benefits Of Living Together Before Marriage: A Stronger And Deeper Relationship

• Living together will help you better understand each other’s expectations , needs, and personalities. It can also provide an opportunity for future planning for a domestic partnership and set realistic relationship goals as per your assumed gender roles.
• Living together will help you better understand the demands of living with another person. Cohabitation can show how each of you responds to living in the same environment and sharing the expenses and household responsibilities. It’s an opportunity for you to learn about each other’s living habits and style, communication skills, and family ties.
• Living together will help you learn new things about your partner that living separately would not. You will see first-hand what makes your significant other tick! You will also begin to understand them better than before, and it will help you feel closer to them.
• Cohabitation before marriage will allow you to plan more effectively for your future as a couple. You can figure out how to divide and manage your finances as a couple. In many ways, it can also help you overcome the fear of commitment.
• Living together before marriage can help you figure out how sexually compatible you are, which is extremely important for any long-term relationship .
• Sharing space before getting married can help you save money for your wedding or a downpayment on a house. It can also help you more quickly pay off any loans you may have.
• The process of planning a wedding is time-consuming and can be exhausting. There are so many things to accomplish and not enough time to do them (on top of your job and everything else you may be doing). One advantage of living together before getting married is you can plan the wedding more efficiently.

Drawbacks Of Living Together Before Getting Married

• You may think that living together forever will be easy, but living with someone requires compromises and patience that living separately does not. While living together can bring you closer to your partner before marriage, living in the same house might cause more problems than it’s worth and even lead to a premature end to the relationship.
• It is said that having more than one serious relationship in the past affects how likely it is that you’ll divorce if you cohabitate before marriage. If you’ve had two or more significant relationships before marriage, living together increases the risk of separation. However, the research behind this claim is not conclusive.
• The more cohabiting partners share living expenses, the less likely they are to marry each other. Sharing living expenses looks logical on paper. After all, living together does make living expenses more affordable. But, there is a price to living together: it becomes increasingly difficult to break up with your partner if you split living costs. However, the problems you two are facing may also prevent you from taking the big marriage step. As a result, your relationship may get stuck in limbo.
• It is said that those who cohabitate before marriage are more likely to become violent towards each other than those living together after getting married. If you’re living with your partner before marriage, avoiding letting conflicts deteriorate into violence and abuse is essential.
• Having friends and family “approve of” living together does not necessarily reduce the risk of separation later on because living together does not necessarily increase the quality of your communication.

A blogger, writes about her experience of being in a cohabiting relationship. She admits that even though the first few months were blissful, the weight of the relationship started setting in. The differences started seeping in with their sleep patterns, sharing of household chores, finances, and sex. Yet she added, “To be honest, if you are thinking of cohabiting I say give it a try knowing that it might actually work out for you and if marriage is the end goal for both of you it might happen ( i ).”

How To Prepare For Living Together Before Marriage

• Be Clear About Your Goals: Be clear about what you ultimately want from living with your partner. Do you want it to culminate in marriage? Or do you just want to live together indefinitely? Talk about what’s important to you and make compromises as needed.
• Set Some Ground Rules: Create ground rules that work best for you. These ground rules could include how much space each person has, how to spend money and budget, dividing chores, living arrangements during holidays, etc. Agreeing on these things before you start living together will make your life easier.
• Communication Is Essential: Don’t assume your partner knows what you want or how you feel. Instead, discuss issues as they arise to avoid any misunderstandings later down the line.
• Discuss Finances Regularly: This may include financial planning in a way you both agree on and, if necessary, having a savings plan in place for big purchases. Take into account any debts each of you have and include a plan to pay them off.
• Involve Your Families Early On: Living with someone changes the dynamics of your relationship. Living together before marriage means interacting with your partner’s family to some degree. If possible, involve the families in decision-making processes that affect your living together. This can save you a lot of stress and frustration.
• Be Realistic About What Living Together May Lead To:

Cohabiting before marriage does not guarantee a long-term commitment . It could be like a trial period for your relationship when you both figure out it will not work out in the long run.

• Compatibility Testing: Before living together, couples should take compatibility tests to assess the extent to which they are compatible with each other. These tests can help them identify their strengths and weaknesses as a couple and work on areas that need improvement.
• Cultural Expectations and Social Stigma: Living together before marriage can also be influenced by cultural expectations and social stigma. Couples should be aware of these factors and be prepared to deal with any challenges that may arise.
• Mutual Respect: Last but not the least, living together requires mutual respect between partners. Couples should respect each other’s opinions, feelings, and decisions, and work towards a healthy and loving relationship.

Infographic: What You Need To Know About Living Together Before Marriage

For a lot of couples, living together can strengthen their bond, but it also comes with challenges. The benefits include better understanding and the opportunity to assess your compatibility. However, the drawbacks, such as potential relationship strain and difficulties in ending the partnership, can’t be ignored. Check out the infographic below to understand the advantages and disadvantages of a live-in relationship.

Illustration: StyleCraze Design Team

Living together before marriage has its share of advantages and disadvantages. It helps you understand your partner better, understand each other’s expectations and needs, practice personal boundaries, work on commitment levels, plan the future more effectively, measure compatibility, and manage finances well. On the other hand, it may increase the chances of conflict under certain circumstances, leading to a breakup. So, it is not as easy as it sounds and may not work for everyone. Before you cohabitate, be sure of each other’s goals, talk about finances regularly, and communicate well to reduce the chances of conflicts.

Frequently Asked Questions

What percentage of couples break up after moving in together?

Recent data shows that about 40-50% of couples moving in together may end up having complications in their relationship that may lead them to break up. However, it entirely depends on your mutual understanding and willingness to take the relationship seriously.

How long should couples wait to move in together?

You should at least give yourself 1-2 years of initial dating time before you decide to move in together. Before you take the big leap, you should be aware of each other’s lifestyle and preferences .

Does living together before marriage impact the likelihood of divorce?

Different studies show different results. The likelihood of divorce is not entirely based on the factor of live-in but includes other important aspects, such as age, education, background, health, among other circumstances.

What are some financial considerations when living together before marriage?

Sharing day-to-day expenses, opening a joint account, debt, property ownership, insurance, and emergency funds are important financial considerations for partners.

Are there any religious or cultural perspectives on living together before marriage?

Yes, some religions and cultures view it as a non-conformist, immoral, and unacceptable practice, while in others, it is thought of as a practical approach to test compatibility before marriage.

How can couples navigate the decision of living together before marriage with their families?

Living together before marriage can be a tricky situation, especially if your family holds conservative values. It is better to have an open and honest conversation about it and give the family time to accept it.

What legal rights and responsibilities do couples have when living together before marriage?

The legal rights and responsibilities of couples who are living together before marriage in the US can vary depending on each state. In most of the states, live-in couples are not given the same rights as married couples. This means a live-in couple cannot legally share debt, insurance, healthcare, property rights, and child care and support.

Does living together before marriage affect societal perceptions or judgments?

It can if you live in a conservative society. They may distance you and refuse to accept your relationship as legitimate.

Are there any strategies for resolving conflicts that arise from living together before marriage?

To deal with conflict in a healthy way, it’s advisable to take time to reflect on the fight and process it so that both parties can have an honest conversation about it.

Does living together before marriage affect the timeline for getting engaged or married?

Yes, a couple might take more time to understand each other as they unearth new differences each day. On the other hand, if they work really well together in a live-in, they might want to get hitched earlier than planned too.

Key Takeaways

• While living together is more common than it used to be, there are still certain questions to answer.
• Living together before marriage gives you the time and opportunity to know your partner and test your mutual trust and compatibility.
• Sharing a place and expenses may lead to certain disputes and challenges ahead of marriage.
• Coming to terms with the various aspects of each other’s personalities may lead your relationship either way, based on your mutual level of understanding and willingness.

Image: Dall·E/StyleCraze Design Team

Personal Experience: Source

StyleCraze's articles are interwoven with authentic personal narratives that provide depth and resonance to our content. Below are the sources of the personal accounts referenced in this article.

Articles on StyleCraze are backed by verified information from peer-reviewed and academic research papers, reputed organizations, research institutions, and medical associations to ensure accuracy and relevance. Read our editorial policy to learn more.

• A Longitudinal Investigation of Commitment Dynamics in Cohabiting Relationships https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/labs/pmc/articles/PMC3377181/
• Fact-checker

Sarah Kenville MA (Marriage and Family Therapy)

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12 Essential Topics to Discuss Before Marriage & Their Importance

Passionate relationship writer, Kaida Hollister, renowned for insightful and engaging writing on love, human connection, psychology, and personal growth.

In This Article

You’ve just said, “I do,” the cake has been enjoyed, and the congratulations are pouring in. But beneath the excitement lies a silent question: are you and your partner truly ready for this lifelong adventure together?

Marriage is more than just a dazzling celebration; it’s a commitment to face life’s joys and hurdles as a united team. Honest conversations before marriage ensure you’re on the same page.

By discussing crucial topics early on, you can address potential challenges, strengthen your bond, and build a foundation of understanding. But what are these important topics to discuss before marriage?

These discussions aren’t just about finding common ground; they’re about appreciating each other’s unique perspectives, promoting trust, and paving the way for a happy and fulfilling marriage. Every couple is unique, and these conversations are your guiding light to a harmonious future together.

How can conversations, even when uncomfortable, lead to a stronger foundation?

Imagine Emma and Jack, a couple deeply in love but with differing views on finances. Emma values saving, while Jack enjoys spending. Instead of avoiding the topic, they have an open conversation about their financial habits.

Though initially uncomfortable, they listen to each other without judgment and find a middle ground . Emma agrees to a fun budget for Jack, while Jack starts a savings plan with Emma. This honest discussion helps them understand and respect each other’s values, building trust and cooperation.

By facing this tough topic head-on, they create a stronger foundation for their marriage, proving that even uncomfortable conversations can lead to a more harmonious and resilient partnership.

5 reasons why discussions before marriage are important

While the wedding day is a beautiful celebration, a successful marriage is built on a foundation of open communication and shared understanding.

Discussing important topics before marriage can help couples understand each other’s expectations, values, and goals. Here are 5 reasons why these discussions are so essential.

1. Understanding financial habits

Money is considered one of the most important topics to discuss before marriage. Knowing each other’s spending and saving habits can prevent future conflicts .

Research indicates financial issues are a key cause of conflict between spouses. Studies by Britt and Huston suggest money arguments significantly impact relationship satisfaction. Poor financial management, such as excessive debt, is linked to marital conflicts.

For example, if one partner is a saver and the other is a spender, discussing this early on can help them find a balance and create a financial plan that works for both. This understanding can help in setting financial goals and managing expenses effectively.

2. Aligning life goals

Discussing future aspirations is crucial. Couples need to know if their long-term goals align, whether it’s about career ambitions, travel plans, or starting a family .

For instance, if one partner dreams of living abroad while the other wants to settle close to family, this could cause tension. Understanding each other’s dreams and finding common ground can ensure a more harmonious future.

3. Managing expectations around household responsibilities

Household chores and responsibilities are important topics to discuss before marriage. It’s vital to set clear expectations about who will handle what .

For example, if one partner expects the other to take care of all the cooking and cleaning while the other envisions an equal split, discussing this beforehand can prevent misunderstandings. Sharing responsibilities fairly can lead to a more balanced and satisfying relationship.

Research indicates that unequal distribution of household labor is linked to lower psychological well-being and family conflict. Negotiating household and family duties is important for health. Additionally, couples with more gender-equal arrangements tend to have better health outcomes, especially in societies that support gender equality.

4. Agreeing on parenting styles

If you plan to have children, discussing parenting philosophies is essential. Couples should talk about how they were raised and what they envision for their own family .

For instance, one partner might favor strict discipline, while the other prefers a more relaxed approach. Understanding these differences and finding a common approach can help in raising children in a cohesive environment.

5. Addressing religious and cultural beliefs

Religion and cultural backgrounds are important topics to discuss before marriage, especially if the partners come from different backgrounds. Discussing how to celebrate holidays, religious practices, and cultural traditions can prevent future conflicts .

For example, one partner might want to attend religious services regularly, while the other might not. Understanding and respecting each other’s beliefs can lead to a more respectful and inclusive marriage.

12 important topics to discuss with your partner before marriage

Now that you understand the importance of open communication before marriage let’s get into the specifics! Discussing important topics before marriage helps ensure you’re on the same page and prepared for a successful future together.

Here are 12 key topics to discuss before marriage, along with tips on how to start each conversation.

1. Financial habits and goals

Money is one of the most important topics to discuss before marriage. Understanding each other’s financial habits and goals can prevent future conflicts .

Talk about your spending and saving habits, any debts you have, and your financial goals. Knowing this information helps in creating a joint financial plan.

Start this way: “How do you feel about budgeting and saving money?”

2. Career aspirations and work-life balance

Discuss your career goals and how they might impact your future together. It’s essential to understand each other’s ambitions and how you plan to balance work and family life .

Having this discussion can help you support each other in achieving your professional dreams while maintaining a healthy relationship.

Start this way: “Where do you see yourself in your career in the next five years?”

3. Household responsibilities

Deciding how to share household chores is a crucial topic to discuss before marriage. It’s important to set clear expectations about who will handle what tasks to avoid misunderstandings and resentment . 

A fair division of labor can lead to a more balanced and harmonious home life.

Start this way: “What are your thoughts on dividing household chores?”

4. Family planning and parenting styles

If you plan to have children, discussing family planning and parenting styles is essential. Talk about when you want to start a family, how many children you’d like, and your approaches to parenting . 

Understanding each other’s views can help you raise your children in a cohesive and supportive environment.

Start this way: “How do you feel about having children, and what kind of parent do you envision being?”

5. Religious beliefs and cultural traditions

Religion and cultural traditions are important topics to discuss with your fiancé before marriage, especially if you come from a different background.

Discuss how you will celebrate holidays, religious practices, and cultural traditions . This can help prevent future conflicts and ensure mutual respect for each other’s beliefs.

Start this way: “What are your thoughts on incorporating our cultural and religious traditions into our life together?”

6. Conflict resolution styles

Understanding how each of you handles conflict is vital for a healthy relationship. 

Talk about your approaches to resolving disagreements and how you can work together to handle conflicts constructively . This can help you manage challenges and maintain a strong bond.

Start this way: “How do you usually handle conflicts and disagreements?”

7. Expectations about intimacy and affection

Discussing your needs and expectations regarding intimacy and affection is an important topic to discuss with your partner before marriage. 

Understanding each other’s desires and boundaries can help you maintain a loving and fulfilling relationship .

Start this way: “What are your expectations when it comes to intimacy and affection in our marriage?”

8. Personal values and beliefs

Your core values and beliefs shape who you are and how you view the world. Discussing these with your partner can help you understand each other’s perspectives and find common ground .

Discussing this topic before marriage can strengthen your bond and ensure you’re aligned on fundamental issues.

Start this way: “What are some of your core values and beliefs that you think are important for me to know?”

9. Social life and friendships

Talk about your social life and how you plan to balance time with friends and family and your relationship. 

Understanding each other’s social needs and boundaries can help you support one another while maintaining a healthy social life .

Start this way: “How do you envision balancing our time together with time spent with friends and family?”

10. Health and wellness priorities

Discussing your health and wellness priorities is another important topic to discuss before marriage. 

Talk about your views on diet, exercise, and overall health . This can help you support each other’s wellness goals and maintain a healthy lifestyle together.

Start this way: “What are your thoughts on health and wellness, and how do you prioritize it in your life?”

11. Future aspirations and dreams

Share your dreams and aspirations for the future with your partner. 

Whether it’s traveling the world, buying a home, or pursuing a passion project, discussing these goals can help you support each other in achieving your dreams and planning your future together .

Start this way: “What are some of your biggest dreams and goals for the future?”

Watch this video where Steph Anya, a licensed relationship therapist, talks about setting goals together in your relationship:

12. Roles of extended family

Discuss the role you expect your extended families to play in your lives. This includes how often you plan to visit them, holiday traditions, and handling family conflicts .

Understanding each other’s expectations regarding the extended family can help prevent misunderstandings and ensure a harmonious relationship .

Start this way: “How do you envision our relationship with our extended families?”

What to do if your partner disagrees on any of the topics?

If your partner disagrees on any of the topics, it’s essential to handle the situation with empathy and patience. Disagreements are natural in any relationship, and they offer an opportunity to deepen your understanding of each other .

The key is to approach these conversations with an open mind and a willingness to find common ground. Here are some steps you can take:

• Listen actively: Ensure you truly hear your partner’s perspective without interrupting or judging. Active listening helps build trust and shows that you value their viewpoint.
• Stay calm and respectful: Keep the conversation respectful, even if emotions run high. Avoid blaming or criticizing each other, and focus on the issue at hand.
• Seek compromise: Look for a middle ground where both partners can feel satisfied. Compromising doesn’t mean one person wins and the other loses; it’s about finding a solution that works for both.
• Use “I” statements: Express your feelings and concerns using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, say, “I feel concerned about our finances” instead of “You never save money.”
• Consider professional help: If you’re struggling to reach an agreement, consider seeking help from a counselor or therapist. A neutral third party can provide valuable insights and facilitate productive discussions.

Be sure to identify “dealbreakers” in your relationship

Don’t shy away from dealbreakers, those important values you can’t budge on. Having kids? Finances? Beliefs? Open communication about these can prevent future bumps. Think of them as guideposts, helping you create a future where both partners feel respected and understood .

It’s okay to have them – they ensure your marriage is built on a foundation of shared values and mutual respect. Talking about dealbreakers before marriage paves the way for a stronger, happier partnership.

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Kaida Hollister is a passionate relationship writer, renowned for her ability to shed light on the intricacies of love and human connection. With a deep understanding of psychology and personal growth, she has become known for her Read more insightful and engaging writing on these subjects. When she’s not busy crafting thought-provoking articles, Kaida can often be found pursuing her love of dance. She is also an avid foodie and enjoys exploring new flavors and cuisines. With a curious and open-minded approach to life, Kaida is committed to helping readers deepen their understanding of themselves and their relationships. Read less

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

• Restatement of thesis
• Prediction or recommendation

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

• In conclusion
• To conclude
• To summarize
• In a nutshell

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